The misunderstood

I cannot tolerate injustice and will try ways and means to fight for those who have no voice or are in a position in which they have no way of standing up for their rights. Of course this often got me into a lot of trouble because the people I stood up against were usually the people in power and the probability of winning is very slim. I did it anyway, almost like hitting my head against the wall, or bulldozing my way through, like some headstrong (and possibly, quite senseless) fanatic. After several knocks and bruises, nowadays, I am a little more subdued and measured in my bulldozing endeavours, which is probably a good thing - keeps my energy and anger in check!

Now that I work in a school setting, the type of dynamics played out are very different. I would see the tension between the teachers and the students, the bullying among students and so on. Interestingly, I have also shifted in terms of how I perceive the various groups of people. I no longer see one group as the "bad" and another group as the "good", nor either being more right than the other. I realised that everybody has their side of the story to tell and no one is more wrong than the other. In addition, because of the interactions at play, one person's behaviour is very likely to induce a reaction from the other. That person will then respond in the way that they know best, because that is how they live their lives and how they feel about themselves as well as how they experience the other person's behaviour.

What tends to happen in a school environment is that "troublemakers" are very quickly identified. They are the menace of the class, the ones who are disruptive during lessons, the ones who sow discord among classmates and the ones whom nobody likes. They are the unpopular, the outcast, the centre of recess gossips and the "public enemy". We pay attention at "persecuting" them and making sure that they understand the consequences of their actions. We also make them feel guilty for how much hurt and harm they have caused to other teachers and students.

The question is, "Who empathises with the troublemakers?"

No one really. No one feels they deserve any form of empathy and understanding because people who are rotten at the core does not deserve sympathy in any way. Perhaps this is the harsh reality they are faced with. Since the world turns its back on them, they continue to lash out and act out. No one cares anyway.

One of these troublemakers, Sue, told me, "I am the most unpopular in class. No one is more unpopular than me, even ants, spiders, lizards and cockroaches. Oh wait... I think except cockroaches. Nobody likes cockroaches so I guess I am more popular than the cockroaches."

I felt sad to hear Sue compare her self-worth to that of a cockroach. After that exclamation, she laughed it off saying that it is really no big deal and that she is used to the way others treat her. Sue is familiar to the feeling of being shunned by her peers. She is not quite sure why this happens but she knows people do not like her very much. I noticed the pain in her eyes as she shifted her gaze to the floor and she paused for a while without saying a word.

The other day, her teacher asked, "Did Sue see you? How did the session go?"

"She came. I asked her to come with two friends next time. I hope that her friends can share about how they experience her and maybe this can provide her with some helpful feedback."

"Friends? I don't think Sue has any friends."

I felt a sense of heaviness in my heart when I heard the teacher say that. The odds are against Sue and others hold her in such disdain and skepticism that there can be anything positive or good about Sue. When Sue first came to see me at the beginning of the year, I got a glimpse of the difficulties she has to deal with at home. Her father is physically and verbally abusive and she has to protect her helpless younger brother. Her heart is filled with anger towards her father and she takes the stance of an aggressor to wrestle with her father and outwit him in numerous ways. She has to behave and act the way she did for her own survival and sanity. The home is a tough place to be in. Unfortunately, she is harsh and antagonistic outside home as well. She does not know any other way to live her life or be in the world with others.

I have a great amount of empathy for the misunderstood because I know that very few people see the goodness and positives in them. Not many will believe that they have the potential to grow and develop as a person. The other area is to connect with the pain they experience and help them process and make sense of their pain.

At the very core of who they are as a person, they are human beings who have feelings, who experience hurt and pain, who yearn to love and be loved, who desire connection and to be accepted for who they are.

Are we ready to reach out to them, to try to understand and appreciate their lives through their lens, to put ourselves in their shoes? Are we prepared to treat them with kindness and forgiveness and relate to them with compassion?

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.” - Paulo Coelho

Numbing the pain

About seven and a half years’ ago, I was lying in the hospital in a lot of pain – labour pains. It turned out that my baby was in distress and I had to go through an emergency Cesarean procedure instead of the normal delivery. I was looking forward to experience what my mother had to go through to give birth to me so I was somewhat disappointed that the birthing experience was going to be replaced by an operation. An anesthetist was called in to administer epidural to numb the pain, so that I will not feel any pain during the process. Indeed there was no pain. I was a passive participant in the entire procedure, just a spectator observing the nurses and doctors do what they are supposed to do to bring the new life into this world. I was drowsy and sedated so I have only a very faint memory of what happened that evening.

As the hours went by, the effect of the painkillers started to wear out and I felt pain at my abdominal area, where the 10 cm-wound was located. The pain was immensely unbearable and I had to take the prescribed dosage of painkillers, to numb the pain. It was easy to have epidural or painkillers numb my physical pain, but what was more painful was feeling like an inadequate and incompetent mother, who was unable to give birth in the “normal” way. When I was wheeled out of the operating theatre to face my mother, I thought I saw a face of ridicule - I had a few points taken off from my scoreboard as a mother, even before I even started. There were no painkillers available to numb that painful feeling.

However, human beings are such creative creatures. We sought out “painkillers” for life’s pain, to numb the pain, to avoid, run away from and hide from our difficulties. In school, we strive towards academic excellence, learning the grammar of languages, the complexity of mathematics, the intricacies of science and the poetic discourse in literature. Alas, there is no curriculum for dealing with life’s challenges. I must admit that it is tough to face our problems and difficulties. It is much easier to avoid them instead of having to deal with them because we often do not know how to resolve them and we do not know how long it will take to resolve.

For a number of my friends, the “painkiller” of choice is alcohol. They often call it “social drinking”, just to have a couple of drinks with their friends, to chill and chat with their drinking buddies. Some go on to disguise their need to indulge in alcohol as a form of “necessity” to socialize with their business associates, to seal the deal. Their explanation seems reasonable and legitimate.

At the end of every work day, Steven returns to an empty home. He lives alone. He has been living alone since his divorce. It has been many years but he still felt the emotional pain from the breakdown of the marital relationship. The pain of loneliness haunts him as soon as he walks through the door to the deafening silence of the emptiness. The only company he has is the sound of his own footsteps and the tiny stream of warm air from his breath. Occasionally, he may hear the neighbour's dog barking or the chime of the lift when a neighbour returns home from work. All these are terrible reminders that no one is witnessing how alone he is, how isolated he feels deep down inside. Steven has his television set on constantly. It gives a sense that there is life and activity in his home. He has the company of the newscaster, the actors and actresses of some TV drama series or hosts of some variety programmes.

On some days, Steven resorts to drinking, so that he is not completely sober when he returns home. The effect of the alcohol dulls his senses and he becomes less aware of his loneliness and he quickly falls asleep. By the time he wakes up in the morning, it is yet another work day, where the routine repeats itself. Steven never allows himself to deal with his pain, to face his pain, to go through his pain and to eventually heal his pain. Instead, he skillfully numbs his pain, with varying amounts of alcohol. It is certainly easier avoid having to face his pain.

For some, spending long hours at work keeps their feelings in check. They bury themselves under piles of paperwork (not so common in this era of modern digital technology) and go through the regular flow of e-mails into both their work and personal e-mail accounts. The happiest people who benefit most from these workaholics are probably their employers because they present themselves as being hardworking, productive and dedicated workers. You may ask them why they work so hard and their usual reply would be, "I can't help it. There is just so much work to do." In some cases, the inherent nature of the job demands the person of his time and his life. However, for the large part of it, it may be the unconscious result of the individual loading himself or herself with immense amount of work, leaving little spare time to dwell on any difficult emotions.

Mei fell out with her friends. They used to hang out together all the time. They studied in the library together; they ate in the canteen together during recess and lunch breaks; they shared many interests and did a range of activities together. Unfortunately, there was a misunderstanding and their feelings were hurt by one another. You know how difficult it is to mend relationships under such circumstances. Mei did not know what to do and no matter what she tried to do or say, there was hostility and tension. It was no longer important to try to ascertain blame or trying to figure out who caused the friendship to turn sour. Each of them distanced themselves from each other, feeling sad, hurt, pain and isolated, no longer able to seek comfort from the closeness they used to have as friends.

“Never mind. I’m used to it already. I shall just focus on my studies.”

Mei decided that she will turn to her books and study. She can hang out with her books any time of the day. Her books will never get hurt or angry with her. They are much more reliable source of company. The advantage is that her grades will probably improve since she will be studying a lot more. She will spend so much time on her studies that there will be no time to think about friends, friendships or touchy-feely stuff like emotions.

We can be very effective at avoiding our pain, numbing our pain. Mostly, it involves some kind of obsession or compulsion. Some people consume alcohol, illicit drugs or food. Some people indulge in gaming, online activities, watching drama series, shopping or gambling. Others hide behind a more acceptable façade of excessive working, intense studying, obsessive exercising, involvement in multiple activities and so on.

‎"Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously." - J. Donald Walters

There is no single remedy or solution for the trials and difficulties which we face. By numbing ourselves, building those walls and trying to escape our problems, it seems that the problems have disappeared. But once the effect of the “painkillers” wears out, we are reminded that our pain is still very present, lingering somewhere in our experiencing self. What is the pain that you are running away from? How are you hiding from it? Do you need to grieve sufficiently over some loss in your life? Do you need to let go of a lost relationship? Do you need to forgive yourself? Do you need to accept yourself for who you are? By confronting your difficulties courageously, you would have to struggle and there will be discomfort. The only way out of pain is through it.

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For a long time, I struggled with feelings of inadequacy as a person, as a mother, as a daughter and as a sister. The face of ridicule which I saw outside the operating theatre was not my mother’s. It was my own. A reflection of how I saw myself – the face of contempt, jeering at me and looking down at me. I conjured a huge amount of courage to confront my self-critic and started the process of learning to accept the person that I am.