The voice of an adolescent

It has been a while since I have run therapy groups. It is quite unheard of in this part of the world and clients often find it anxiety-provoking to share their thoughts and feelings within a group setting. Actually I feel that this is probably not very different from the hesitations and inhibitions of people from other countries as well. Generally, once a certain level of safety and trust is established, the group will feel more comfortable about sharing and engaging others within the group.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to set up such groups among the girls I am working with. I did not call it a therapy group because that is too foreign and I felt that for a start, a slightly more semi-structured approach will fit better. Anyway, I am not about to launch into a full-length essay and discussion about what a therapy group entails. Instead, I would like to dwell on some of my thoughts about my attempts to help these 15 year-olds have a voice, and let their voice be heard.

While I was preparing for this group, I came across a powerful quote:

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” – Harvey Fierstein

I sat in the groups (I ran two groups, with seven girls each) and listened to their struggles. I realised that it is extremely difficult for them to find their voice and how they would like to define themselves. As they search out the meaning of their lives, to discover what they truly desire for themselves, they are bombarded by the voices of adults - through their parents, relatives, teachers, politicians, various other adults and even the media and numerous propaganda. I say "bombarded" because these voices are really loud, significant, distracting and possibly even jarring at times. The girls become confused and wonder if they can really be the person they choose to be. Do they have a choice? Do they have a say?

As adults, we think we know better. We think we know what is best for these young ladies. Besides, we have a wider range of lived experiences so we would be in a much better position to give sound advices (or so we think). We think that it is our responsibility as the custodians of their lives, to guide them to a bright and promising future where they will be successful and well-accomplished individuals in society. As parents, we tend to expect a lot from our children. Many parents unknowingly and unwittingly impose their hopes, wishes, dreams, desires and aspirations on their children. They want their children to tread on territories which they have never been before and attain remarkable and spectacular achievements which they failed to accomplish as a child. We think that by setting the bar as high as possible, we may be able to stretch them to their fullest potential and be exceptional in anything and everything.


The question is, "How realistic are our expectations?" How much of what we do as adults is really a tussle with our own anxieties? If the adolescent does not do well, we may be seen as a parent who has failed, a lousy teacher, an irresponsible adult who did not do what we should do or can do.

At the end of the day, each of us is and can only be responsible for our own lives. By the time the child becomes an adolescent, she (also applicable to "he") needs to develop the skills required as an adult to learn to make her own decisions and decide what she desires for herself and how she wants to live her life. We are here to support and encourage her in her journey of discovery and adventure of life. We are here to facilitate the process, to show her the options and the possibilities. Not to restrict her, nor to stifle her, nor to tell her what to do.

Let us now take the time to listen to the voices of our adolescents, rather than to have them repeat after us.