The misunderstood

I cannot tolerate injustice and will try ways and means to fight for those who have no voice or are in a position in which they have no way of standing up for their rights. Of course this often got me into a lot of trouble because the people I stood up against were usually the people in power and the probability of winning is very slim. I did it anyway, almost like hitting my head against the wall, or bulldozing my way through, like some headstrong (and possibly, quite senseless) fanatic. After several knocks and bruises, nowadays, I am a little more subdued and measured in my bulldozing endeavours, which is probably a good thing - keeps my energy and anger in check!

Now that I work in a school setting, the type of dynamics played out are very different. I would see the tension between the teachers and the students, the bullying among students and so on. Interestingly, I have also shifted in terms of how I perceive the various groups of people. I no longer see one group as the "bad" and another group as the "good", nor either being more right than the other. I realised that everybody has their side of the story to tell and no one is more wrong than the other. In addition, because of the interactions at play, one person's behaviour is very likely to induce a reaction from the other. That person will then respond in the way that they know best, because that is how they live their lives and how they feel about themselves as well as how they experience the other person's behaviour.

What tends to happen in a school environment is that "troublemakers" are very quickly identified. They are the menace of the class, the ones who are disruptive during lessons, the ones who sow discord among classmates and the ones whom nobody likes. They are the unpopular, the outcast, the centre of recess gossips and the "public enemy". We pay attention at "persecuting" them and making sure that they understand the consequences of their actions. We also make them feel guilty for how much hurt and harm they have caused to other teachers and students.

The question is, "Who empathises with the troublemakers?"

No one really. No one feels they deserve any form of empathy and understanding because people who are rotten at the core does not deserve sympathy in any way. Perhaps this is the harsh reality they are faced with. Since the world turns its back on them, they continue to lash out and act out. No one cares anyway.

One of these troublemakers, Sue, told me, "I am the most unpopular in class. No one is more unpopular than me, even ants, spiders, lizards and cockroaches. Oh wait... I think except cockroaches. Nobody likes cockroaches so I guess I am more popular than the cockroaches."

I felt sad to hear Sue compare her self-worth to that of a cockroach. After that exclamation, she laughed it off saying that it is really no big deal and that she is used to the way others treat her. Sue is familiar to the feeling of being shunned by her peers. She is not quite sure why this happens but she knows people do not like her very much. I noticed the pain in her eyes as she shifted her gaze to the floor and she paused for a while without saying a word.

The other day, her teacher asked, "Did Sue see you? How did the session go?"

"She came. I asked her to come with two friends next time. I hope that her friends can share about how they experience her and maybe this can provide her with some helpful feedback."

"Friends? I don't think Sue has any friends."

I felt a sense of heaviness in my heart when I heard the teacher say that. The odds are against Sue and others hold her in such disdain and skepticism that there can be anything positive or good about Sue. When Sue first came to see me at the beginning of the year, I got a glimpse of the difficulties she has to deal with at home. Her father is physically and verbally abusive and she has to protect her helpless younger brother. Her heart is filled with anger towards her father and she takes the stance of an aggressor to wrestle with her father and outwit him in numerous ways. She has to behave and act the way she did for her own survival and sanity. The home is a tough place to be in. Unfortunately, she is harsh and antagonistic outside home as well. She does not know any other way to live her life or be in the world with others.

I have a great amount of empathy for the misunderstood because I know that very few people see the goodness and positives in them. Not many will believe that they have the potential to grow and develop as a person. The other area is to connect with the pain they experience and help them process and make sense of their pain.

At the very core of who they are as a person, they are human beings who have feelings, who experience hurt and pain, who yearn to love and be loved, who desire connection and to be accepted for who they are.

Are we ready to reach out to them, to try to understand and appreciate their lives through their lens, to put ourselves in their shoes? Are we prepared to treat them with kindness and forgiveness and relate to them with compassion?

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.” - Paulo Coelho