Numbing the pain

About seven and a half years’ ago, I was lying in the hospital in a lot of pain – labour pains. It turned out that my baby was in distress and I had to go through an emergency Cesarean procedure instead of the normal delivery. I was looking forward to experience what my mother had to go through to give birth to me so I was somewhat disappointed that the birthing experience was going to be replaced by an operation. An anesthetist was called in to administer epidural to numb the pain, so that I will not feel any pain during the process. Indeed there was no pain. I was a passive participant in the entire procedure, just a spectator observing the nurses and doctors do what they are supposed to do to bring the new life into this world. I was drowsy and sedated so I have only a very faint memory of what happened that evening.

As the hours went by, the effect of the painkillers started to wear out and I felt pain at my abdominal area, where the 10 cm-wound was located. The pain was immensely unbearable and I had to take the prescribed dosage of painkillers, to numb the pain. It was easy to have epidural or painkillers numb my physical pain, but what was more painful was feeling like an inadequate and incompetent mother, who was unable to give birth in the “normal” way. When I was wheeled out of the operating theatre to face my mother, I thought I saw a face of ridicule - I had a few points taken off from my scoreboard as a mother, even before I even started. There were no painkillers available to numb that painful feeling.

However, human beings are such creative creatures. We sought out “painkillers” for life’s pain, to numb the pain, to avoid, run away from and hide from our difficulties. In school, we strive towards academic excellence, learning the grammar of languages, the complexity of mathematics, the intricacies of science and the poetic discourse in literature. Alas, there is no curriculum for dealing with life’s challenges. I must admit that it is tough to face our problems and difficulties. It is much easier to avoid them instead of having to deal with them because we often do not know how to resolve them and we do not know how long it will take to resolve.

For a number of my friends, the “painkiller” of choice is alcohol. They often call it “social drinking”, just to have a couple of drinks with their friends, to chill and chat with their drinking buddies. Some go on to disguise their need to indulge in alcohol as a form of “necessity” to socialize with their business associates, to seal the deal. Their explanation seems reasonable and legitimate.

At the end of every work day, Steven returns to an empty home. He lives alone. He has been living alone since his divorce. It has been many years but he still felt the emotional pain from the breakdown of the marital relationship. The pain of loneliness haunts him as soon as he walks through the door to the deafening silence of the emptiness. The only company he has is the sound of his own footsteps and the tiny stream of warm air from his breath. Occasionally, he may hear the neighbour's dog barking or the chime of the lift when a neighbour returns home from work. All these are terrible reminders that no one is witnessing how alone he is, how isolated he feels deep down inside. Steven has his television set on constantly. It gives a sense that there is life and activity in his home. He has the company of the newscaster, the actors and actresses of some TV drama series or hosts of some variety programmes.

On some days, Steven resorts to drinking, so that he is not completely sober when he returns home. The effect of the alcohol dulls his senses and he becomes less aware of his loneliness and he quickly falls asleep. By the time he wakes up in the morning, it is yet another work day, where the routine repeats itself. Steven never allows himself to deal with his pain, to face his pain, to go through his pain and to eventually heal his pain. Instead, he skillfully numbs his pain, with varying amounts of alcohol. It is certainly easier avoid having to face his pain.

For some, spending long hours at work keeps their feelings in check. They bury themselves under piles of paperwork (not so common in this era of modern digital technology) and go through the regular flow of e-mails into both their work and personal e-mail accounts. The happiest people who benefit most from these workaholics are probably their employers because they present themselves as being hardworking, productive and dedicated workers. You may ask them why they work so hard and their usual reply would be, "I can't help it. There is just so much work to do." In some cases, the inherent nature of the job demands the person of his time and his life. However, for the large part of it, it may be the unconscious result of the individual loading himself or herself with immense amount of work, leaving little spare time to dwell on any difficult emotions.

Mei fell out with her friends. They used to hang out together all the time. They studied in the library together; they ate in the canteen together during recess and lunch breaks; they shared many interests and did a range of activities together. Unfortunately, there was a misunderstanding and their feelings were hurt by one another. You know how difficult it is to mend relationships under such circumstances. Mei did not know what to do and no matter what she tried to do or say, there was hostility and tension. It was no longer important to try to ascertain blame or trying to figure out who caused the friendship to turn sour. Each of them distanced themselves from each other, feeling sad, hurt, pain and isolated, no longer able to seek comfort from the closeness they used to have as friends.

“Never mind. I’m used to it already. I shall just focus on my studies.”

Mei decided that she will turn to her books and study. She can hang out with her books any time of the day. Her books will never get hurt or angry with her. They are much more reliable source of company. The advantage is that her grades will probably improve since she will be studying a lot more. She will spend so much time on her studies that there will be no time to think about friends, friendships or touchy-feely stuff like emotions.

We can be very effective at avoiding our pain, numbing our pain. Mostly, it involves some kind of obsession or compulsion. Some people consume alcohol, illicit drugs or food. Some people indulge in gaming, online activities, watching drama series, shopping or gambling. Others hide behind a more acceptable façade of excessive working, intense studying, obsessive exercising, involvement in multiple activities and so on.

‎"Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously." - J. Donald Walters

There is no single remedy or solution for the trials and difficulties which we face. By numbing ourselves, building those walls and trying to escape our problems, it seems that the problems have disappeared. But once the effect of the “painkillers” wears out, we are reminded that our pain is still very present, lingering somewhere in our experiencing self. What is the pain that you are running away from? How are you hiding from it? Do you need to grieve sufficiently over some loss in your life? Do you need to let go of a lost relationship? Do you need to forgive yourself? Do you need to accept yourself for who you are? By confronting your difficulties courageously, you would have to struggle and there will be discomfort. The only way out of pain is through it.

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For a long time, I struggled with feelings of inadequacy as a person, as a mother, as a daughter and as a sister. The face of ridicule which I saw outside the operating theatre was not my mother’s. It was my own. A reflection of how I saw myself – the face of contempt, jeering at me and looking down at me. I conjured a huge amount of courage to confront my self-critic and started the process of learning to accept the person that I am.