Creative expressions

Three weeks’ ago, when I was preparing for my second marathon, I wondered what I wanted to listen to during my run. I was deciding between my favourite songs and recorded talks by certain psychotherapists. Just to make sure I was well-prepared, I compiled both – a playlist of songs as well as a series of talks.

As I was eagerly waiting amidst the crowd of runners on that fateful morning just before 5 am, I decided to start my marathon by listening to a presentation by Jon Carlson and Pat Love. The presentation consisted of a two-part workshop with a total length of 2 hours 45 min. This means that I would have completed about 24 km by the end of the presentation. Interestingly, the title of the presentation was “The loneliness epidemic”. I am fearful of loneliness so I thought it would be enlightening to hear more from the experts on this topic.

Jon and Pat talked about what one should attend to in one’s life in order to alleviate one’s loneliness. In one of the points, they urged listeners to consider the question, “Are my talents being utilised in meaningful work?”

Pat elaborated, “Am I using what I was born with, a particular skill-set? Am I using that in a way that touches the lives of at least one other person, not just benefiting me.”

While I was running, I asked myself what my talents are and whether they are utilised in meaningful work. The idea is framed in a very interesting way because it does not necessarily imply that you have to find a meaningful job or career that makes use of your talent. It is pondering about your talent and what you do with it, such that it is not just kept to yourself, but is used in a way that positively influences another person.

For talents, I immediately thought of singing and for meaningful work, I thought of my work as a counsellor. How is my talent in singing used in meaningful work and how is my work as a psychotherapist making use of my talents? Singing therapy? Ha! I never thought of that, which is certainly an interesting possibility, but let us not complicate the topic of the discussion because we can make use of our different talents to do different things.

“The art of music is divine and effective. It is the food of the soul and spirit. Through the power and charm of music the spirit of man is uplifted.” – ‘Abdu’l-Bahá

Singing feels like that for me – the food of my soul and spirit. Although I sometimes have to learn some very difficult music scores during choir practices, I enjoy singing and listening to the blending of the voices of my fellow choristers. One of the most fascinating thing about singing is how a human being can use his or her voice to produce music – the sound which is produced comes from the entire body, which acts as the instrument. The emotional and psychological state of the singer influences and affects the quality, tone and feeling of the song. There is no one way of singing and there is room for creativity, the use of self and self-expression.

Singing together creates that special bond among my choir friends. When we perform, our songs bridge that gap with the audience and strangers connect with us through our music. We strive for technical excellence but more importantly, we want to be able to move and touch our listeners and evoke the feelings and emotions in them. Perhaps this is how I will be able to utilise singing in meaningful work.

Talents are usually associated with creative expressions of art but there is a wide range of talents that you can consider. Remember that if you do not have a particular talent, nothing is stopping you from learning, studying and mastering it. If you already have a talent, you can grow and develop it and use your creativity and inspiration so that it translates to meaningful work. I have listed a range of possibilities below and they are by no means exhaustive.

Talents (possibilities!): sketching, drawing, painting, sculpting, sewing, knitting, crochet, origami, scrapbooking, digital art, interior design, architectural design, singing, playing musical instruments, composing music, poetry, story-telling, writing, drama, floral arrangement, baking, cooking

In the presentation, Pat suggested that the talent or activity should meet five criteria. First, you should have a sense of anticipation such that you look forward to engaging in that activity. Second, it should be something, which challenges you because that is how you are able to stretch yourself and develop your potential to the fullest. Third, you should find it absorbing – you will feel that way if you are enjoying the activity! Fourth, your talent has to be energising – you may be physically tired while you are at it but it should not drain you emotionally or psychologically. Lastly, you should feel a sense of congruence that this is exactly what you like to be doing!

Let me share two vignettes – the first is about Dongsu. Dongsu is a young professional who works as a financial analyst. He was becoming less motivated about his job and found it more and more dreary as time went by. He was proficient at crunching numbers and analysing data and trends. However, these did not excite him. His passion was playing the violin. He wanted to become a professional violinist to perform as well as to teach others. Hence, he contemplated quitting his job and taking time to study music. Unfortunately, he started to doubt his talent because he could not feel the music as he played. He practised for many hours and studied very hard but he felt that he had some mental block, which he could not get past.

When Dongsu spoke to me, I sensed his anxiety and the tension within himself. He was also feeling increasingly depressed and losing his self-confidence. How we feel affects our performance in our work and our talents. I suggested to Dongsu that before he plays his instrument, he needs to take time to wind down, to put aside his distress, fears and worries. After that, he can take his violin and play it, not as a financial analyst, but as himself, the violinist. When Dongsu met me again, he excitedly shared that he tried it and the feeling came back – he felt the music resonate between the violin and him again. I was very happy for Dongsu that he re-connected with his talent. I also reminded him that there are good days and there are bad days. If he is truly in-tune with the rhythm of his instrument, he will be able to sense his emotional experiences through the music of the violin because the music and him are really one.

The second vignette is about my mother, who is in her mid-fifties. She is an amazing lady with numerous talents but she neither boosts nor brags about them. Among the talents she is endowed with, is her gift of handicraft, including crochet, cross-stitch and knitting. I remember throughout my growing up years, my mother made various items as gifts for the family, relatives and friends, for charity bazaars and even for sale. Many people are most impressed by my mother’s cross-stitch portraits. You may think that cross-stitch does not require much skill because each cross-stitch is really simple to sew – it is a combination of two stitches to make an ‘x’. However, it takes an incredible amount of determination, discipline, persistence and tenacity to complete an entire cross-stitch portrait.

The picture you see here is a cross-stitch family portrait, which my mother did many years’ ago.

Recently, my mother started volunteering with a friend at a halfway house and a girls’ home where she utilised her talent of handicraft in meaningful work. At the halfway house, she taught the ladies crochet, knitting and cross-stitch so that they can make items for sale. At the girls’ home, my mother taught the girls some handicraft as part of their holiday activities. These were simple acts and gestures of kindness but I am sure that they will go a long way to touch the lives of these women. One of the girls who remembers my mother fondly, shared that, “She was awesome!” Yes, my mother is awesome.

“The source of crafts, sciences and arts is the power of reflection. Make ye every effort that out of this ideal mine there may gleam forth such pearls of wisdom and utterance as will promote the well-being and harmony of all the kindreds of the earth.” - Bahá'u'lláh

The house of the soul

Each of us has our own associations with the word “soul”. Whether you have a religious belief or not, the soul can be thought of as the essence of who you are as a human being. The soul is a part of you which is neither physical nor matter, consisting of the mind, thoughts, emotions, personality and whatever you consider the spirit of the self. To me, the house of the soul is in fact the body. Our body is the custodian of our soul because the effects of the body, whether good or bad, will affect the soul. Of course, the effects of the soul are also felt by the body because there is a connection between the body and the soul.

From my belief of the Bahá'í Faith, the Báb said, “As this physical frame is the throne of the inner temple, whatever occurs to the former is felt by the latter.” Buddha referred to this idea as well that, “To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.”

In the paragraphs that follow, I would like to focus on how we can take care of the house of the soul through physical activity. The expressions of the soul are projected to the outside world in our interactions with people around us. The attributes of the soul are also reflected in the work that we produce and create in our everyday life.

For most people, to engage in a physical activity is to exercise or play a sport. I believe that the Health Promotion Board (HPB) has attempted to educate the population in various ways through talks, brochures, advertisements about the importance of exercise and the effects of having a healthy body and lifestyle. Most of us probably have an intellectual and factual understanding of these ideas and yet they are so difficult to implement in our busy city lifestyles. In fact, I wonder how many of the people in HPB actually walk the talk. It is much easier to tell someone what to do than to actually carry it out yourself. Whenever I make any suggestions or recommendations about what my clients can do to make changes and adjustments in their lives, I ask myself if I have been able to do them myself and ponder on my own experience of having done so. As much as we desire idealism, life has its practical dimension and we have to be realistic about our expectations about what can or cannot be done.

So, how do we strike a balance so that we allow ourselves to experience life in a variety of ways? I call it “self-care”. Otherwise, we will be running our life on an empty tank. Rather than viewing physical activity as a necessity for maintaining your fitness or some sort of a chore and burden, it is really taking care of your body and a form of respite from the stressors of your life.

There is never enough time for anything else besides our work, school or running the household. It is true that time is an important parameter in this equation because all of us have the same finite amount of time – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It can also be argued that our experience of the length of time is not the same. Typically, when we are doing something that we enjoy or spending time with people whom we love, time seems to fly by so quickly. However, when we are feeling down or when we are doing something we are not particularly excited about, time seems to take forever to pass.

Hence, whatever physical activity we choose to do, it has to fit into the rhythm of our life. We have to select something, which our body is capable of doing, nothing too strenuous and vigorous if your limbs and your heart are unable to endure. It is beyond maintaining fitness – you have to feel good about it. Actually, there is a range of possibilities that you can consider: walking, jogging, running, swimming, cycling, sports, golf, dancing and so on. Even when you select a particular activity, there are so many ways of customising that activity so that it suits your personality, lifestyle, life-stage, and has features and characteristics of who you are.

Esther has been actively involved in sports since she was a little girl. She shared that although she is a very good swimmer, she prefers to run. She feels that swimming is too restrictive since she often swims in the swimming pool, and swimming laps across the pool is not very interesting or exciting for her. Instead, she enjoys running in a park where she can soak in the atmosphere, breathe in the fresh air and find delight in the lush greenery of the surroundings. Running gives Esther a sense of freedom and a feeling of liberation. Esther found for herself an avenue which gives her strength to get through the challenges of her life.

For the longest time, I was very much accustomed to the sedentary lifestyle of engaging in indoor activities such as reading, going to the movies and shopping in the malls. Occasionally, I went swimming just to make sure I maintained some level of fitness and lose the calories from my indulgence in chocolates and cakes.

When I first started running about a year and a half ago, I ran not because I enjoyed running. I did not enjoy running then. I ran because my friend encouraged me to do so. During the prime of my youth, running never struck me as an activity of choice. Never. I ran for the sake of running.

After about half a year of running regularly, somehow, I found a kind of rhythm, which resonated with my being. That was when running made sense to me and had a meaning for me. I found my favourite running routes, which alternated between running on the skybridge of the place where I live, and running around the city area, which is near the vicinity of my home. While running on the skybridge, I enjoy the night sky, which is often lit by the bright moon and dotted with numerous stars when there is little cloud cover. I get to admire the beautiful view of the city skyline as well as the vastness of the city landscape from the elevated position on the skybridge. As for the city route, I usually run along the Singapore river where high-rise office buildings and other fancy architectures populate the surroundings. During my runs, I listen to my iPod nano, which plays my favourite songs and audio recordings of talks by various psychotherapists and other inspirational speakers. When I am on my feet, I connect with myself, the whole of my being – body, mind and soul. I feel rejuvenated and refreshed. I become inspired.

Take a moment to think about what you can do for yourself. It can be as simple as taking a walk in the park, strolling at your own pace and connecting with parts of yourself that you did not have time to pay attention to. If you have a pet dog, walking the dog can be fun and enjoyable as well. For those with infants, this is a perfect opportunity to put your baby in the stroller and take a walk around your housing estate.

All of us are unique individuals and what works for me may not work for you. What is important is to take the first step, to start exploring what works for you, and create a sense of rhythm for yourself to allow the energy to flow within your body, the house of your soul

Whatever you choose to do, be mindful of your experience. Be present with yourself. Be there for you.

Snap out of it

A few years’ ago, I attended a training workshop and at the end of the workshop, the trainer gave each participant a memento. It turned out that the mementos were fridge magnets and they came with different tag lines. They were randomly given out, not in any particular sequence or order and some certainly looked more attractive than others. Mine read “Snap out of it”. I did not like the words on my magnet and the girl in the picture looked unfriendly and hostile. The image was a little too jarring for my liking. I would have preferred something, which had more flowers or floral designs, one with a more tender and kinder look. I brought the magnet back to my office and carelessly left it on my whiteboard, dismissing its existence.

Over time, I forgot about that magnet.

“I have to snap out of it!” Debbie exclaimed, with much exasperation. At that point, the image of the forgotten magnet with “Snap out of it” boldly printed on it, appeared in my mind. I understood why the girl in the picture had her hands on her waist and an angry look on her face. I recognised that look in Debbie’s expression.

Debbie had been feeling stuck after the June holidays. It had been five months and she did not feel any better.

“I am burn-out. Can you tell me what I can do to stop feeling this way?” Debbie felt lethargic and unmotivated. She did not feel like doing anything and had no interest in her life. Each day went by like a monotonous, uninteresting routine and this made Debbie very frustrated because she wanted her life back.

"To keep the lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it." - Mother Teresa

Debbie ran out of “oil” and forgot to replenish it. During the first half of the year, she had numerous engagements and a variety of commitments. Contrary to what you think, she did not feel distressed and she enjoyed executing the projects and taking on new responsibilities. In fact, she was enthusiastic with her academic study and performed well in school. Life seemed to be going well for her and suddenly, everything came crushing down after the June holidays.

How could someone who is doing something she enjoys, experience burnout? Besides, she felt motivated and energised by the activities she was participating in. Perhaps, as the saying goes “too much of a good thing is a bad thing” – Debbie over-committed herself and was not even conscious that she was depleting her internal resources over time. She attempted to rest more, reduce her activities and even went for an overseas trip with her family after the examinations but nothing worked. She felt depressed, which must not be confused with being in depression. She contemplated going to see a psychiatrist to obtain medication so that she will not feel so awful. She resisted coming to see me because she was concerned that seeing a counsellor will affect her applications for scholarships in the future.

I realised that some people are more comfortable to see a medical professional like a psychiatrist for their psychological ailments because the general impression is that they may not need to talk too much or reveal too much about their deepest, darkest thoughts and fears. In addition, a pill a day may just take away their distress! However, to many people, psychotherapy and counselling seem to have a more iffy and mysterious approach with regards to addressing one’s distress.

One client said to me, “I did not want to see a counsellor initially because a counsellor is able to read my mind! That’s really scary!” Wow! If I can read people’s minds, I must be some mystic or spiritual being! No, therapists do not have such powers. But I can appreciate the fact that it is difficult to talk about issues that cause a great deal of emotional pain and to feel vulnerable in front of another human being.

Another client asked me, “Do I really have to talk about my feelings? Can’t you just tell me what to do? It’s tiring to get emotional.” I do not have the practice of dishing out “what-to-do” advice in step-by-step bullet point tips because I see each human being as unique and different. What works for one client may not work for another. Just as Irvin Yalom wrote, “…the therapist must strive to create a new therapy for each patient.”

The other day, I was listening to a talk by Michael Yapko, a clinical psychologist, about treating depressive clients. He mentioned that one of the best advantages of psychotherapy is that it does not have the range of possible negative side effects of psychiatric medication. He also raised another important point that in order to “get better”, you will need to make changes in your life – your perspective to life, how you live your life and what you do with your life. Issues that you struggle with or relationship difficulties that you experience cannot be resolved by the mere act of pill popping. There is unfortunately no miracle pill for curing psychological and emotional pain.

"It takes more than a sudden leap to change a life. It takes a conscious act, a decision to take our life into our hands." - Mildred Newman

We often blame our unhappiness to our personality, lack of insight, lack of time, lack of money, bad luck and poor upbringing. Mary Pipher reminded me in her writing that we cannot ignore the effects of “meaningless jobs, long commutes, sterile suburbs, and fears of poverty, war, violent death, and environmental catastrophes.” At the end of that paragraph, she grimly concluded, “Life makes most of us unhappy.”

As much as we want to be optimistic about life, there is a great amount of pessimism, negativity, self-centredness and despair in the world. Consider the amount of sensationalised bad news sprawled all over the daily newspapers and its proliferation throughout the Internet. Even our interactions with one another, conversations and various forms of communication are pre-occupied with gossips, complaints and lamenting about life. At times, even when there is something good which happens, we become a little skeptical by finding faults with it and believing that it is probably just a figment of our imagination or that it will not sustain.

The happenings of life around us will impact us and affect how we feel but it is not helpful to dwell on them either. The question which we have to ask ourselves is how we can live in this world in spite of what happens around us and how people around us are like. Each of us is responsible for our own life and how we live our life can potentially influence other people as well as their lives.

“The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.” – Carl Rogers

********************

“What can I do to get better?” Debbie was desperately looking for solutions and antidotes. When she first talked about experiencing burnout, I instantly thought that she needed to rest and take a break. However, she had not been doing much and she took a holiday with her family – she seemed to have rested enough. Hence, we discussed about the aspects of her life she needed to change, new routines to put in place and adjustments to the way she was living her life. We talked about taking part in physical activities, making use of art, getting in touch with nature and connecting with people. After the session, I thought that it may be helpful to include the aspect of spirituality (this is not to be mistaken with being "religious") in our conversation as well. Perhaps I will mention it the next time I see Debbie.

“...have a life. Have relationships and interests besides your work. Do things that make you laugh and recharge your batteries.” - Mary Pipher

The turning point

A few days’ ago, my best friend, Arlene, asked, “Is a mid-life crisis a psychiatric condition? Or is it just an urban myth?”

I am no expert in the subject of ‘mid-life crisis’ but responded from my own understanding, “It is not a psychiatric condition. It is just something that happens as one of the phases of life. It is normal and natural.”

“Can a person not ever have a mid-life crisis?”

“Possibly. That’ll be one who just cruised along without noticing anything about his or her life! Or someone who just numbed himself or herself throughout.”

Arlene was hopeful, “Or someone who is incredibly well-adjusted throughout.”

“Not necessarily well-adjusted. Oblivious to life!”

“Or perhaps someone in denial.”

“Denial is possible.”

“Why does it happen at this age?”

Arlene was asking very pertinent questions and I felt that she wanted some sort of expert perspective, which I felt inadequate to be able to “correctly” elaborate. I am sure that there are many different viewpoints and some professional stance or definition. But I shared my thoughts anyway, “It’s a turning point in one’s life. One would have accomplished oneself in some ways, work, family, studies etc. It’s kind of the midpoint of life, looking back at the years, what one has done so far. And really contemplating how one wants to live for the next half of one’s life. It’s kind of existential as well. How meaningful has life been? How happy are you with your life thus far? Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? What else do you want to do or achieve before you die? While you still have the time and energy to do so?”

“But why is a crisis a necessity?”

“Crisis, because there is a lot of uncertainty, emotional turmoil, may rock relationships, changes in lifestyle, economic status, struggles, difficulties, discontent with life, yearning for something more and so on.”

About half a year ago, Clyde Murthy, my clinical supervisor of four years, observed, “It sounds like you may be going through a mid-life crisis.”

I laughed and looked at him with great disbelief, “You've got to be kidding! At this age? Isn’t it too young to have a mid-life crisis?”

Well, there has been a lot of changes and transformation in my life in the past year so it does look like I am going through my very own mid-life crisis!

I just turned 35 on 17th November and I felt compelled to reflect on my life thus far. If this is the middle of my life, I expect to have at least another good 35 years to go. In the days leading up to my birthday, I wrote a series of five wall posts on my personal Facebook wall to appreciate what I have, to acknowledge the positive changes in my life in the past year and to give a glimpse of my hopes for the year ahead.

“…happiness is about appreciating what one has… It means finding pleasure in the ordinary.” – Mary Pipher

First, I shared about my “marriage” with my work. This term was used by David Whyte in his book entitled “The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship”. I feel that I have discovered a good marriage with the work that I do as a psychotherapist, something which resonates with who I am. I left the engineering profession five years’ ago to embark on an ongoing journey with my clients. This was what I wrote about on my first Facebook wall post. In July this year, I moved on to a school setting and I feel that the environment is a lot more suitable for me, my personality and my style of working where I feel more affirmed, appreciated, empowered and validated. In addition, I have had several opportunities to interact with psychotherapists around the world to learn from them, learn with them, and be moved by various books, writings, talks and presentations. Hence, I am in a very good place, professionally.

The “marriage with the self” is one of the most complex of the marriages but I feel that I have started the process to make way for the re-construction of the self. A year ago, I felt that deep down inside, I was broken and in pieces. I was not intact inside and was unable to hold myself together if I faced difficulties and challenges in my life. Hence, I dedicated the second and third Facebook wall posts to the changes, which I have made in my life to have a better marriage with myself.

My second wall post was about discovering long distance running. The turning point of my life was on 1st February this year when I received a phonecall from Karen, a Running Lab sales representative. She congratulated me for winning a lucky draw prize to run a marathon in Los Angeles. I thought that she was joking because I have never been lucky in lucky draws and I thought it would be crazy since I have never run a marathon before. I took up the challenge and trained for the marathon, which was scheduled seven weeks later on 20th March. I think that I completed the marathon out of shear determination and endurance because I did not think running was my cup of tea. However, after that marathon, I feel as though I have been running like Forrest Gump since! Long distance running is a way for me to connect with my physical body with every step that I take, to allow the energy to flow between the ground and me. Grounding. Foundation. Connection. Flow. The most therapeutic part about long distance running for me is the time for solitude, to be able to reflect and clear my mind. This is one part of the marriage with myself, which I have strengthened.

The other part (my third wall post) is bringing choral singing back into my life. Music is like language to the soul. Music has an element of rejuvenation and reinvigorating. Listening to music is one aspect of it, which I do a lot. At times, I play the piano, which provides a kind of solace for me. However, choral singing is what speaks to my soul. Singing is like bringing a musical instrument, my voice, anywhere and everywhere I go. There is no hassle at all. It doesn’t take up space. It doesn’t require an electrical supply. It is part of me. Although I have sung solo before, I am more intrigued by singing in a choir, which is the bringing together of many different voices of diverse qualities to make music. How miraculous and marvelous is that! After eight years of hiatus from choral singing, I now spend my Saturday afternoons with my fellow choristers in One.

My fourth wall post pays tribute to the marriage with relationships, which is appreciating the relationships with significant people in my life. I have a few good friends who have been great company on my journey of life. They are people whom I have endless conversations over meals and coffee – laughing and rejoicing and sharing the joys of life; comforting and empathizing over the tears and crying of the pain experienced in life; and just being there for me, always. The other constant in my life is my parents. I do not always share the gory details of my life with them but I can always count on them to be there for me when I need them. This is when I appreciate that blood is thicker than water. I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner on my birthday but it was called off at the last minute due to work commitments. There was no fuss at all. I felt as though my parents dropped everything and took time to be with me, to have dinner with my children and me on my birthday.

Finally, my last wall post is like my new year (or new birthday year, which is more apt) resolution of what I hope to work on for the year ahead.

Excerpts from my wall post read, “For the year ahead, I look forward to improve my emotion regulation, self-soothe more, cope with my vulnerabilities and feel more comfortable with myself as a person.”

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

I am going to make the life in my years count.

Numbing the pain

About seven and a half years’ ago, I was lying in the hospital in a lot of pain – labour pains. It turned out that my baby was in distress and I had to go through an emergency Cesarean procedure instead of the normal delivery. I was looking forward to experience what my mother had to go through to give birth to me so I was somewhat disappointed that the birthing experience was going to be replaced by an operation. An anesthetist was called in to administer epidural to numb the pain, so that I will not feel any pain during the process. Indeed there was no pain. I was a passive participant in the entire procedure, just a spectator observing the nurses and doctors do what they are supposed to do to bring the new life into this world. I was drowsy and sedated so I have only a very faint memory of what happened that evening.

As the hours went by, the effect of the painkillers started to wear out and I felt pain at my abdominal area, where the 10 cm-wound was located. The pain was immensely unbearable and I had to take the prescribed dosage of painkillers, to numb the pain. It was easy to have epidural or painkillers numb my physical pain, but what was more painful was feeling like an inadequate and incompetent mother, who was unable to give birth in the “normal” way. When I was wheeled out of the operating theatre to face my mother, I thought I saw a face of ridicule - I had a few points taken off from my scoreboard as a mother, even before I even started. There were no painkillers available to numb that painful feeling.

However, human beings are such creative creatures. We sought out “painkillers” for life’s pain, to numb the pain, to avoid, run away from and hide from our difficulties. In school, we strive towards academic excellence, learning the grammar of languages, the complexity of mathematics, the intricacies of science and the poetic discourse in literature. Alas, there is no curriculum for dealing with life’s challenges. I must admit that it is tough to face our problems and difficulties. It is much easier to avoid them instead of having to deal with them because we often do not know how to resolve them and we do not know how long it will take to resolve.

For a number of my friends, the “painkiller” of choice is alcohol. They often call it “social drinking”, just to have a couple of drinks with their friends, to chill and chat with their drinking buddies. Some go on to disguise their need to indulge in alcohol as a form of “necessity” to socialize with their business associates, to seal the deal. Their explanation seems reasonable and legitimate.

At the end of every work day, Steven returns to an empty home. He lives alone. He has been living alone since his divorce. It has been many years but he still felt the emotional pain from the breakdown of the marital relationship. The pain of loneliness haunts him as soon as he walks through the door to the deafening silence of the emptiness. The only company he has is the sound of his own footsteps and the tiny stream of warm air from his breath. Occasionally, he may hear the neighbour's dog barking or the chime of the lift when a neighbour returns home from work. All these are terrible reminders that no one is witnessing how alone he is, how isolated he feels deep down inside. Steven has his television set on constantly. It gives a sense that there is life and activity in his home. He has the company of the newscaster, the actors and actresses of some TV drama series or hosts of some variety programmes.

On some days, Steven resorts to drinking, so that he is not completely sober when he returns home. The effect of the alcohol dulls his senses and he becomes less aware of his loneliness and he quickly falls asleep. By the time he wakes up in the morning, it is yet another work day, where the routine repeats itself. Steven never allows himself to deal with his pain, to face his pain, to go through his pain and to eventually heal his pain. Instead, he skillfully numbs his pain, with varying amounts of alcohol. It is certainly easier avoid having to face his pain.

For some, spending long hours at work keeps their feelings in check. They bury themselves under piles of paperwork (not so common in this era of modern digital technology) and go through the regular flow of e-mails into both their work and personal e-mail accounts. The happiest people who benefit most from these workaholics are probably their employers because they present themselves as being hardworking, productive and dedicated workers. You may ask them why they work so hard and their usual reply would be, "I can't help it. There is just so much work to do." In some cases, the inherent nature of the job demands the person of his time and his life. However, for the large part of it, it may be the unconscious result of the individual loading himself or herself with immense amount of work, leaving little spare time to dwell on any difficult emotions.

Mei fell out with her friends. They used to hang out together all the time. They studied in the library together; they ate in the canteen together during recess and lunch breaks; they shared many interests and did a range of activities together. Unfortunately, there was a misunderstanding and their feelings were hurt by one another. You know how difficult it is to mend relationships under such circumstances. Mei did not know what to do and no matter what she tried to do or say, there was hostility and tension. It was no longer important to try to ascertain blame or trying to figure out who caused the friendship to turn sour. Each of them distanced themselves from each other, feeling sad, hurt, pain and isolated, no longer able to seek comfort from the closeness they used to have as friends.

“Never mind. I’m used to it already. I shall just focus on my studies.”

Mei decided that she will turn to her books and study. She can hang out with her books any time of the day. Her books will never get hurt or angry with her. They are much more reliable source of company. The advantage is that her grades will probably improve since she will be studying a lot more. She will spend so much time on her studies that there will be no time to think about friends, friendships or touchy-feely stuff like emotions.

We can be very effective at avoiding our pain, numbing our pain. Mostly, it involves some kind of obsession or compulsion. Some people consume alcohol, illicit drugs or food. Some people indulge in gaming, online activities, watching drama series, shopping or gambling. Others hide behind a more acceptable façade of excessive working, intense studying, obsessive exercising, involvement in multiple activities and so on.

‎"Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously." - J. Donald Walters

There is no single remedy or solution for the trials and difficulties which we face. By numbing ourselves, building those walls and trying to escape our problems, it seems that the problems have disappeared. But once the effect of the “painkillers” wears out, we are reminded that our pain is still very present, lingering somewhere in our experiencing self. What is the pain that you are running away from? How are you hiding from it? Do you need to grieve sufficiently over some loss in your life? Do you need to let go of a lost relationship? Do you need to forgive yourself? Do you need to accept yourself for who you are? By confronting your difficulties courageously, you would have to struggle and there will be discomfort. The only way out of pain is through it.

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For a long time, I struggled with feelings of inadequacy as a person, as a mother, as a daughter and as a sister. The face of ridicule which I saw outside the operating theatre was not my mother’s. It was my own. A reflection of how I saw myself – the face of contempt, jeering at me and looking down at me. I conjured a huge amount of courage to confront my self-critic and started the process of learning to accept the person that I am.

Who am I?

“…the self is the core and the foundation of your day-to-day life. It is important to build this core, this sense of self, because this is where you can draw strength and support from.” I told the students in a talk last month.

I added, “The challenge is that each of us possesses two conflicting competencies. One is the ability to find the self because you, yourself, know what is good and nourishing for you. And the other is the ability, unfortunately, to sabotage and destroy that sense of self.”

It is not easy to find that sense of self because we are always moving back and forth between the two conflicting competencies. Actually, we tend to linger on longer on the part, which sabotages that sense of self by being critical of ourselves, trying to please others and living a life which others have defined for us. We begin to stray away from who we truly are and conform to the societal norms and expectations of who society thinks we are supposed to be. Therefore, it is tough to find our true self.

I feel as if I am at my own personal crossroad, pondering about my own sense of self, asking the most pertinent, philosophical question “Who am I?”. In actual fact, this is more like a mini juncture rather than a crossroad because I often take the opportunity to reflect on my life, when I go for my long runs. I find it extremely therapeutic to go on my weekend runs, which usually take more than two hours. During those runs, I listen to recorded talks by various psychotherapists and experts in the field as well as a variety of songs in the “shuffle mode” on my iPod nano. By now, I am sure that you know that the poet David Whyte has inspired me in numerous ways. Whenever I need a spark of inspiration, I will listen to one of his talks. It was on one of my regular runs that I was struck by his poem on “Self Portrait”. It was not my first time hearing this poem but I felt that it was timely for me, as if it was responding to the questions I had for myself at that point in time.

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Self Portrait by David Whyte

It doesn't interest me if there is one God
or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
abandoned.
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know
if you are prepared to live in the world
with its harsh need
to change you. If you can look back
with firm eyes
saying this is where I stand. I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living
falling toward
the center of your longing. I want to know
if you are willing
to live, day by day, with the consequence of love
and the bitter
unwanted passion of your sure defeat.

I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even
the gods speak of God.
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For many, finding that sense of self is an intellectual exercise, writing down the options and choices on a sheet of paper, and tabulating the pros and cons or likes and dislikes. In a way, that seems like a rational and practical way of trying to define who you are. However, I feel that if you were to confine yourself to processing the information mentally and cognitively, it will only get you this far and you may not necessarily be satisfied or happy with the outcome and the result of your theoretical analysis.

Now that I am working in a school, I realized that the educational journey has very specific milestones, all carefully mapped out for the students. Depending on the education system that you are in, you would spend a certain number of years in preschool, primary school, secondary school, polytechnic or junior college and university. Of course there may be slight variations to each phase of your educational journey but for the large part of it, it should look pretty much like how I described it. It is convenient that the milestones are fixed and as a student, you will do your part by preparing yourself for each transition to the next phase, which typically presents itself as a series of assessments or a major examination. In school, you are given a manageable number of choices and options. Usually, your parents will play a part to determine which path you will take, so the decision-making process is not incredibly difficult or complicated.

However, after you complete your formal education, you are left on your own to decide what you want to do with your life. There is a vast ocean of possibilities out there. It is like being thrown into the deep ocean with a tiny little float, hanging onto the certifications and qualifications, which you have acquired as you were growing up. Did anyone ever tell us life could be this hard? What do you want to do? What job would you like to do? How long are you going to stay in the job? How would you know if the job is suitable for you? What will you do after you leave your job? These questions are all very complex because there are no longer fixed milestones that you can follow. There is no certainty in anything and there are no real rules to define what you are supposed to do and there is no absolute and objective right and wrong.

As I am writing this, I am thinking of a few of my friends who are pondering about what they want to do with their lives and their careers. They are at a true crossroad of their lives. Some call it mid-life crisis. You can call the crossroad by whatever name but each of us encounter these junctures at various points in our lives. When you find yourself in this unique situation, it is likely that you are feeling some kind of dissatisfaction in your life, as if the equilibrium is not quite right, that something is out of place for you. For some, it would be clear what is unsettling. For others, it may not be so obvious but the vague, unclear, felt sense will give you some clues that something is not working.

Hence, when I was addressing the students last month, I was hoping that the students would begin their journey to find their sense of self. This sense of self is not going to remain exactly the same for your entire life although it is very likely that the foundational core will not change very much. By finding their sense of self, they will be in a much more position to explore the world of possibilities in the future without losing who they really are and what they really want for themselves.

“I want to change my personality. I want to be like some of my friends who seem to be more charismatic and popular. I am too quiet and I think that I will not be very successful if I am not talkative.”

Mingli was unhappy. She could not be like her friends. She tried to imitate them but no matter how hard she tried, it just did not fit and she was uncomfortable with it.

“You can’t be somebody you are not.”

Mingli agreed reluctantly. “Yes, I know. But only if I am like them, I will have many friends.”

She dwelled on it for a while and struggled with her inner self. She knew that by attempting to create an idealized self based entirely on what she saw in others, she was not going to get very far because she will keep sensing the misfit within her. This is not her. It will not feel right.

We explored her dreams and aspirations and how she can start to find herself in light of what she desires for herself and her life, and how she can live a meaningful life and inspire those around her.

Take a look at the poem by David Whyte again and read it with your heart, slowly. Look inward, listen and feel what your heart is trying to convey to you. I hope that you will start to find the answers that you have been looking for. Let your journey of the discovery of self begin.

Parents love their children

“Surely all parents love their children.” One of the teachers said with such conviction.

“Ideally so. But I’m not so sure if that’s true.” I was somewhat skeptical. I hear clients talk about their relationships and interactions with the parents and I sometimes wonder if some parents do not love their children.

“Really? How can that be?” She was convinced that all parents must love their children.

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Madeline’s father is very involved in her life because he is the one who picks her up from school and calls the teachers when she is too ill to go to school. When you observe her father's involvement in her life, you may assume that he is the primary caregiver. However, the relationship between Madeline and her parents is extremely complex. She lives with her mother but where is her mother? Her parents, Theresa and Charles, are divorced. They are so antagonistic with each other and it is immensely difficult to have a conversation with both of them in the same room. From the accounts of the teachers and Charles, I imagined Theresa to be detached and aloof. She seemed to be disinterested in Madeline’s life because it is always Charles who responds to Madeline’s needs in school. Charles did not think Theresa will be keen to meet with me and that it would be a waste of my time to try to engage her.

When I first spoke to Madeline, she told me, “I do not wish to get married.” It is difficult when children witness the marital breakdown of their parents and some of them turn away from the possibility of a marital union for themselves. Hence, I was not surprised by what she said.

She added, “If he leaves me, my world will fall apart.”

“Whose world fell apart?”

“My mother’s.”

My heart broke when I heard that. I wondered how Madeline experienced her mother’s pain and what her mother’s experience must have been. Was Theresa too depressed to attend to Madeline’s needs? What was Theresa’s life like after Charles left?

Theresa was far from being cold and unfriendly when I interacted with her in person. Her love for Madeline was unmistakable.

Why did I assume that Theresa was a hostile, uninvolved mother? How could I have been so wrong? How did I get distracted by the skewed perspectives and biased accounts? What was I not listening to or paying attention to? This was an important lesson for me.

I can still remember my mother saying this to me, “A mother’s love is unconditional.” Theresa’s love for Madeline is unconditional.

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There was another girl, Xiuwen, who was constantly in conflict with her parents. I learnt so much by sitting in the room with the entire family. I have had family sessions before but I was anxious being with them since there was so much explosiveness and volatility in their interactions at home. This was one of my more challenging cases and I was unsure of myself, whether I would be able to provide more effective interventions.

I keep reminding myself that I cannot be drawn into the content and the details of what the family constantly dwell on. Instead, I have to “read in between the lines”, to notice the process and meaning of what they are talking about during the session. In Xiuwen’s case, it was her father’s love that I was doubtful about, not her mother’s. There is so much tension between Xiuwen and her father that she wanted her father to be seated furthest away from her in the room. The image of the father's stern face and serious demeanor remained in my memory from the previous session. He did not come across as a warm and pleasant person.

This time, I had a different experience of her father. A poignant moment came when her father recounted an early memory of Xiuwen as a child. I saw how his face lighted up as he was sharing about his joy and pride of Xiuwen’s abilities when she was in pre-school. He smiled cheerfully, laughed heartily as he spoke affectionately about her. Xiuwen was stumped. She never experienced her father this way. Or perhaps she had forgotten this aspect of her father. This was the beginning of changing the interactions with her father and possibly even working towards mending their relationship.

“I think I am like my dad. I am most like him. We like the same funny things.”

For the first time, Xiuwen said something nice about her father and even made an association with him! I was moved, just witnessing the connection between them and the shift in their interactions. This is the wonderful part about having a family session because it was truly a breakthrough for us after the numerous individual sessions with Xiuwen.

******************************

Parents love their children. They all do.

The virtue of perseverance

I have lived in Singapore all my life. I am very accustomed to the city lifestyle, the crowded streets, sardine-packed buses and trains, populated shopping malls and long queues in the public toilets. I am a typical city girl, I guess. City living has its perks, its convenience. However, the downside of such a lifestyle is the difficulty to find a space in my life where I can enjoy peacefulness, serenity and silence.

I used to hang out on Friday evenings at a friend's home. She would prepare a simple, yet sumptuous dinner, followed by a programme of short readings, stories and music selections. I looked forward to these inspirational gatherings which she called "Reflections" because it allowed me to pause and reflect on my life and reconnect with myself. However, in the past months, I have been too caught up with other aspects of my life and I was deprived of the cosy gatherings in her home. Yesterday, I finally made an effort to make my way to her home and I was glad I went there to take some time out for myself. This is what I call "therapist self-care"! Towards the end of the evening, she brought out a familiar stack of virtues cards and laid them out on the table so that we can each pick out a card for reflection. I picked out the virtue of righteousness but that is not the virtue I want to talk about in this blog entry. These virtues cards led me to think about the virtue of perseverance.


My clients come to see me because they experience some difficulties in their lives. More often than not, they are hoping that I will be able to provide a quick fix or solution to their problems or perhaps thinking that I have some magic pill that they can take so that the problems will disappear. At first, my clients may become disappointed and disheartened that the process may take longer than expected. But they soon accept that the journey of life and change takes time with some perseverance and commitment. The virtue of perseverance is an important virtue for everyone to develop because we need it to overcome the obstacles and endure life's hardships and challenges.


"Perseverance is being steadfast and persistent. You commit to your goals and overcome obstacles, no matter how long it takes. When you persevere, you don't give up... You keep going. Like a strong ship in a storm, you don't become battered or blown off course. You just ride the waves."
- Excerpts from the virtues card of "Perseverance", The Virtues Project


Although we wish for an easy life, where we do not have to deal with difficulties, it is by struggling and persevering that we grow and become stronger. Some of my clients' parents tell me that they try their utmost best to provide everything they can for their children so that their children can have an easier life. This is a tough place to be in because in present-day society, most parents are working professionals and they have limited time with their children. Hence, parents tend to over-compensate and try to give anything and everything that their children ask for. Where is the struggling? Where is the hardship? Where is the perseverance?

"As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed." - Vincent Van Gogh

"We should not feel embarrassed by our difficulties, only by our failure to grow anything beautiful from them." - Alain de Botton

When my clients persevere, I am happy for them because I know that they will become emotionally stronger and they will be better equipped to deal with difficulties in the future. My clients are impatient and they want to see change quickly. I have to remind them that the journey is often not smooth and easy. At times, you may trip over little pebbles or rocks. If they are just superficial scratches, just get up and brush away the dirt from your knees and resume your journey. If there is a some injury, attend to the pain, take a rest and recuperate and when you are ready, pick yourself up and continue with your journey. Sometimes, you may benefit from a little help and company. Remember that you can reach out to people around you - family, friends, mentors and various kinds of resources.

If you are experiencing emotional pain or are going through a rough patch in your life, persevere on. You will get through it, and be strengthened through life's ordeals.

"Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realise this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward." - Henry Ford

Magical powers

I must admit that I am a Harry Potter fan. I diligently read all seven books - pre-ordered the books, but never resorted to queuing overnight to be the first ones to get my hands on the books. I watched all eight movies as well, and intend to get the entire movie series as part of my prized possessions.

I have always been intrigued by magic as a child. It is extremely fascinating to be able to magically transform objects, people, make things disappear, make them fly and so many other miraculous possibilities. I wished I had magical powers too. To use a little magic to help me with my work, to make me a better therapist, to give that extra special touch to take away my clients' emotional pain and hurt. Sigh... This only happens in storybooks and movies, not in real life.

Whenever I do not know what to do to help my clients, I secretly wish for a little help from a fairy godmother - yes, those childhood fairytale fantasies. I have high expectations of myself, just like the girls I work with. I try very hard with my cases, thinking of the best ways to engage my clients and to facilitate change. Thankfully, I get positive affirmations often and am assured that I am somewhat helpful and effective for my clients. Even when the sessions seem to go well, I may be hard on myself and wish that I could have done better, that I could have done more, that i should not have said certain things or that I was just not good enough as a counsellor.

I find it amusing when I think of myself this way - "not good enough", sounds just like the self-critic of the girls I work with. Perhaps this is my self-critic that I have to "battle" with from time to time as well. During my training in emotion-focused therapy, I dealt with my self-critic and learnt that I need more kindness and compassion towards myself. My clients need that too, more kindness and compassion towards themselves.

There was a case that I was rather distressed about because I wanted to be able to assist in some way but it became clear that I was not in the position to do so. I struggled with the sense of helplessness and many people around me felt helpless too. They could not help the client and they hoped that the counsellor would be able to help the client. You can imagine the tremendous pressure that I was under, to do something to help the client. In situations like these, I wish I had some wizardry powers, Harry Potter's wand or Hermione's fancy spells so that I can do something to make the emotional pain go away!

In actual fact, I do not think the people around have such expectations of me. They are my own, unreasonable expectations of my omnipotent ability, that I do not possess. After several consultations with other counsellors and psychiatrists about the case, I realised that I can only do this much to help my client with her problem. Whether she improves or not, it is really not within my control. I have done my best and the rest is up to her.

I am not the all-powerful. I am not omnipotent. I am only human. That's a good reminder for me. A very good reminder.

"Everyone has obstacles, and you're not going to have the right answer or do the right thing every single time." - Shannon Miller

The voice of an adolescent

When I was doing my counselling training in 2006, I was introduced to an interesting mode of therapy. Instead of the usual one-to-one sessions, we can work with a small group of clients in a group setting. The modality of this approach, known as group therapy, has its unique advantages and benefits, which cannot be achieved in individual therapy. Despite its usefulness, it is quite unheard of in this part of the world where I practice since our Asian clients tend to find it anxiety-provoking to share their innermost thoughts and feelings within a group setting. Actually, I feel that this is probably not very different from the hesitations and inhibitions of people from other countries and cultures as well. Generally, once a certain level of safety and trust is established within the group, the group will feel more comfortable about sharing and engaging each other.

I took the opportunity to propose setting up such groups among certain groups of girls in the school I work in. Since this was a new initiative, I was uncertain about its efficacy and whether the approach will be too strange or foreign for them. For a start, I did not call it a therapy group and I designed it to have a slightly more semi-structured approach, which I felt would be a better fit.

During the first session, a particular theme arose among the fifteen-year old girls within the group as they attempted to have a voice, to have their voice heard.

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.”
– Harvey Fierstein

Initially, I wanted to use this quote to inspire the girls but I realised that it was extremely difficult for them to find their voice and how they would like to define themselves. I had apparently forgotten how difficult it was for me when I was that age. As they search out the meaning of their lives, to discover what they truly desire for themselves, they are bombarded by the voices of adults - through their parents, relatives, teachers, politicians, various other adults and even the media and numerous propaganda. I say bombarded because these voices are really loud, significant, distracting and possibly even jarring at times. The girls become confused and wonder if they can really be the person they choose to be. Do they have a choice? Do they have a say? Did I have a say when I was fifteen?

When I was fifteen, I was studying in one of the elite girls’ school. My parents expected no less than that. My sisters and I studied in different high schools - all among the top all-girls’ schools in the nation. My father wished for us to be doctors, lawyers, engineers or accountants. These were considered reputable professional careers, which will give us a comfortable income and a respectable social status. At that time, I thought that my father would be proud if I became a doctor but when I failed to obtain the subject combination which included biology, I decided to give up the idea of pursuing a medical career. I was not sure if the other approved options fit my aspirations. I was interested in people, in human psychology. I talked about it from time to time, never sounding too adamant nor insistent because I was not sure if my voice would be heard, whether my father would approve of the pursuit of such an interest.

One girl in the group lamented that her mother insisted that she has to be a lawyer. “I don't really mind becoming a lawyer, but I wish my mum did not bug me so much.”

“My parents are the same,” another girl added. “I want to be a dancer but my parents don't think I can make much money that way. Sigh... I may not be able to make much money but I think I will be much happier since I will be doing something which I truly love.”

As adults, we think we know better. We think we know what is best for these young ladies. Besides, we have a wider range of lived experiences so we are in a much better position to give sound advices (or so we think). We think that it is our responsibility as custodians of their lives, to guide them to a bright and promising future where they will be successful and well-accomplished individuals in society. We prefer to encourage our youth to stick to careers, which are tried-and-tested while the artistic, literary or humanistic professions are often frown upon - not because they are less glamorous but they do not guarantee a stable and secure career.

“This is for your own good,” my father’s favourite line to his three daughters. I resented that dreaded well-sung phrase that kept playing in my ears as an adolescent. I wondered if I would be doing something wrong if I did not appreciate my parents’ well-meaning intentions to guide me to the right path in life. I wondered if I would regret not listening to them if I chose something radically different. What would be really good for me? As a teenager looking at my father, he was a successful engineer who earned enough to provide the family with a comfortable home and lifestyle. Surely, he knew what was good for me, “for your own good”.

“Why can’t my mother listen to me?”

“Why don’t my parents understand that I don’t like numbers and Maths is just not my subject?”

“Can you talk to my parents?”

The girls were frustrated. They felt stuck. They wanted to make their own decisions about their future. Studying felt so meaningless because whatever they were taught will not be relevant to their future career. It did not make sense to memorise all the terms and the lengthy passages just to obtain the perfect GPA of 4.0. Why bother?

When I was in school, life seemed less complicated. We did not question as much. We just studied what we were told to study. Our goal was to obtain as many ‘A’s as we possibly can, to the best of our ability. Then, scramble to collect the paper certifications and qualifications that were deemed valuable and marketable. That was the norm then. I did the norm. I excelled (did well enough, I guess) in Mathematics and Sciences, enrolled into one of the top junior colleges, did the correct thing to major in engineering and of course, became the engineer that my father approved of. I earned myself a nickname then, coined by my sisters – The Accidental Engineer, or AE for short. Engineering never quite resonated with me.

When I decided to make the career switch to become a counsellor, my father was cross. He was extremely angry with me. But he never quite told me directly. It was the old-fashioned Chinese father’s way of communicating to his daughter – convey the anger to the mother and expect that the mother will advise the daughter accordingly.

“Tell Michelle that she is very stupid, to give up her engineering job and get a pay-cut as a counsellor!”

During dinners with relatives and friends, my sisters were always mentioned and talked about. You see, one of them is a qualified medical doctor and the other is pursuing her medical degree. Ah, doctors! The prestigious career option! Counsellor? How much do counsellors get paid? Was this daughter not smart enough to get into medical school?

I felt like the outcast, somewhat a disgrace to the family. I desired affirmation from my parents, which I could not get. I was in a difficult place and I felt very alone in this new endeavour. I yearned for their support and encouragement. I realised that my parents struggled too. On one hand, they wanted to see me happy doing what I enjoy. On the other hand, since it deviated from what they are familiar with, they were unsure if I would be risking too much by forgoing a stable career as an engineer.

My father no longer chides me for quitting my engineering job. My parents have come to terms with my decision. But from time to time, my father would still ask me, “When are you going to do your PhD?” That is my father.

Many parents unknowingly and unwittingly impose their hopes, wishes, dreams, desires and aspirations on their children. They want their children to tread on territories, which they have never been before and attain remarkable and spectacular achievements, which they failed to accomplish as a child. We think that by setting the bar as high as possible, we may be able to stretch them to their fullest potential and be exceptional in anything and everything.

How realistic are our expectations? How much of what we do as adults is really a tussle with our own anxieties? If the adolescent does not do well, we may be seen as a parent who has failed, a lousy teacher, an irresponsible adult who did not do what we should do or can do. We are afraid that our children will struggle to make ends meet or not have a good job if they faired poorly in school. We are worried that they will blame us for not giving them the right advice when they needed it. We fear that society will mock us for not doing our duty if we did not show our children the correct path to take in life.

At the end of the day, each of us is and can only be responsible for our own lives. By the time the child becomes an adolescent, she (also applicable to “he”) needs to develop the skills required as an adult to learn to make her own decisions and decide what she desires for herself and how she wants to live her life. We are here to support and encourage her in her journey of discovery and adventure of life. We are here to facilitate the process, to show her the options and the possibilities. Not to restrict her, nor to stifle her, nor to tell her what to do.

I am not suggesting that the adults let go completely. I am not suggesting that the adolescents defy and disregard everything that the adults say.

This is more like a dance, a tango of sorts.

We play our respective parts.

Then, we allow these youth the autonomy to be the architects and fashioners of their own desired future.

There is no absolute right or wrong in the journey of life because life is not static but a dynamic evolution of the choices and decisions we make. It is how we live our life, which makes it meaningful.

Boys don't cry

“I’m not sure how effective emotion-focused therapy is for working with men since men seem to be less in touch with their emotions during therapy.”

“Yes, I wonder about that too. I was able to get my female client to talk about her emotions but when I asked my male client what he felt, he said that he didn’t know and I was stuck. I found it very difficult to proceed.”

For the past year, I was attending a series of workshops by Dr Leslie Greenberg to learn more about Emotion-Focused Therapy and most of my coursemates shared similar sentiments about the difficulty of working with the emotions of male clients. However, during the past half of decade of working with predominantly male population, I certainly had a different experience of the commonly-held belief about men’s inability to express emotions.

“I tried emotion-focused therapy with some of my male clients and they were able to emote during the sessions. I think that once the rapport is built and there is enough trust in the therapeutic relationship, they will feel comfortable about expressing their emotions and their vulnerabilities.”

Just as Una Stannard, author of “Mrs Man”, said, “Men are no more immune from emotions than women; we think women are more emotional because the culture lets them give free vent to certain feelings, “feminine” ones, that is, no anger please, but it’s okay to turn on the waterworks.”

I remember seeing a little boy playing in the playground and when he accidentally fell down, he started to cry. An adult, presumably his mother, attended to him promptly and instead of comforting him, rebuked him sternly.

“Why are you crying? Stop crying now! Boys don’t cry. Shame, shame.”

It is shameful for boys to cry, apparently. Many people believe so. Generations after generations, parents socialise their sons into believing that boys don’t cry and that it is shameful to cry. Boys should never be seen crying in school because their friends will laugh at them and ridicule them, “What a sissy! Just like a girl!” How humiliating it must be!

It must be tormenting for a male to go through life, suppressing one of the primary emotions of a human being, that is, sadness and pain. He deliberately obliterates this emotion from his vocabulary and instinctively disguises and camouflages it with a more acceptable emotion of anger. This makes him emotionally handicapped although he often perceives himself as being more in control by keeping his sadness in check. In reality, he is in great suffering.

I like the way Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (more popularly known for his book entitled “The Little Prince”) wrote in his novel, Southern Mail, “One’s suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields – even to sadness.”

Is this just a difficulty experienced by one half of the world’s population?

“Crying is a sign of weakness.”

Karen proclaimed during a recent group session. I was taken aback to hear that from her because I assumed that it is more acceptable for girls to cry. As I was very confident about my assumption, I turned to the other girls in the group, in hope that they may support me to say that they did not agree with Karen.

“What do you think about what Karen just said, that crying is a sign of weakness.”

“I agree with her,” Shuyi responded. When Karen cried in the previous session, Shuyi empathised with her sadness and she started to cry but she could not verbalise the reasons for feeling so affected by Karen’s sharing. She talked about how embarrassing it was that she cried in the previous session.

“How about the others? Do you have a different view?” I was still hoping that someone might just disagree and I will have an opportunity to intervene elegantly. What happened next was a chorus of exchanges from the girls, all in agreement with Karen and Shuyi. I was completely stumped. What next? How was I to intervene? Surely this meant something to the group – that sadness is a bad emotion and that crying is certainly a sign of weakness.

Struggling to think on my feet, I offered an observation, “Since you regard crying as a sign of weakness and that it is embarrassing, it is no wonder that you feel uncomfortable whenever anyone breaks down in tears. You found it extremely difficult to attend to Karen when she cried, just as how it was in the first session when Dee cried. Everyone looked down and was very silent.”

The group felt that they were not allowed to express their emotions and they had to put on a strong front in front of their peers and teachers. This reminded me of the little boy who cried when he fell in the playground – he was verbally chastised for doing something so shameful as to cry. The opinion and belief transcended the world of boys and entered the realm of girls as well – girls don’t cry.

You have to be strong, an outstanding performer, a top-notch achiever, and most importantly, you cannot wear your emotions on your sleeves. You have to hide and conceal your vulnerabilities because a strong person has no vulnerabilities. By revealing your vulnerabilities, you give others a chance to discover your Achilles heel and that is when you will be defeated. God forbid that you should ever shed a tear and cry!

I looked at the girls and felt a wave of sadness waft over me. They must each be carrying a carefully-packed load of emotions which they were afraid that anyone would ever notice. I needed to create a therapeutic environment, which was safe and secure so that the girls will feel safe enough to express themselves during the sessions. Safety with me as well as with each other, that they will not feel judged by each other as they attempt to be genuine and authentic in the sessions.

Mark Twain described very aptly, “Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.”

This is how I view emotions – that emotions are normal; that they are our natural responses to our moment-to-moment experiences; that they are real and they remind us of our basic humanity. Our emotions inform us of our unconscious realities, our vulnerabilities and our triggers in response to various aspects of life. I have been told that some emotions are bad and should be avoided, or better, never be expressed. There is no such thing as a good or bad emotion, contrary to what most people think. What is more important is to be able to recognise our emotions, identify them and appreciate why we feel the way we do, attend to our emotions and express them appropriately. If we view certain emotions as being bad or undesirable, we end up denying those feelings and that part of us which experiences such emotions. This means that we will be unable to acknowledge a part of who we are and what we are made up of.

The problem is that many of us are afraid of painful and difficult emotions, those of our own and of others around us. They may seem overwhelming and even overbearing so we avoid facing those emotions and sitting in the same room as those who are experiencing them. Whatever we cannot deal with, we will try to stop it, as if we can put an imaginary cap over an overflowing bottle of fluid to stop it from overflowing. We are worried that by allowing our emotions to flow, we may lose control and fall apart, into pieces.

“You have to control your emotions!”

Don’t we often hear that said to us? Or we may be the ones saying this phrase to others. But is this really possible? To control our emotions? All we will be doing is to bottle up our emotions, almost literally, bottled up – putting that imaginary cap over your bottle of overflowing fluid of emotions. Imagine what happens to you, the turmoil you will feel and the injuries you are inflicting on your body. Emotions are felt in the body and that explains the ailments that we sometimes experience when we do not feel good about what’s going on in our lives. Some people term it as psychosomatic symptoms but it does not really matter what term we use to describe our experience. When you are in touch with your bodily experience, you will be able to sense the discomfort or unsettling feeling. This is when you take a step back and reflect and ponder what your body is trying to tell you and where the discomfort is coming from. This may give you a sense of what you are experiencing and why you feel the way you do.

Every human being has a range of feelings and emotions that he or she will feel from time to time. Give yourself the permission to feel them and validate your emotions as you experience them because this is what makes you uniquely human.

“Feelings or emotions are the universal language and are to be honored. They are the authentic expression of who you are at your deepest place.” – Judith Wright

The gems within

During a conversation over a meal, I was asked by a friend (let's call him "D") where I get my inspiration for the blog entries. Well, since I started writing, I have been more mindful and present in my daily encounters and experiences. I reflect a lot more deeply about life, relationships, my felt sense, feelings and emotions.

"Are you going to write about this meal?" D asked curiously.

"Err, no." I thought briefly about the food I was eating. No, nothing came to mind at that moment.

* * * * * * * * * *

The next time I spoke with D again, we chatted about a variety of topics. It was rather random, but I asked him what he thought his strengths are.

D laughed, "This sounds like a job interview!"

I thought about the sessions I had with my clients during the week. Sometimes, this can indeed be an occupational hazard when I bring my counsellor stance into my social interactions! Anyhow, D thought for a very long time but could not think of anything. Well, he did think of one, just one.

Whenever my clients have difficulties thinking of any of their strengths, I would whip out my pack of strength cards, and get them to select a couple of cards for themselves. Without these cards at hand, I was not sure how I could prompt D, so I started to list as many strengths as I could recall. Even with that list, D struggled to find anything to represent his good qualities.

We are often highly critical of ourselves and we tend to find much more faults in ourselves than anything commendable or positive. It is not even humility. We are afraid that our subjective experience of who we feel we are may not be absolutely true and that it would be too presumptuous to think that we really have any virtues to show forth.

I came across this meaningful passage yesterday morning as I was pondering about this topic:

"We are builders of our own characters. We have different positions, spheres, capacities, privileges, different work to do in the world, different temporal fabrics to raise; but we are all alike in this, all are architects of fate." - John Fothergill Waterhouse Ware

Life is a journey. Daily living is a process. Absolute truth does not really exist and who is to judge us for who we are (except God, or whichever Great Being you believe in). We carry with us different qualities and different aspects of ourselves in our everyday lives and interact with different people who cross our paths. We may not be aware of it, but our influence and the effects of our words and actions will inevitably affect another human being, and maybe even multitudes of people out there in the world. We are no doubt "architects of fate", as the passage describes so aptly.


Look within yourself and discover the gems within. Having an awareness and consciousness of ourselves and the qualities that we possess or do not possess (usually, we think we do not possess them because we tend not to recognise our qualities nor give credit for who we are), will give us a sense of our abilities and capabilities. This will help us grow and develop our capacities and potentialities to touch the heart of another human being.

Reflect on your gems within.

Man's distinction lieth not in ornaments or wealth, but rather in virtuous behavior and true understanding." - Baha'u'llah

The voice of an adolescent

It has been a while since I have run therapy groups. It is quite unheard of in this part of the world and clients often find it anxiety-provoking to share their thoughts and feelings within a group setting. Actually I feel that this is probably not very different from the hesitations and inhibitions of people from other countries as well. Generally, once a certain level of safety and trust is established, the group will feel more comfortable about sharing and engaging others within the group.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to set up such groups among the girls I am working with. I did not call it a therapy group because that is too foreign and I felt that for a start, a slightly more semi-structured approach will fit better. Anyway, I am not about to launch into a full-length essay and discussion about what a therapy group entails. Instead, I would like to dwell on some of my thoughts about my attempts to help these 15 year-olds have a voice, and let their voice be heard.

While I was preparing for this group, I came across a powerful quote:

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” – Harvey Fierstein

I sat in the groups (I ran two groups, with seven girls each) and listened to their struggles. I realised that it is extremely difficult for them to find their voice and how they would like to define themselves. As they search out the meaning of their lives, to discover what they truly desire for themselves, they are bombarded by the voices of adults - through their parents, relatives, teachers, politicians, various other adults and even the media and numerous propaganda. I say "bombarded" because these voices are really loud, significant, distracting and possibly even jarring at times. The girls become confused and wonder if they can really be the person they choose to be. Do they have a choice? Do they have a say?

As adults, we think we know better. We think we know what is best for these young ladies. Besides, we have a wider range of lived experiences so we would be in a much better position to give sound advices (or so we think). We think that it is our responsibility as the custodians of their lives, to guide them to a bright and promising future where they will be successful and well-accomplished individuals in society. As parents, we tend to expect a lot from our children. Many parents unknowingly and unwittingly impose their hopes, wishes, dreams, desires and aspirations on their children. They want their children to tread on territories which they have never been before and attain remarkable and spectacular achievements which they failed to accomplish as a child. We think that by setting the bar as high as possible, we may be able to stretch them to their fullest potential and be exceptional in anything and everything.


The question is, "How realistic are our expectations?" How much of what we do as adults is really a tussle with our own anxieties? If the adolescent does not do well, we may be seen as a parent who has failed, a lousy teacher, an irresponsible adult who did not do what we should do or can do.

At the end of the day, each of us is and can only be responsible for our own lives. By the time the child becomes an adolescent, she (also applicable to "he") needs to develop the skills required as an adult to learn to make her own decisions and decide what she desires for herself and how she wants to live her life. We are here to support and encourage her in her journey of discovery and adventure of life. We are here to facilitate the process, to show her the options and the possibilities. Not to restrict her, nor to stifle her, nor to tell her what to do.

Let us now take the time to listen to the voices of our adolescents, rather than to have them repeat after us.