Who am I?

“…the self is the core and the foundation of your day-to-day life. It is important to build this core, this sense of self, because this is where you can draw strength and support from.” I told the students in a talk last month.

I added, “The challenge is that each of us possesses two conflicting competencies. One is the ability to find the self because you, yourself, know what is good and nourishing for you. And the other is the ability, unfortunately, to sabotage and destroy that sense of self.”

It is not easy to find that sense of self because we are always moving back and forth between the two conflicting competencies. Actually, we tend to linger on longer on the part, which sabotages that sense of self by being critical of ourselves, trying to please others and living a life which others have defined for us. We begin to stray away from who we truly are and conform to the societal norms and expectations of who society thinks we are supposed to be. Therefore, it is tough to find our true self.

I feel as if I am at my own personal crossroad, pondering about my own sense of self, asking the most pertinent, philosophical question “Who am I?”. In actual fact, this is more like a mini juncture rather than a crossroad because I often take the opportunity to reflect on my life, when I go for my long runs. I find it extremely therapeutic to go on my weekend runs, which usually take more than two hours. During those runs, I listen to recorded talks by various psychotherapists and experts in the field as well as a variety of songs in the “shuffle mode” on my iPod nano. By now, I am sure that you know that the poet David Whyte has inspired me in numerous ways. Whenever I need a spark of inspiration, I will listen to one of his talks. It was on one of my regular runs that I was struck by his poem on “Self Portrait”. It was not my first time hearing this poem but I felt that it was timely for me, as if it was responding to the questions I had for myself at that point in time.

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Self Portrait by David Whyte

It doesn't interest me if there is one God
or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
abandoned.
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know
if you are prepared to live in the world
with its harsh need
to change you. If you can look back
with firm eyes
saying this is where I stand. I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living
falling toward
the center of your longing. I want to know
if you are willing
to live, day by day, with the consequence of love
and the bitter
unwanted passion of your sure defeat.

I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even
the gods speak of God.
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For many, finding that sense of self is an intellectual exercise, writing down the options and choices on a sheet of paper, and tabulating the pros and cons or likes and dislikes. In a way, that seems like a rational and practical way of trying to define who you are. However, I feel that if you were to confine yourself to processing the information mentally and cognitively, it will only get you this far and you may not necessarily be satisfied or happy with the outcome and the result of your theoretical analysis.

Now that I am working in a school, I realized that the educational journey has very specific milestones, all carefully mapped out for the students. Depending on the education system that you are in, you would spend a certain number of years in preschool, primary school, secondary school, polytechnic or junior college and university. Of course there may be slight variations to each phase of your educational journey but for the large part of it, it should look pretty much like how I described it. It is convenient that the milestones are fixed and as a student, you will do your part by preparing yourself for each transition to the next phase, which typically presents itself as a series of assessments or a major examination. In school, you are given a manageable number of choices and options. Usually, your parents will play a part to determine which path you will take, so the decision-making process is not incredibly difficult or complicated.

However, after you complete your formal education, you are left on your own to decide what you want to do with your life. There is a vast ocean of possibilities out there. It is like being thrown into the deep ocean with a tiny little float, hanging onto the certifications and qualifications, which you have acquired as you were growing up. Did anyone ever tell us life could be this hard? What do you want to do? What job would you like to do? How long are you going to stay in the job? How would you know if the job is suitable for you? What will you do after you leave your job? These questions are all very complex because there are no longer fixed milestones that you can follow. There is no certainty in anything and there are no real rules to define what you are supposed to do and there is no absolute and objective right and wrong.

As I am writing this, I am thinking of a few of my friends who are pondering about what they want to do with their lives and their careers. They are at a true crossroad of their lives. Some call it mid-life crisis. You can call the crossroad by whatever name but each of us encounter these junctures at various points in our lives. When you find yourself in this unique situation, it is likely that you are feeling some kind of dissatisfaction in your life, as if the equilibrium is not quite right, that something is out of place for you. For some, it would be clear what is unsettling. For others, it may not be so obvious but the vague, unclear, felt sense will give you some clues that something is not working.

Hence, when I was addressing the students last month, I was hoping that the students would begin their journey to find their sense of self. This sense of self is not going to remain exactly the same for your entire life although it is very likely that the foundational core will not change very much. By finding their sense of self, they will be in a much more position to explore the world of possibilities in the future without losing who they really are and what they really want for themselves.

“I want to change my personality. I want to be like some of my friends who seem to be more charismatic and popular. I am too quiet and I think that I will not be very successful if I am not talkative.”

Mingli was unhappy. She could not be like her friends. She tried to imitate them but no matter how hard she tried, it just did not fit and she was uncomfortable with it.

“You can’t be somebody you are not.”

Mingli agreed reluctantly. “Yes, I know. But only if I am like them, I will have many friends.”

She dwelled on it for a while and struggled with her inner self. She knew that by attempting to create an idealized self based entirely on what she saw in others, she was not going to get very far because she will keep sensing the misfit within her. This is not her. It will not feel right.

We explored her dreams and aspirations and how she can start to find herself in light of what she desires for herself and her life, and how she can live a meaningful life and inspire those around her.

Take a look at the poem by David Whyte again and read it with your heart, slowly. Look inward, listen and feel what your heart is trying to convey to you. I hope that you will start to find the answers that you have been looking for. Let your journey of the discovery of self begin.

Parents love their children

“Surely all parents love their children.” One of the teachers said with such conviction.

“Ideally so. But I’m not so sure if that’s true.” I was somewhat skeptical. I hear clients talk about their relationships and interactions with the parents and I sometimes wonder if some parents do not love their children.

“Really? How can that be?” She was convinced that all parents must love their children.

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Madeline’s father is very involved in her life because he is the one who picks her up from school and calls the teachers when she is too ill to go to school. When you observe her father's involvement in her life, you may assume that he is the primary caregiver. However, the relationship between Madeline and her parents is extremely complex. She lives with her mother but where is her mother? Her parents, Theresa and Charles, are divorced. They are so antagonistic with each other and it is immensely difficult to have a conversation with both of them in the same room. From the accounts of the teachers and Charles, I imagined Theresa to be detached and aloof. She seemed to be disinterested in Madeline’s life because it is always Charles who responds to Madeline’s needs in school. Charles did not think Theresa will be keen to meet with me and that it would be a waste of my time to try to engage her.

When I first spoke to Madeline, she told me, “I do not wish to get married.” It is difficult when children witness the marital breakdown of their parents and some of them turn away from the possibility of a marital union for themselves. Hence, I was not surprised by what she said.

She added, “If he leaves me, my world will fall apart.”

“Whose world fell apart?”

“My mother’s.”

My heart broke when I heard that. I wondered how Madeline experienced her mother’s pain and what her mother’s experience must have been. Was Theresa too depressed to attend to Madeline’s needs? What was Theresa’s life like after Charles left?

Theresa was far from being cold and unfriendly when I interacted with her in person. Her love for Madeline was unmistakable.

Why did I assume that Theresa was a hostile, uninvolved mother? How could I have been so wrong? How did I get distracted by the skewed perspectives and biased accounts? What was I not listening to or paying attention to? This was an important lesson for me.

I can still remember my mother saying this to me, “A mother’s love is unconditional.” Theresa’s love for Madeline is unconditional.

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There was another girl, Xiuwen, who was constantly in conflict with her parents. I learnt so much by sitting in the room with the entire family. I have had family sessions before but I was anxious being with them since there was so much explosiveness and volatility in their interactions at home. This was one of my more challenging cases and I was unsure of myself, whether I would be able to provide more effective interventions.

I keep reminding myself that I cannot be drawn into the content and the details of what the family constantly dwell on. Instead, I have to “read in between the lines”, to notice the process and meaning of what they are talking about during the session. In Xiuwen’s case, it was her father’s love that I was doubtful about, not her mother’s. There is so much tension between Xiuwen and her father that she wanted her father to be seated furthest away from her in the room. The image of the father's stern face and serious demeanor remained in my memory from the previous session. He did not come across as a warm and pleasant person.

This time, I had a different experience of her father. A poignant moment came when her father recounted an early memory of Xiuwen as a child. I saw how his face lighted up as he was sharing about his joy and pride of Xiuwen’s abilities when she was in pre-school. He smiled cheerfully, laughed heartily as he spoke affectionately about her. Xiuwen was stumped. She never experienced her father this way. Or perhaps she had forgotten this aspect of her father. This was the beginning of changing the interactions with her father and possibly even working towards mending their relationship.

“I think I am like my dad. I am most like him. We like the same funny things.”

For the first time, Xiuwen said something nice about her father and even made an association with him! I was moved, just witnessing the connection between them and the shift in their interactions. This is the wonderful part about having a family session because it was truly a breakthrough for us after the numerous individual sessions with Xiuwen.

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Parents love their children. They all do.

The virtue of perseverance

I have lived in Singapore all my life. I am very accustomed to the city lifestyle, the crowded streets, sardine-packed buses and trains, populated shopping malls and long queues in the public toilets. I am a typical city girl, I guess. City living has its perks, its convenience. However, the downside of such a lifestyle is the difficulty to find a space in my life where I can enjoy peacefulness, serenity and silence.

I used to hang out on Friday evenings at a friend's home. She would prepare a simple, yet sumptuous dinner, followed by a programme of short readings, stories and music selections. I looked forward to these inspirational gatherings which she called "Reflections" because it allowed me to pause and reflect on my life and reconnect with myself. However, in the past months, I have been too caught up with other aspects of my life and I was deprived of the cosy gatherings in her home. Yesterday, I finally made an effort to make my way to her home and I was glad I went there to take some time out for myself. This is what I call "therapist self-care"! Towards the end of the evening, she brought out a familiar stack of virtues cards and laid them out on the table so that we can each pick out a card for reflection. I picked out the virtue of righteousness but that is not the virtue I want to talk about in this blog entry. These virtues cards led me to think about the virtue of perseverance.


My clients come to see me because they experience some difficulties in their lives. More often than not, they are hoping that I will be able to provide a quick fix or solution to their problems or perhaps thinking that I have some magic pill that they can take so that the problems will disappear. At first, my clients may become disappointed and disheartened that the process may take longer than expected. But they soon accept that the journey of life and change takes time with some perseverance and commitment. The virtue of perseverance is an important virtue for everyone to develop because we need it to overcome the obstacles and endure life's hardships and challenges.


"Perseverance is being steadfast and persistent. You commit to your goals and overcome obstacles, no matter how long it takes. When you persevere, you don't give up... You keep going. Like a strong ship in a storm, you don't become battered or blown off course. You just ride the waves."
- Excerpts from the virtues card of "Perseverance", The Virtues Project


Although we wish for an easy life, where we do not have to deal with difficulties, it is by struggling and persevering that we grow and become stronger. Some of my clients' parents tell me that they try their utmost best to provide everything they can for their children so that their children can have an easier life. This is a tough place to be in because in present-day society, most parents are working professionals and they have limited time with their children. Hence, parents tend to over-compensate and try to give anything and everything that their children ask for. Where is the struggling? Where is the hardship? Where is the perseverance?

"As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed." - Vincent Van Gogh

"We should not feel embarrassed by our difficulties, only by our failure to grow anything beautiful from them." - Alain de Botton

When my clients persevere, I am happy for them because I know that they will become emotionally stronger and they will be better equipped to deal with difficulties in the future. My clients are impatient and they want to see change quickly. I have to remind them that the journey is often not smooth and easy. At times, you may trip over little pebbles or rocks. If they are just superficial scratches, just get up and brush away the dirt from your knees and resume your journey. If there is a some injury, attend to the pain, take a rest and recuperate and when you are ready, pick yourself up and continue with your journey. Sometimes, you may benefit from a little help and company. Remember that you can reach out to people around you - family, friends, mentors and various kinds of resources.

If you are experiencing emotional pain or are going through a rough patch in your life, persevere on. You will get through it, and be strengthened through life's ordeals.

"Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realise this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward." - Henry Ford