Parents love their children

“Surely all parents love their children.” One of the teachers said with such conviction.

“Ideally so. But I’m not so sure if that’s true.” I was somewhat skeptical. I hear clients talk about their relationships and interactions with the parents and I sometimes wonder if some parents do not love their children.

“Really? How can that be?” She was convinced that all parents must love their children.

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Madeline’s father is very involved in her life because he is the one who picks her up from school and calls the teachers when she is too ill to go to school. When you observe her father's involvement in her life, you may assume that he is the primary caregiver. However, the relationship between Madeline and her parents is extremely complex. She lives with her mother but where is her mother? Her parents, Theresa and Charles, are divorced. They are so antagonistic with each other and it is immensely difficult to have a conversation with both of them in the same room. From the accounts of the teachers and Charles, I imagined Theresa to be detached and aloof. She seemed to be disinterested in Madeline’s life because it is always Charles who responds to Madeline’s needs in school. Charles did not think Theresa will be keen to meet with me and that it would be a waste of my time to try to engage her.

When I first spoke to Madeline, she told me, “I do not wish to get married.” It is difficult when children witness the marital breakdown of their parents and some of them turn away from the possibility of a marital union for themselves. Hence, I was not surprised by what she said.

She added, “If he leaves me, my world will fall apart.”

“Whose world fell apart?”

“My mother’s.”

My heart broke when I heard that. I wondered how Madeline experienced her mother’s pain and what her mother’s experience must have been. Was Theresa too depressed to attend to Madeline’s needs? What was Theresa’s life like after Charles left?

Theresa was far from being cold and unfriendly when I interacted with her in person. Her love for Madeline was unmistakable.

Why did I assume that Theresa was a hostile, uninvolved mother? How could I have been so wrong? How did I get distracted by the skewed perspectives and biased accounts? What was I not listening to or paying attention to? This was an important lesson for me.

I can still remember my mother saying this to me, “A mother’s love is unconditional.” Theresa’s love for Madeline is unconditional.

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There was another girl, Xiuwen, who was constantly in conflict with her parents. I learnt so much by sitting in the room with the entire family. I have had family sessions before but I was anxious being with them since there was so much explosiveness and volatility in their interactions at home. This was one of my more challenging cases and I was unsure of myself, whether I would be able to provide more effective interventions.

I keep reminding myself that I cannot be drawn into the content and the details of what the family constantly dwell on. Instead, I have to “read in between the lines”, to notice the process and meaning of what they are talking about during the session. In Xiuwen’s case, it was her father’s love that I was doubtful about, not her mother’s. There is so much tension between Xiuwen and her father that she wanted her father to be seated furthest away from her in the room. The image of the father's stern face and serious demeanor remained in my memory from the previous session. He did not come across as a warm and pleasant person.

This time, I had a different experience of her father. A poignant moment came when her father recounted an early memory of Xiuwen as a child. I saw how his face lighted up as he was sharing about his joy and pride of Xiuwen’s abilities when she was in pre-school. He smiled cheerfully, laughed heartily as he spoke affectionately about her. Xiuwen was stumped. She never experienced her father this way. Or perhaps she had forgotten this aspect of her father. This was the beginning of changing the interactions with her father and possibly even working towards mending their relationship.

“I think I am like my dad. I am most like him. We like the same funny things.”

For the first time, Xiuwen said something nice about her father and even made an association with him! I was moved, just witnessing the connection between them and the shift in their interactions. This is the wonderful part about having a family session because it was truly a breakthrough for us after the numerous individual sessions with Xiuwen.

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Parents love their children. They all do.