As human beings, we all yearn for human connection. We desire closeness with another human being and we want to be loved and accepted for who we are, for our attractive parts as well as our mortal failings. At the same time, we fear rejection. We have a sense of insecurity that leads us to a fear of abandonment. Will they still love me if they knew who I really am, deep down inside?
“If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh
There is this intrinsic tension, this tug-of-war, between reaching out for this connection and retreating back to oneself for fear of the possible rejection. It is hardly a choice between reaching out and retreating back because we are inherently relational beings. We possess a natural instinct to seek out connection.
This natural instinct dates back to a time before our conscious memory can even recall, when we were born. There is no such thing as a baby – it is always a baby and a mother. A baby cannot exist without a mother, or any parental or nurturing caregiver. You may assume that if a baby is given basic necessities like food, clothing and shelter, it will be able to survive and grow healthily. However, a baby needs human connection to thrive and develop psychologically and emotionally as a human being. When a baby feels connected with its mother, it feels secure and it knows that it can rely on its mother for love and support. For a baby who grows up with a secure attachment, it is very likely that this human being is likely to be able to navigate through interpersonal relationships with considerable ease. Unfortunately, such an ideal scenario is often not going to happen because life is extremely complex and there are way too many variables that influence and affect how we think and feel about ourselves as well as the interpersonal relationships that we engage in.
Consequently, what tends to happen is that we will have a desire to reach out and connect with others but we may tend to hesitate about reaching out. Whether we eventually reach out or not depends on how much courage we have to put ourselves out there and how much risk we are willing to take. At the same time, it depends whether the other person reaches out to connect with you as well and whether that person is emotionally available and present for you. Sometimes, it is not solely about how courageous we are, because choosing not to reach out can be a way of creating a safety wall such that by hiding behind that wall, we may be able to protect ourselves, for self-preservation. Holding oneself back may seem to be a safer option since the hurt and pain of being rejected or abandoned can be extremely unbearable and we would rather not experience that heartache. When we keep others at an emotional distance, we think we are able to control the amount of pain that can get to us and we think we can artificially limit the amount of heartache we are willing to allow ourselves to experience. However, by doing so, we prevent ourselves from fully connecting with others and we prevent others from reaching out and connecting with us. This leave us lonelier than ever because our connections are likely to be superficial and without depth.
When life is going fine and well, we may feel happy and confident that we can do without all these connections with people because it can sometimes seem tiring having and maintaining friendships and relationships with people. If we face minor difficulties and challenges, perhaps we may feel strong enough to deal with them on our own as well. Life is full of its usual ups and downs and things do not and will not always go our way. Once in a while, we may find ourselves at a low point in our lives. This is the time when it helps to be able to have somebody to turn to for support. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness and it certainly does not mean that you are incapable of handling your problems. No one dictated that we have to face life’s difficulties on our own. Of course you may be highly effective at finding solutions for your issues but knowing that there are people in your life who care for you and are willing to journey with you through your difficult times can be very comforting and reassuring.
“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved – loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” – Victor Hugo
Take a moment to think about the people in your life. Are you connected with these people? Can you think of three people who are closest to you? If you are truly connected with them, you will know that they will be there for you when you need them. One of the ways to determine whether you are connected is to observe the conversations that you have with them. If they are attuned and mindfully present when you are having a conversation, you will feel and sense that connection.
Connection is a two-way traffic. You have to also ask yourself if you are and can be that someone for another person. Are you there when they need you? Are you attuned and mindfully present when conversing with them? Or are you multi-tasking in your mind and not really paying attention to that person?
The fact is that we are connected to one another in this world. Each of us is responsible for our connections and we can determine the quality of those connections. We have to decide what kind of connections we would like to have with one another. We can stay emotionally disconnected and have superficial connections, which of course will perpetuate our sense of loneliness. Alternatively, we can take relational risks and engage in a relational tango with another person to build and strengthen that connection between both of you. When we connect with people around us, others are connected with you, and they are in turn connected to you as well as to others. Your interactions with people, whether good or bad, will have an effect on their lives. So, why not make it good?
“The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others.” – Albert Schweitzer
