Saturday, December 29, 2012

Of endings… and beginnings

As the year 2012 is coming to an end, I am sad to say that the life of my Newton running shoes has also come to an end. I decided that it was time to decommission it after I completed my fourth marathon on 2nd December. The problem is that I am quite reluctant to throw the shoes away because I am feeling kind of sentimental about them and they embody some kind of symbolic meaning and significance to a certain part of my life. Since I cannot frame the shoes up and preserve it in some way, perhaps I can write about it and in a way, pay tribute to this pair of inanimate objects.

For those who know my relationship with long-distance running, you will know that I attribute it to the lucky draw win in 2011 which gave me the opportunity to run my first marathon in Los Angeles. The other lucky draw winner was Azmi, who is coincidentally the same age as me. Besides the two of us, Melvin flew to LA to run the marathon as well as he was supposed to write an article about his experience in the Men’s Health magazine. How cool is that! This was how I made two new friends and they were fantastic company during the trip. Thankfully for Facebook, we are still in touch. Before the marathon, we went to the LA Marathon Expo, which was near Dodger Stadium (baseball fans will be most familiar with this). This is very similar to where you would go to when you would like to collect your race pack. Those who have participated in the major running events, you will know what I mean. At the collection venue, there are usually other booths set up where you can purchase running gears, shoes and other sports- and fitness-related items. The ones we have in Singapore are nothing like the LA Marathon Expo. Well, Singapore has a space constraint so I guess that is understandable. I am just amazed by the vast area where the LA Marathon Expo was held. It was like a carnival, an outdoor one. It was in March, which was the beginning of springtime, so the weather in LA was pleasant and cool.

It was at this Expo that I saw the booth selling Newton running shoes. At that time, Newton running shoes were not sold in Singapore and I thought I would take a look since one of my friends told me that their running shoes are pretty good. No harm taking a look, I thought. After asking a couple of questions, the salesgirl recommended me a pair to try. As mentioned in the earlier paragraph, there was a lot of space at the Expo so when the salesgirl let me try the shoes, she did not mean “put it on and take a walk around”. There was ample space for me to jog around and even do short sprints to experience running in those shoes. I was having fun running around like a small child and I was not even perspiring because the weather was simply fantastic. When I was done trying on the shoes, I went back to the salesgirl and told her that the shoes were very comfortable and asked what other colours they had. The shoes only came in one colour – orange. I am not an orange person. I am a pastel colours person. Pink, baby blue, lavender, peach… but no, not orange. Azmi thought I should buy them since it was a good bargain.

Did I really want to be seen running in orange-coloured shoes? Girls are vain, I must admit it. We are sometimes more concerned about how nice it looks rather than the functionality or quality of the item or equipment. Shoes take up space in the suitcase. After my LA trip, I was flying to Washington DC to attend the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium and I was planning to buy a lot of books. Buying that pair of shoes would mean reduced luggage space for the books. More importantly, am I going to continue running after the marathon? Will I use those shoes when I return to Singapore? Such trivial issues, just because I could not decide whether or not to buy the shoes.

Eventually, I bought the Newton running shoes. My first pair of orange-coloured shoes. This was the story of the shoes, its beginnings, and how it defined my relationship with long-distance running. I could have stopped running marathons after that lucky draw win. I could have stopped running. But I continued.

With these pair of Newton running shoes, I completed one half-marathon (Sundown Marathon 2011) and three marathons (Standard Chartered Marathon 2011, Sundown Marathon 2012 and Standard Chartered Marathon 2012). They have served me well.

Endings do not necessarily mean the end. Endings provide an opportunity for new beginnings. Perhaps we can even call it continuity. We are fast approaching the new year and some of you may be making your customary new year resolutions in hope for a fresh start for 2013. During this period of time, it is likely that you will review how 2012 has been for you. What are the endings for 2012 and what are the beginnings for 2013? What will you continue from 2012 to 2013? It may not be advisable to keep doing the same thing because no change may lead to stagnation and that is probably not a very good thing. So, how will 2013 be different for you? How will 2013 be better for you?

I did not fly to LA to buy another pair of Newton running shoes to replace my old ones. Now, they are sold in Singapore and I have already bought myself a new pair. Newton is a strange brand. They do not make shoes in varying colours. Each model comes in a unique combination of colours. Believe me, they are all in bright, loud and striking colours. Hence, no prizes for guessing the colour of my new pair of Newton running shoes.

Orange.

I will be running in 2013.

Perhaps another marathon.

*Below are earlier blog entries, which are related to running and taking care of our physical body.
"Run, Forrest, run"
"The house of the soul"

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Hector's adventures

I love books - buying books. In fact, I have quite a large collection of books at home, in my study and in my office. I must admit that I buy books faster than I can finish reading them. My older son is a much more accomplished reader - the number of books that he reads simply amazes me. I am impressed by his interest in books. In a way, he motivates me to read the many books that I own.

There are not many bookstores in Singapore so my options for places to browse for books are not very many. In fact, it is more likely to find me buried in books in Kinokuniya than shopping for dresses and accessories. About two years' ago, I picked up a couple of books in Kinokuniya and stood in line, waiting for my turn to be served by the illustrious-looking staff. The queue was quite long as the store was having one of her ever-so-often 20% discount offers for their rather over-priced books. I tried to entertain myself by observing the people streaming into the store, eagerly selecting books that they probably will not have time to read. But you know how consumerism is - discount offers means you have to buy something!

There was a bookshelf strategically placed on my right with recommended novels, a little like the shelves of candies and chocolates, which are located just at the checkout counters in a supermarket. I quickly scanned through the shelves of books and there was a book that immediately caught my eye. Have you ever had the experience of shopping and a particular item grabs your attention, as if it's crying out to you "Buy me!"? The men who are reading this are probably already rolling their eyes up and thinking to themselves, “That only happens to women”. Anyhow, I am not in a debate about gender differences here, but I am pretty sure that this happens to many of us, perhaps not all, but definitely to some. This thin paperback novel sat snuggly in between some other chunkier-looking novels, just about my eye-level, which is not very high, considering my height (or lack of!).

Hector and the search for happiness. I am usually sceptical about such titles. What is happiness anyway? Can anybody really define it? There are many books authored by people who think they have the key to happiness but I am certainly not convinced. However, at that point in time, I could not resist the colourful title and a cute little cartoon of Hector carrying a bunch of balloons. I reached out to take a look at the book from where I was standing in the queue and read, “Once upon a time there was a young psychiatrist called Hector who was not very satisfied with himself… And so he decided to take a trip around the world, and everywhere he went he would try to understand what made people happy or unhappy.”

As the queue was moving steadily, I had to think on my feet, literally, “To buy, or not to buy”. Clearly, you know what my decision was.

That was the beginning of my journey with Hector. I read the second book “Hector and the secrets of love”. Then, I read the third book “Hector finds time”. The third book is my all-time favourite because time afflicts all. In the pessimistic sense, we are all at the mercy of time – we can neither make it go faster nor slow it down. We can only decide how we want to spend the time but once it is gone, we cannot retrieve it. I realised that as I grow older, I am more careful with my time, how I make use of it, what I do with it and whom I share it with. In the novel, Hector described life as a roll of fabric. When you are younger, the fabric seems like an endless roll and you can make countless numbers of outfits. There will come a time in your life when you will realise that the roll of fabric is finite and you have to be more cautious about how you use the fabric and be more particular about the types of outfits you choose to make.

It was my birthday last Saturday – the time of the year again. Since I reached my mid-thirties last year, I became more aware that my roll of fabric has an end. I looked back at the year and examined the outfits I have made. It is like doing an annual work review except that this time, I am the boss, scrutinising various aspects of life in the past year. I seem to have accomplished quite a lot and made a number of achievements during the course of the year as well. “There will always be room for improvement”, says the perfectionist part of me. But for the most part of it, I am rather pleased with myself.

I recalled the last two lines of a blog entry I wrote a year ago:

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

I am going to make the life in my years count.


I feel that the quote is a really useful and helpful mantra to make sure that I am mindful of how I live my life. When we become busy and consumed by a-thousand-and-one things to do, it is easy to lose sight of the important things that matter in our lives.

A year has gone by so quickly. Did my life in that year count? I have done a lot but did it count? It is interesting to reflect on my life in this way because it does not imply that doing a lot is doing something meaningful. It does not mean that those acts and activities influence and affect others in a positive way. I cannot be certain unless I survey all the people who have crossed my path to obtain some kind of feedback. However, real life does not quite work this way so I can only try my best and intuitively sense reactions from the people around me to gauge how I am doing.

I shall conclude this blog entry by showing appreciation to my choir friends from ONE. If you have been following my posts, you will notice that I mention the choir every now and then. They have become a significant part of my life since I joined them in April last year. When you spend a couple of hours every Saturday with the same group of people, they start to grow on you. In some unfortunate cases, the interactions become tense and estranged. But such negativity is certainly not the case with ONE. They are like my extended family members. On my good days, they are a fun-loving bunch of people who have a superb sense of humour whose company meant loads of laughter, jokes and enthusiastic spontaneity. On my lousy days, I receive concerned text messages, encouraging remarks, comforting hugs and just pure company to get me through bad times.

This year, I had the most special birthday celebration with my choir friends. It was just meant to be a casual dinner with some of them after the usual Saturday practice. But the casual gathering became a larger gathering – thanks to Facebook’s notifications, many of them were prompted that it was my birthday and they joined in to have dinner together. I am not into elaborate birthday parties so I was happy to enjoy their company for the evening.

We were in the restaurant for some time and I noticed that a queue was forming outside so I asked for the bill. This was when they surprised me by singing the birthday song as the waiter brought the cake with a lighted candle. My face reddened with embarrassment because there were so many people, yet at the same time, I felt touched and moved. I felt loved. I felt enormously thankful for their presence in my life. The best part about having a birthday song sang by choir friends is that you know for sure that the song will be in tune. In fact, they even sung it in harmony and did a rendition in Mandarin as well! How cool is that!

For the coming year, I would like to continue to make my life in years count. I would like to make it count by showing kindness to people around me because this is the one chance in my life to do so.

“I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.” – William Penn

Monday, August 27, 2012


Recently, I learnt a new Japanese song entitled “” which means “lie”. It is not always easy to sing foreign language songs because even I do not understand the language. This particular song has a beautiful and sad tune, understandably so, as you can infer from the title. One of my friends who understands the language shared the meaning of the song and I thought about three stories which revolve around the theme of lies: the daughter who lied to her parents; the husband who lied to his wife; and the friend who lied.

Lying is a very strong word and we may call the person who lies, a “liar”. I do not like to label a person and call him names so I prefer not to use such terms to describe people. Instead, I thought about the importance of truthfulness and what happens when someone is not truthful. What does that say about the person? What does that mean to the relationship?

The daughter who lied

Mrs Ong requested to see me one afternoon regarding her daughter, Sally. The family was going through a crisis because they recently discovered several things about Sally, which they never knew. When Sally first came to see me, she shared that she was not close with her family and found it difficult to talk to them about her struggles and difficulties. She kept to herself and confided in a handful of very close friends.

I was on my way back to my office when I saw Mrs Ong conversing with a teacher outside my office. Mrs Ong clarified the school schedule and asked what time the students will be dismissed from school on certain days. I suspected that she had doubts about what Sally told her whenever she had to stay back in school. What was Sally doing and who was she with?

Mrs Ong’s voice quivered as she spoke, “I am not sure if I can believe her.” The tears welled up in her eyes but she did not cry. I could see the pain in her eyes, as if they were asking why Sally had to lie to her and what she may be hiding from them. She had a lot of questions in her mind and she did not know where to start. The parents showed me what they found from her text messages and notes, hoping for some answers about what Sally was really going through. I am uncertain myself, how truthful Sally will be with her parents, or even me. However, they are some positive signs of change – they had a conversation with each other the other evening, the first in a very long time. Sally may not be absolutely truthful every now and then, but once she begins to trust her parents, she will no longer need to resort to lying.

The husband who lied

Four years ago, Diane and Kevin came to see me because Kevin was unfaithful in their marital relationship. Diane was deeply hurt by the betrayal and she wanted “out”. Kevin was still very much in love with Diane and he blamed himself for “straying”. He wanted me to help them mend their relationship. When you lose the trust, it is very difficult to heal the hurt, which the betrayal has caused. In many cases, the marriage is almost impossible to fix and even if the couple stays together, it will be incredibly challenging to rebuild that trust again.

Incidentally, Diane and Kevin decided to give their marriage another try. They stopped seeing me after Kevin changed jobs because he was too busy to make time to see me. By then, Diane stopped coming as well and I wondered how things were between both of them. They had other issues, which they had to address as well but we never got around to deal with them.

One day, Diane contacted me again and asked if she can see me again. When you stop seeing clients for some time, they have to take time to fill you in on how life has been in the years in between. Diane seemed to have grown stronger emotionally over the years and I was happy for her. She found a job and was doing very well. This was a definite boost to her self-esteem and she enjoyed what she was doing. She also made several friends and continued to have a close bond with her family. She was a self-assured, confident lady, different from the Diane I knew then. She told me that she decided to stay in the marriage and was able to trust Kevin again. But the relationship was not heading anywhere. She changed but Kevin has not and the marriage has not. She was unhappy and she knew that she did not want to be in such a lifeless marriage.

Diane showed me evidences of his possible infidelity and her trust wavered again. I asked her if she needed a reason to leave the marriage. She went through so much pain previously. Does she have to go through it again? Does she really have to know the truth?

Does she not know what she wants to do, what she needs to do?

The friend who lied

“I am not that type of person. I have nothing to hide.” That is Wayne. Or rather, who he says he is.

For a very long time, Nadya believed what he told her because she was certain that Wayne was truthful and she wanted to believe Wayne. He often reassured her, “I regard you as a very good friend.” Good friends do not lie to each other. Good friendship is based on trust. If there is no trust, there is no friendship to talk about.

Over time, Nadya's gut feel told her that Wayne was no longer as truthful as he claimed to be. She noted the incoherence and incongruence. She knew deep down inside from that time on, the friendship was marred with lies and deceit. And that was a very painful and hurtful discovery. After some time, She finally revealed to Wayne that She knew that he has stopped being truthful to her. He felt very ashamed of himself. In fact, not only was he not truthful to her, he was the same with his friends.

If she were a true friend, does she deserve to be lied to time and time again? If he were a true friend, wouldn’t he have the courage to be truthful even if it is difficult? What is he fearful of to be real, genuine and authentic to the people who are close to him? What does this say about Wayne as a person?

Will Nadya be able to trust Wayne again? Is this friendship worth keeping?

“People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Truthfulness is the foundation of all human virtues.” – ‘Abdu’l-Bahá

Saturday, June 23, 2012

The human voice

"Food doesn't tempt you. Shopping doesn't tempt you. Then what tempts you?" Shermaine asked me.

"I am a very emotional person. I get tempted by emotions. Anything that moves me."

Shermaine's question set me thinking - what really tempts me? It is quite a strange question because food and shopping seem to be common preoccupations for fellow Singaporeans. However, it does not really interest me very much. As I ponder a little more, I came to realise that singing in a choir tempts me.

My relationship with singing goes a long way back to the time when I was a child. No, I never took voice classes nor was I a prodigy singer. I recall my mother singing lullabies to my sister when she was a baby. I am sure she sang them to me when I was a baby but I do not have that in my conscious memory. Nevertheless, I remember many songs, nursery rhymes and the sound of my mother's voice throughout my childhood years. Although my mother is not one who expresses her love and affection openly, I can certainly sense it from her actions and the soothing tone of her voice when she sings. That is how singing connects to me - it keeps me feeling warm and fuzzy, and very much close to home.

When I was fourteen, I joined the school choir and discovered my love for choral singing. First of all, I am thankful that I have a gift and talent in singing and this has given me an opportunity to use this part of myself to produce music. The special thing about the human voice is that, it is a part of each and everyone of us. I bring this voice, this instrument, everywhere I go. Of course I can sing as a soloist, which I do from time to time. But I much prefer to do so with a group of singers.

There is no voice that is completely identical, maybe similar, but each one is different, distinct and unique. The tone and quality belongs to the person who owns the voice and has the characteristic of his or her personality. We can try to imitate or emulate another person but that will no longer be ours and will not be representative of who we are. The special thing about singing in a choir is the bringing together of many individual voices to create music.

After I graduated from University, I took a hiatus from the choral scene due to work commitments and devoting my time to caring for my children as a young mother. I was fairly out of touch with singing as a chorister but I knew that deep down inside, I was itching to sing in a choir. A year ago, Dawn, a lovely friend of mine, gently nudged me to audition to sing in ONE, a choir which she actively sang in. I was tempted. I was tempted for some time after hearing them sing at a concert the previous year. I did not take too long to contemplate about it and soon, I found myself singing regularly with the choir on Saturday afternoons.


This summer, I travelled to Portugal to perform with ONE and gained several insights about choral singing. We did not always have proper venues for our practices so we would sing in the park or in random public spaces. Of course, this attracted attention from passers-by and sometimes, they would stop and listen, perhaps mistakenly thinking that we were performing for them. At the end of each song, we would be encouraged by their applause. I realised that there is no performance without an audience - this is our symbiotic relationship. There is no such thing as an audience if there is no show to watch!

"The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance." - Aristotle

The next question that came to mind was - what constitutes a good performance? Is it a choral piece which is made up of complex harmonies and sophisticated rhythms? Is it done by trained singers, led by a reputable conductor? Sure, these will produce excellent music and possibly a perfect performance but a good performance must have heart. A good performance must have soul. Without which, a choir will not be able to reach out to the audience and they will not be moved. The audience will experience "eargasm" without feeling or emotion.

How is a choir supposed to have that heart and soul?

The choir must exists as a single entity. Neither the members nor the conductor can be individualistic or self-centred. I recognise that we are each unique and different individuals but when we sing, that musical mosaic must demonstrate a tapestry of music which reflects our love for one another and our relationship as a choir. There must be mutual trust and respect. This way, the choir will have a life of its own, with a heart and a soul.

The choir is very human. We have good days and bad days. There are times when we feel good about ourselves, when we are in high spirits, when we feel connected with one another - then we sing well, we are able to bring joy to the audience, they can feel the music. They will become inspired. When we are feeling under the weather, out of sorts, unhappy and disconnected, the audience will sense the dissonance. They will not be moved. Where music is concerned, I feel that one has to be passionate but not tensed. Tension will prevent the music from flowing and the sound will come out too hard or perhaps, even overbearing. Being too self-critical and having self-doubt or too high expectations of oneself are likely to create that tension in your voice and these aspects of yourself may hold back the music in you which you would like to convey to the world.

Good music is not about perfection but about true sincerity. That is what the audience want to experience - a heartfelt, sincere performance.

"Live to create love, art, music, peace and poetry. Bring to the world what no one else has and find passion in it." - Robert Tew

[This piece of writing is dedicated to my fellow choristers in ONE and of course our choral director, Ms Lim Ai Hooi. The music from the choir has touched me and the sincerity of each individual member has moved me. I must say that the past year with ONE has been an enriching and life-changing period of my life and the trip to Portugal is certainly a highlight of my life. Thank you to each and everyone of you!]

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The misunderstood


I cannot tolerate injustice and will try ways and means to fight for those who have no voice or are in a position in which they have no way of standing up for their rights. Of course this often got me into a lot of trouble because the people I stood up against were usually the people in power and the probability of winning is very slim. I did it anyway, almost like hitting my head against the wall, or bulldozing my way through, like some headstrong (and possibly, quite senseless) fanatic. After several knocks and bruises, nowadays, I am a little more subdued and measured in my bulldozing endeavours, which is probably a good thing - keeps my energy and anger in check!

Now that I work in a school setting, the type of dynamics played out are very different. I would see the tension between the teachers and the students, the bullying among students and so on. Interestingly, I have also shifted in terms of how I perceive the various groups of people. I no longer see one group as the "bad" and another group as the "good", nor either being more right than the other. I realised that everybody has their side of the story to tell and no one is more wrong than the other. In addition, because of the interactions at play, one person's behaviour is very likely to induce a reaction from the other. That person will then respond in the way that they know best, because that is how they live their lives and how they feel about themselves as well as how they experience the other person's behaviour.

What tends to happen in a school environment is that "troublemakers" are very quickly identified. They are the menace of the class, the ones who are disruptive during lessons, the ones who sow discord among classmates and the ones whom nobody likes. They are the unpopular, the outcast, the centre of recess gossips and the "public enemy". We pay attention at "persecuting" them and making sure that they understand the consequences of their actions. We also make them feel guilty for how much hurt and harm they have caused to other teachers and students.

The question is, "Who empathises with the troublemakers?"

No one really. No one feels they deserve any form of empathy and understanding because people who are rotten at the core does not deserve sympathy in any way. Perhaps this is the harsh reality they are faced with. Since the world turns its back on them, they continue to lash out and act out. No one cares anyway.

One of these troublemakers, Sue, told me, "I am the most unpopular in class. No one is more unpopular than me, even ants, spiders, lizards and cockroaches. Oh wait... I think except cockroaches. Nobody likes cockroaches so I guess I am more popular than the cockroaches."

I felt sad to hear Sue compare her self-worth to that of a cockroach. After that exclamation, she laughed it off saying that it is really no big deal and that she is used to the way others treat her. Sue is familiar to the feeling of being shunned by her peers. She is not quite sure why this happens but she knows people do not like her very much. I noticed the pain in her eyes as she shifted her gaze to the floor and she paused for a while without saying a word.

The other day, her teacher asked, "Did Sue see you? How did the session go?"

"She came. I asked her to come with two friends next time. I hope that her friends can share about how they experience her and maybe this can provide her with some helpful feedback."

"Friends? I don't think Sue has any friends."

I felt a sense of heaviness in my heart when I heard the teacher say that. The odds are against Sue and others hold her in such disdain and skepticism that there can be anything positive or good about Sue. When Sue first came to see me at the beginning of the year, I got a glimpse of the difficulties she has to deal with at home. Her father is physically and verbally abusive and she has to protect her helpless younger brother. Her heart is filled with anger towards her father and she takes the stance of an aggressor to wrestle with her father and outwit him in numerous ways. She has to behave and act the way she did for her own survival and sanity. The home is a tough place to be in. Unfortunately, she is harsh and antagonistic outside home as well. She does not know any other way to live her life or be in the world with others.

I have a great amount of empathy for the misunderstood because I know that very few people see the goodness and positives in them. Not many will believe that they have the potential to grow and develop as a person. The other area is to connect with the pain they experience and help them process and make sense of their pain.

At the very core of who they are as a person, they are human beings who have feelings, who experience hurt and pain, who yearn to love and be loved, who desire connection and to be accepted for who they are.

Are we ready to reach out to them, to try to understand and appreciate their lives through their lens, to put ourselves in their shoes? Are we prepared to treat them with kindness and forgiveness and relate to them with compassion?

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.” - Paulo Coelho

Friday, May 4, 2012

Hear it from a fellow traveller

Here is a link to an interview with me, featured on breathe.sg entitled “Hear it from a fellow traveller”. Breathe.sg is an online youth portal created by the Health Promotion Board as part of their 2012 Youth Mental Resilience campaign.

(Taken from breathe.sg feature)


You may not know her name, but Michelle Koay is one of those everyday heroes who found their calling in helping people who are struggling with school work, family, or life in general.

Being a great listener has helped her work as counsellor and she's been able to help many young people surpass their emotional obstacles.

She was very happy to meet us to discuss her experiences, which she also shares on her blog, on her Twitter, and on her Facebook.

1. How did you become a counsellor?

Actually, I started out my career as an engineer. After spending 6 years as an engineer, I felt that I preferred working with people than with machines. I pursued a post-graduate degree in Master of Social Science (Counselling) which allowed me to switch fields to counselling. During my first job as a counsellor in the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) Counselling Centre, my clients were mainly young men serving their National Service and both male and female SAF regulars. Last July, I made a dramatic switch from working in a military setting to working with adolescent girls in a school setting when I joined Raffles Girls School.

2. What are some of your day-to-day activities?

Since RGS is a school, my day-to-day activities vary according to the school schedule. What is nice about working here is that we are like a family and I interact with the students and teachers during assembly, in the canteen, along the corridor and just about anywhere around the school.

During the normal school term, girls may walk-in to talk to me about their issues or I may see them based on their scheduled appointments. Sometimes, groups of girls will have conversations with me about ideas and opinions concerning some research assignments or community projects in which they are involved. Of course, teachers also drop by from time-to-time to discuss their students' issues.

3. What does your job consist of exactly?

My job mainly consists of listening and talking to the girls and working through their issues. The girls who see me may be troubled or overwhelmed with various types of stresses: academic, relationships with friends and family, personal struggles and so on.

4. How would you define your role as counsellor?

I call myself a fellow traveller because I journey alongside the people I work with. I don't see myself as an expert, as someone who knows everything about life. In a way, I'm sort of a facilitator, I don't lead or follow, but I help them in their journey so that during the process, they can build their own strengths and eventually be on their own.

5. What part of the job do you find most rewarding?

The most rewarding part of my job is to be able to connect with people at a very deep level. My job is very interesting and enriching and there is never a dull moment because no one person is the same - each story is unique and different. In fact, my job does not feel like work and I look forward to learning something new about others and myself every day.

6. Do you have any memorable anecdotes to share?

One of the students was referred for counselling because of a disciplinary case in school. She was extremely distressed because her friends and teachers lost trust in her. It was difficult for her to reach out to her parents for support because she felt ignored and unloved by her parents. She felt that her parents paid more attention to her younger brother who was not doing well in school and was often showered with gifts and rewards if he made any progress or had any academic achievements. She studied very hard and did very well in school but she did not get the recognition and affirmation she hoped for from her parents. For a long period of time, she felt very isolated from her peers as well as her family and that made her very unhappy.

Over time, she slowly re-built the trust and friendship with her peers. In fact, she realised that her friends had already forgiven her and what she needed to do was to forgive herself and stop berating herself for what she did. At the end of last year, she decided to try to improve the relationship with her parents so she took the courage to initiate a conversation with them. She shared with her parents how she had been feeling and the difficulties she was experiencing. What was remarkable was that her parents did not brush her off and negate her experiences. Instead, they listened intently and were open to what she had to say. Her parents made efforts to spend more time with her and engage in various bonding activities together. I remember how happy she was during Chinese New Year, when she gave me some of the pineapple tarts which she and her mother had baked together.

7. How can youngsters channel their sadness, angst, anger, frustrations?

Youngsters can do so through creative expressions of art, music, and the body. The following are some examples: sketching, drawing, painting, sculpting, sewing, knitting, crochet, origami, scrapbooking, digital art, interior design, architectural design, singing, playing musical instruments, composing music, poetry, story-telling, writing, drama, floral arrangement, baking, cooking, dancing, yoga, Pilates, individual sports (eg. swimming, running), group sports (eg. badminton, soccer, tennis).

8. How do you define resilience?

The interesting thing about resilience is that it is very closely linked to failure. I feel that one has to experience failure or setbacks in order to develop resilience. Resilience is how one deals with failures, being able to face oneself and others, and learning and growing positively from that experience.

9. How can youth attain such resilience?

Creating awareness among parents would be a good start. Asian parents tend to set very high expectations of their children and are demanding and critical towards them. The children grow up and become fearful of failure and not meeting their parents' expectations. Parents will have to create a more nurturing environment, which helps children develop and grow rather than a harsh environment, which does not allow room for mistakes. Youth will need to learn self-acceptance, self-care, and how to recognise their own strengths. It is also helpful for people around them to encourage and affirm them for their self-worth.

10. How could someone interested in what you do get a start in counselling?

Well, if they have some interest in helping people, but don't know if that's what they want to do, they can get a sense of it by volunteering. They can work with children, teenagers, the elderly and so on. One good place to source for volunteering opportunities is the National Volunteer and Philanthropy Centre website.

A related point on resilience is that these sorts of activities can actually help them find out just how resilient they are. Because not everyone is cut out for this sort of job. They have to be able to deal with strong and difficult emotions and not become overwhelmed by them.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Never expect... only hope


June: I'm just sorry that you got stuck with such a loser, that I've always been so disappointing.

Suyuan (June’s mother): What you mean disappoint? Piano?

June: Everything. My grades, my job, not getting married, everything you expected of me.

Suyuan: Not expect anything! Never expect! Only hope! Only hoping best for you. That's not wrong, to hope.

June: No? Well, it hurts, because every time you hoped for something I couldn't deliver, it hurt. It hurt me, Mommy. And no matter what you hope for, I'll never be more than what I am. And you never see that, what I really am.

(Dialogue taken from the movie “The Joy Luck Club”)


“The Joy Luck Club” is a very old movie – almost twenty years’ ago when it was showing in the local cinemas. It was a story about mothers and daughters so I can relate deeply with the characters in the story. I remember when I first watched the movie as a teenager, this particular scene made me cry. I felt as if I was June, trying so hard to be a good daughter, to make my parents proud. However, at that time, I felt that I was never good enough, that I never met their expectations. I felt that I was such a disappointment! Yes, it hurt. It hurt me then.

During my run yesterday, I was listening to a talk by Tara Brach on “Three gateways to the heart”. She talked about how many people are afflicted by the “trance of unworthiness” and that we have a “deep fear of imperfection”. Being in this trance implies that we experience this feeling of unworthiness at a very subconscious level on a day-to-day basis.

In our own creative ways, we try to contrive ourselves to seek out approval from others. Most of the time, it seems that we want to get approval from people around us, like the teachers, friends and bosses. At the very core of it all, usually it is the approval of our parents (typically, it would be one of the parents although it can sometimes be both) that we yearn for. We fear that if we are not perfect enough, we will not be loved by our parents. We fear that if we are not perfect enough, we will not be able to repay the kindness of our parents for bringing us up. This idea of having to repay our parents’ kindness is very much ingrained in the Asian culture as this virtue was expounded in the Buddhist scriptures.

The fact that most of us grow up feeling the need to live up to expectations, we end up internalising the need to seek approval. Interestingly, it turns out that the person we really want approval from is ourselves. We are too harsh on ourselves. We demand too much from ourselves. We expect too much from ourselves and thus we suffer from great disappointment when we are not up to mark.

When I first started work in the school, I was told that many of the students suffer from the curse of perfectionism. The teachers felt that perfectionism has created numerous problems and difficulties for the students and the students are observed to push themselves too hard to achieve and do well. They seem to expect that I have a cure for these students, which I clearly did not have. I am no miracle healer. I have come to realise that very early on in my career as a counsellor. I also realised that the bane of perfectionism was not confined to students from elite schools – it cuts across the entire society and all walks of life.

“It is because of society. We are forced by society to become like this. If we do not strive to be the best, we will have no place in society!”

I was not convinced by my friend’s argument. “Yes, to a certain extent, I agree. But is society completely to be blamed for our predicament? We always like to blame society for this and that. I think there is an intrinsic need, which drives us. The fear of failure and imperfection comes from within and that is what drives us!”

“Why do we fear failure? It is because we cannot tolerate the humiliation from society if we fail! So, it’s society’s fault we are like this.”


I thought about all the theories and ideas from my counselling-related books and other materials. I thought about the gurus in the field who hypothesise that when we feel strongly about something, the feeling probably stems from our deepest longings, intense yearnings, profound needs and darkest fears. I have forgotten that human beings do not live in isolation from the rest of the world. I have known this fact from a long time ago, of course I would know it since I am aware of the impact of the entire system on us as individuals. However, for some reason, I have been more preoccupied with the notion that we can be empowered to conquer ourselves and that is all the work that needs to be done. The effect of the world out there does complicate matters. I certainly cannot ignore that fact!

Another “curse” came to mind, as I was lost in my reverie – the curse of city living! Whether it is in Singapore or other cities like Hong Kong and Tokyo, I am sure that many of these city dwellers agonise at their fate. I cannot deny that there will be a tendency and inclination for many people here to be caught up with the rat race, the need to do more and produce more, to strive to do better than what they possibly can, to accept nothing less than imperfection.

You know, in temperate countries, some people suffer from seasonal affective disorder, often around the time of late autumn and winter. We will never get that here in Singapore because it is summer all year round. However, we suffer from city-folks affective disorder! (Oh, please do not look this up because there isn’t such a term. I just made it up. But you get the idea.)

Not everyone who lives in a city will be troubled in such a way but I am quite certain that we are at a higher risk of developing this nagging ailment. Society is made up of people and we are the people who influence the way society thinks and behaves. It would be impossible to immunise the population from the trance of unworthiness nor inoculate our emotions from the deep fear of imperfection. I can only try to bring out your sense of self-awareness to a higher state of consciousness.

What do you feel unworthy about? What do you fear about being imperfect? How have these feelings and fears affected your life and the way you think and feel about yourself as a person? More importantly, how has this way of being affected the way you relate to people around you?

Perhaps it is time to do something for yourself, to attend to this nagging ailment. Perhaps too much energy has been taken up by the distress caused by this ailment. Perhaps too much of you have been consumed by this ailment.

It is painful to feel like this because all we really want is to be loved for who we are and to know that we are good enough, the way we are. Nothing more. Nothing less.

The fact is, we are probably loved for who we are, by our parents. We just do not realise it. We may not feel it. And they do not know how to express it.

Suyuan: That bad crab, only you tried to take it. Everybody else want best quality. You, your thinking different. Waverly took best-quality crab. You took worst, because you have best-quality heart. You have style. No one can teach. Must be born this way. I see you.

(Dialogue taken from the movie “The Joy Luck Club”. This part was spoken shortly after the initial dialogue at the start of this entry.)


http://youtu.be/gjpgeCKL2hg

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Human connection


As human beings, we all yearn for human connection. We desire closeness with another human being and we want to be loved and accepted for who we are, for our attractive parts as well as our mortal failings. At the same time, we fear rejection. We have a sense of insecurity that leads us to a fear of abandonment. Will they still love me if they knew who I really am, deep down inside?

“If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

There is this intrinsic tension, this tug-of-war, between reaching out for this connection and retreating back to oneself for fear of the possible rejection. It is hardly a choice between reaching out and retreating back because we are inherently relational beings. We possess a natural instinct to seek out connection.

This natural instinct dates back to a time before our conscious memory can even recall, when we were born. There is no such thing as a baby – it is always a baby and a mother. A baby cannot exist without a mother, or any parental or nurturing caregiver. You may assume that if a baby is given basic necessities like food, clothing and shelter, it will be able to survive and grow healthily. However, a baby needs human connection to thrive and develop psychologically and emotionally as a human being. When a baby feels connected with its mother, it feels secure and it knows that it can rely on its mother for love and support. For a baby who grows up with a secure attachment, it is very likely that this human being is likely to be able to navigate through interpersonal relationships with considerable ease. Unfortunately, such an ideal scenario is often not going to happen because life is extremely complex and there are way too many variables that influence and affect how we think and feel about ourselves as well as the interpersonal relationships that we engage in.

Consequently, what tends to happen is that we will have a desire to reach out and connect with others but we may tend to hesitate about reaching out. Whether we eventually reach out or not depends on how much courage we have to put ourselves out there and how much risk we are willing to take. At the same time, it depends whether the other person reaches out to connect with you as well and whether that person is emotionally available and present for you. Sometimes, it is not solely about how courageous we are, because choosing not to reach out can be a way of creating a safety wall such that by hiding behind that wall, we may be able to protect ourselves, for self-preservation. Holding oneself back may seem to be a safer option since the hurt and pain of being rejected or abandoned can be extremely unbearable and we would rather not experience that heartache. When we keep others at an emotional distance, we think we are able to control the amount of pain that can get to us and we think we can artificially limit the amount of heartache we are willing to allow ourselves to experience. However, by doing so, we prevent ourselves from fully connecting with others and we prevent others from reaching out and connecting with us. This leave us lonelier than ever because our connections are likely to be superficial and without depth.

When life is going fine and well, we may feel happy and confident that we can do without all these connections with people because it can sometimes seem tiring having and maintaining friendships and relationships with people. If we face minor difficulties and challenges, perhaps we may feel strong enough to deal with them on our own as well. Life is full of its usual ups and downs and things do not and will not always go our way. Once in a while, we may find ourselves at a low point in our lives. This is the time when it helps to be able to have somebody to turn to for support. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness and it certainly does not mean that you are incapable of handling your problems. No one dictated that we have to face life’s difficulties on our own. Of course you may be highly effective at finding solutions for your issues but knowing that there are people in your life who care for you and are willing to journey with you through your difficult times can be very comforting and reassuring.

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved – loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” – Victor Hugo

Take a moment to think about the people in your life. Are you connected with these people? Can you think of three people who are closest to you? If you are truly connected with them, you will know that they will be there for you when you need them. One of the ways to determine whether you are connected is to observe the conversations that you have with them. If they are attuned and mindfully present when you are having a conversation, you will feel and sense that connection.

Connection is a two-way traffic. You have to also ask yourself if you are and can be that someone for another person. Are you there when they need you? Are you attuned and mindfully present when conversing with them? Or are you multi-tasking in your mind and not really paying attention to that person?

The fact is that we are connected to one another in this world. Each of us is responsible for our connections and we can determine the quality of those connections. We have to decide what kind of connections we would like to have with one another. We can stay emotionally disconnected and have superficial connections, which of course will perpetuate our sense of loneliness. Alternatively, we can take relational risks and engage in a relational tango with another person to build and strengthen that connection between both of you. When we connect with people around us, others are connected with you, and they are in turn connected to you as well as to others. Your interactions with people, whether good or bad, will have an effect on their lives. So, why not make it good?

“The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others.” – Albert Schweitzer