The misunderstood

I cannot tolerate injustice and will try ways and means to fight for those who have no voice or are in a position in which they have no way of standing up for their rights. Of course this often got me into a lot of trouble because the people I stood up against were usually the people in power and the probability of winning is very slim. I did it anyway, almost like hitting my head against the wall, or bulldozing my way through, like some headstrong (and possibly, quite senseless) fanatic. After several knocks and bruises, nowadays, I am a little more subdued and measured in my bulldozing endeavours, which is probably a good thing - keeps my energy and anger in check!

Now that I work in a school setting, the type of dynamics played out are very different. I would see the tension between the teachers and the students, the bullying among students and so on. Interestingly, I have also shifted in terms of how I perceive the various groups of people. I no longer see one group as the "bad" and another group as the "good", nor either being more right than the other. I realised that everybody has their side of the story to tell and no one is more wrong than the other. In addition, because of the interactions at play, one person's behaviour is very likely to induce a reaction from the other. That person will then respond in the way that they know best, because that is how they live their lives and how they feel about themselves as well as how they experience the other person's behaviour.

What tends to happen in a school environment is that "troublemakers" are very quickly identified. They are the menace of the class, the ones who are disruptive during lessons, the ones who sow discord among classmates and the ones whom nobody likes. They are the unpopular, the outcast, the centre of recess gossips and the "public enemy". We pay attention at "persecuting" them and making sure that they understand the consequences of their actions. We also make them feel guilty for how much hurt and harm they have caused to other teachers and students.

The question is, "Who empathises with the troublemakers?"

No one really. No one feels they deserve any form of empathy and understanding because people who are rotten at the core does not deserve sympathy in any way. Perhaps this is the harsh reality they are faced with. Since the world turns its back on them, they continue to lash out and act out. No one cares anyway.

One of these troublemakers, Sue, told me, "I am the most unpopular in class. No one is more unpopular than me, even ants, spiders, lizards and cockroaches. Oh wait... I think except cockroaches. Nobody likes cockroaches so I guess I am more popular than the cockroaches."

I felt sad to hear Sue compare her self-worth to that of a cockroach. After that exclamation, she laughed it off saying that it is really no big deal and that she is used to the way others treat her. Sue is familiar to the feeling of being shunned by her peers. She is not quite sure why this happens but she knows people do not like her very much. I noticed the pain in her eyes as she shifted her gaze to the floor and she paused for a while without saying a word.

The other day, her teacher asked, "Did Sue see you? How did the session go?"

"She came. I asked her to come with two friends next time. I hope that her friends can share about how they experience her and maybe this can provide her with some helpful feedback."

"Friends? I don't think Sue has any friends."

I felt a sense of heaviness in my heart when I heard the teacher say that. The odds are against Sue and others hold her in such disdain and skepticism that there can be anything positive or good about Sue. When Sue first came to see me at the beginning of the year, I got a glimpse of the difficulties she has to deal with at home. Her father is physically and verbally abusive and she has to protect her helpless younger brother. Her heart is filled with anger towards her father and she takes the stance of an aggressor to wrestle with her father and outwit him in numerous ways. She has to behave and act the way she did for her own survival and sanity. The home is a tough place to be in. Unfortunately, she is harsh and antagonistic outside home as well. She does not know any other way to live her life or be in the world with others.

I have a great amount of empathy for the misunderstood because I know that very few people see the goodness and positives in them. Not many will believe that they have the potential to grow and develop as a person. The other area is to connect with the pain they experience and help them process and make sense of their pain.

At the very core of who they are as a person, they are human beings who have feelings, who experience hurt and pain, who yearn to love and be loved, who desire connection and to be accepted for who they are.

Are we ready to reach out to them, to try to understand and appreciate their lives through their lens, to put ourselves in their shoes? Are we prepared to treat them with kindness and forgiveness and relate to them with compassion?

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.” - Paulo Coelho

Hear it from a fellow traveller

Here is a link to an interview with me, featured on breathe.sg entitled “Hear it from a fellow traveller”. Breathe.sg is an online youth portal created by the Health Promotion Board as part of their 2012 Youth Mental Resilience campaign.

(Taken from breathe.sg feature)


You may not know her name, but Michelle Koay is one of those everyday heroes who found their calling in helping people who are struggling with school work, family, or life in general.

Being a great listener has helped her work as counsellor and she's been able to help many young people surpass their emotional obstacles.

She was very happy to meet us to discuss her experiences, which she also shares on her blog, on her Twitter, and on her Facebook.

1. How did you become a counsellor?

Actually, I started out my career as an engineer. After spending 6 years as an engineer, I felt that I preferred working with people than with machines. I pursued a post-graduate degree in Master of Social Science (Counselling) which allowed me to switch fields to counselling. During my first job as a counsellor in the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) Counselling Centre, my clients were mainly young men serving their National Service and both male and female SAF regulars. Last July, I made a dramatic switch from working in a military setting to working with adolescent girls in a school setting when I joined Raffles Girls School.

2. What are some of your day-to-day activities?

Since RGS is a school, my day-to-day activities vary according to the school schedule. What is nice about working here is that we are like a family and I interact with the students and teachers during assembly, in the canteen, along the corridor and just about anywhere around the school.

During the normal school term, girls may walk-in to talk to me about their issues or I may see them based on their scheduled appointments. Sometimes, groups of girls will have conversations with me about ideas and opinions concerning some research assignments or community projects in which they are involved. Of course, teachers also drop by from time-to-time to discuss their students' issues.

3. What does your job consist of exactly?

My job mainly consists of listening and talking to the girls and working through their issues. The girls who see me may be troubled or overwhelmed with various types of stresses: academic, relationships with friends and family, personal struggles and so on.

4. How would you define your role as counsellor?

I call myself a fellow traveller because I journey alongside the people I work with. I don't see myself as an expert, as someone who knows everything about life. In a way, I'm sort of a facilitator, I don't lead or follow, but I help them in their journey so that during the process, they can build their own strengths and eventually be on their own.

5. What part of the job do you find most rewarding?

The most rewarding part of my job is to be able to connect with people at a very deep level. My job is very interesting and enriching and there is never a dull moment because no one person is the same - each story is unique and different. In fact, my job does not feel like work and I look forward to learning something new about others and myself every day.

6. Do you have any memorable anecdotes to share?

One of the students was referred for counselling because of a disciplinary case in school. She was extremely distressed because her friends and teachers lost trust in her. It was difficult for her to reach out to her parents for support because she felt ignored and unloved by her parents. She felt that her parents paid more attention to her younger brother who was not doing well in school and was often showered with gifts and rewards if he made any progress or had any academic achievements. She studied very hard and did very well in school but she did not get the recognition and affirmation she hoped for from her parents. For a long period of time, she felt very isolated from her peers as well as her family and that made her very unhappy.

Over time, she slowly re-built the trust and friendship with her peers. In fact, she realised that her friends had already forgiven her and what she needed to do was to forgive herself and stop berating herself for what she did. At the end of last year, she decided to try to improve the relationship with her parents so she took the courage to initiate a conversation with them. She shared with her parents how she had been feeling and the difficulties she was experiencing. What was remarkable was that her parents did not brush her off and negate her experiences. Instead, they listened intently and were open to what she had to say. Her parents made efforts to spend more time with her and engage in various bonding activities together. I remember how happy she was during Chinese New Year, when she gave me some of the pineapple tarts which she and her mother had baked together.

7. How can youngsters channel their sadness, angst, anger, frustrations?

Youngsters can do so through creative expressions of art, music, and the body. The following are some examples: sketching, drawing, painting, sculpting, sewing, knitting, crochet, origami, scrapbooking, digital art, interior design, architectural design, singing, playing musical instruments, composing music, poetry, story-telling, writing, drama, floral arrangement, baking, cooking, dancing, yoga, Pilates, individual sports (eg. swimming, running), group sports (eg. badminton, soccer, tennis).

8. How do you define resilience?

The interesting thing about resilience is that it is very closely linked to failure. I feel that one has to experience failure or setbacks in order to develop resilience. Resilience is how one deals with failures, being able to face oneself and others, and learning and growing positively from that experience.

9. How can youth attain such resilience?

Creating awareness among parents would be a good start. Asian parents tend to set very high expectations of their children and are demanding and critical towards them. The children grow up and become fearful of failure and not meeting their parents' expectations. Parents will have to create a more nurturing environment, which helps children develop and grow rather than a harsh environment, which does not allow room for mistakes. Youth will need to learn self-acceptance, self-care, and how to recognise their own strengths. It is also helpful for people around them to encourage and affirm them for their self-worth.

10. How could someone interested in what you do get a start in counselling?

Well, if they have some interest in helping people, but don't know if that's what they want to do, they can get a sense of it by volunteering. They can work with children, teenagers, the elderly and so on. One good place to source for volunteering opportunities is the National Volunteer and Philanthropy Centre website.

A related point on resilience is that these sorts of activities can actually help them find out just how resilient they are. Because not everyone is cut out for this sort of job. They have to be able to deal with strong and difficult emotions and not become overwhelmed by them.