The voice of an adolescent

It has been a while since I have run therapy groups. It is quite unheard of in this part of the world and clients often find it anxiety-provoking to share their thoughts and feelings within a group setting. Actually I feel that this is probably not very different from the hesitations and inhibitions of people from other countries as well. Generally, once a certain level of safety and trust is established, the group will feel more comfortable about sharing and engaging others within the group.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to set up such groups among the girls I am working with. I did not call it a therapy group because that is too foreign and I felt that for a start, a slightly more semi-structured approach will fit better. Anyway, I am not about to launch into a full-length essay and discussion about what a therapy group entails. Instead, I would like to dwell on some of my thoughts about my attempts to help these 15 year-olds have a voice, and let their voice be heard.

While I was preparing for this group, I came across a powerful quote:

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” – Harvey Fierstein

I sat in the groups (I ran two groups, with seven girls each) and listened to their struggles. I realised that it is extremely difficult for them to find their voice and how they would like to define themselves. As they search out the meaning of their lives, to discover what they truly desire for themselves, they are bombarded by the voices of adults - through their parents, relatives, teachers, politicians, various other adults and even the media and numerous propaganda. I say "bombarded" because these voices are really loud, significant, distracting and possibly even jarring at times. The girls become confused and wonder if they can really be the person they choose to be. Do they have a choice? Do they have a say?

As adults, we think we know better. We think we know what is best for these young ladies. Besides, we have a wider range of lived experiences so we would be in a much better position to give sound advices (or so we think). We think that it is our responsibility as the custodians of their lives, to guide them to a bright and promising future where they will be successful and well-accomplished individuals in society. As parents, we tend to expect a lot from our children. Many parents unknowingly and unwittingly impose their hopes, wishes, dreams, desires and aspirations on their children. They want their children to tread on territories which they have never been before and attain remarkable and spectacular achievements which they failed to accomplish as a child. We think that by setting the bar as high as possible, we may be able to stretch them to their fullest potential and be exceptional in anything and everything.


The question is, "How realistic are our expectations?" How much of what we do as adults is really a tussle with our own anxieties? If the adolescent does not do well, we may be seen as a parent who has failed, a lousy teacher, an irresponsible adult who did not do what we should do or can do.

At the end of the day, each of us is and can only be responsible for our own lives. By the time the child becomes an adolescent, she (also applicable to "he") needs to develop the skills required as an adult to learn to make her own decisions and decide what she desires for herself and how she wants to live her life. We are here to support and encourage her in her journey of discovery and adventure of life. We are here to facilitate the process, to show her the options and the possibilities. Not to restrict her, nor to stifle her, nor to tell her what to do.

Let us now take the time to listen to the voices of our adolescents, rather than to have them repeat after us.

The birthright of a child

The past week has been a time of adjustment for me, trying out different travelling routes to work and establishing a new routine for my daily commuting ritual. This was a perfect reason, or excuse (sheepish look) I used to take a break from my regular runs. This evening, I finally conquered my procrastination and went for my long-overdue run. To my clients and former clients who are reading this, yes, I suffer from the "disease" of procrastination from time to time as well! Looks like we have something in common!

During my run this evening, I listened to a recording of one of David Whyte's workshops on my iPod nano. David Whyte is a faithful companion of mine on my runs and great company too. Below is a small segment of his workshop:

"...one of the marvelous thing about children is they're made to be loved and appreciated. And a child only thinks something is wrong in the world when they are not loved. And the child looking for appreciation and love and to feel special, that's the birthright of a child. To feel as if they're seen and held and understood as this particular form of incarnation, which is not found anywhere else. And if the child can't get it in their own family, they'll get it from a neighbour, they'll get it from a person they just see once a day that they get a kind word from, they'll get it from a teacher. A child is hungry to be loved and to be seen...

You could say that for a human being, it's so natural to us in our growing that when you are feeling unloved, you could say that you are not quite feeling yourself. You are not quite feeling what you are actually born with as a natural faculty."

The other day, I read through some of the case notes to have a better understanding of the background of some of the cases which I will be handling. I found myself reaching for tissue paper a few times when I read about the amount of pain some of them had to carry with them through the innocence of their childhood. I also thought about some of my former clients who grew up feeling unloved by their parents.

The subjective experience of feeling unloved as a child is crucial, whether or not he or she was in actual fact unloved is a completely different matter. As a result of this pain, the child attempts to please the parents in hope for some remote hint of affection to reduce the feeling of being unloved, or strive to do well with the desire of receiving some form of affirmation to boost the positive sense of self. It tends to become a pattern in other relationships where the child becomes fearful of rejection and abandonment, highly critical of self, and doubtful that there is anything lovable about himself or herself.

If the birthright of a child is to be loved, what happens if the birthright is not fulfilled?

We cannot go back in time to alter the interactions between the parents and the child. Besides, the child is now grown up and has a deep emotional memory of the hurt of not being loved. You have now grown up, with the deep emotional memory of the hurt of not being loved etched in your heart.

The process of picking up the pieces of your broken self and mending your broken heart is going to take time. Rather than trying to find someone to love you for who you are, you will have to first learn to love yourself. When you are able to love yourself and accept your own shortcomings and see the goodness within you, you give yourself the permission to be loved and in turn, to be able to love another for who they are.

The courage to live out our dreams

During the recent school holidays, I went to Universal Studios with my sons. I am not a big fan of roller coaster rides - I concluded from a very early time in my life that I am not courageous enough to subject myself to the heart-pumping speeds or the heart-stopping freefall feeling. I am glad that my older son, Junnoske, does not take after me in that regard. He wanted to ride on a junior roller coaster and that meant I had to accompany him on the ride. I went on it and was screaming my lungs out, half amused at the sounds of Junnoske's laughter beside me, clearly enjoying himself.

I may never have the courage to go on the Battlestar Galactica ('the' roller coaster in Universal Studios Singapore), nor bungee-jump, nor parachute off thousands of miles. Neither would many of us. But there is one form of courage that we need in life, which is to have the courage to live out our dreams.

We hear of stories of courage of great people and even simple folks through the news, read them in autobiographies, self-help books, fictional stories of heroes or heroines, attend organisation-sponsored talks and workshops by highly-paid speakers and facilitators and so on. Of course for those who have become jaded in the world will be untouched by such courage and will express their cynicism overtly or covertly. For the rest of us, we are likely to be touched, moved, inspired, motivated and the desire to act and do something is stirred up within us.

However, what I have noticed is that this spark that is ignited is often just a momentary one, one that glows a little, fades off for a bit and brightens yet again for a brief period before it finally disappears. It is usually unlikely that the flicker of light develops into a sustainable flame or fire to warm up the eagerness and enthusiasm to carry through something deep within you, something which you long to be able to embark on and fulfill in your life. I wonder why it is so challenging, so demanding. Is it because the story was not inspiring enough? Is it because the speaker is not charismatic enough? Is it because we do not believe we will ever be able to accomplish something big in our lives?

I feel that the inertia comes mostly from within, whatever reason or excuse you may have. Outwardly, life seems to beckon us, whether it is the homework that needs to be completed, the household chores that cannot be left till tomorrow or the enormous amount of work that our boss has piled up on our desk. We pay attention to a certain part of our lives, tending to the mundane daily requirements and missing the big picture of our lives. I will probably dwell a little more on this theme in another blog entry. But for now, take a little time to reflect on your life, your dreams, your aspirations, your longings and yearnings. Who do you want to be? What do you want to achieve? Where do you want to be? Whom would you like to have beside you on this journey?

Take the first step and embark on this wonderful and beautiful journey of the life that you dreamed it to be.

I'll end this with a passage from David Whyte, a poet whom I have great admiration for:

‎"It sets one to dream, to think about being called out to greater things..., but at the end of it all, when we put any book down, no matter how inspiring, we are left facing ourselves in the mirror and the need to get up each morning, walk out the door and live our own lives." - David Whyte, "The Three Marriages"