Hector's adventures

I love books - buying books. In fact, I have quite a large collection of books at home, in my study and in my office. I must admit that I buy books faster than I can finish reading them. My older son is a much more accomplished reader - the number of books that he reads simply amazes me. I am impressed by his interest in books. In a way, he motivates me to read the many books that I own.

There are not many bookstores in Singapore so my options for places to browse for books are not very many. In fact, it is more likely to find me buried in books in Kinokuniya than shopping for dresses and accessories. About two years' ago, I picked up a couple of books in Kinokuniya and stood in line, waiting for my turn to be served by the illustrious-looking staff. The queue was quite long as the store was having one of her ever-so-often 20% discount offers for their rather over-priced books. I tried to entertain myself by observing the people streaming into the store, eagerly selecting books that they probably will not have time to read. But you know how consumerism is - discount offers means you have to buy something!

There was a bookshelf strategically placed on my right with recommended novels, a little like the shelves of candies and chocolates, which are located just at the checkout counters in a supermarket. I quickly scanned through the shelves of books and there was a book that immediately caught my eye. Have you ever had the experience of shopping and a particular item grabs your attention, as if it's crying out to you "Buy me!"? The men who are reading this are probably already rolling their eyes up and thinking to themselves, “That only happens to women”. Anyhow, I am not in a debate about gender differences here, but I am pretty sure that this happens to many of us, perhaps not all, but definitely to some. This thin paperback novel sat snuggly in between some other chunkier-looking novels, just about my eye-level, which is not very high, considering my height (or lack of!).

Hector and the search for happiness. I am usually sceptical about such titles. What is happiness anyway? Can anybody really define it? There are many books authored by people who think they have the key to happiness but I am certainly not convinced. However, at that point in time, I could not resist the colourful title and a cute little cartoon of Hector carrying a bunch of balloons. I reached out to take a look at the book from where I was standing in the queue and read, “Once upon a time there was a young psychiatrist called Hector who was not very satisfied with himself… And so he decided to take a trip around the world, and everywhere he went he would try to understand what made people happy or unhappy.”

As the queue was moving steadily, I had to think on my feet, literally, “To buy, or not to buy”. Clearly, you know what my decision was.

That was the beginning of my journey with Hector. I read the second book “Hector and the secrets of love”. Then, I read the third book “Hector finds time”. The third book is my all-time favourite because time afflicts all. In the pessimistic sense, we are all at the mercy of time – we can neither make it go faster nor slow it down. We can only decide how we want to spend the time but once it is gone, we cannot retrieve it. I realised that as I grow older, I am more careful with my time, how I make use of it, what I do with it and whom I share it with. In the novel, Hector described life as a roll of fabric. When you are younger, the fabric seems like an endless roll and you can make countless numbers of outfits. There will come a time in your life when you will realise that the roll of fabric is finite and you have to be more cautious about how you use the fabric and be more particular about the types of outfits you choose to make.

It was my birthday last Saturday – the time of the year again. Since I reached my mid-thirties last year, I became more aware that my roll of fabric has an end. I looked back at the year and examined the outfits I have made. It is like doing an annual work review except that this time, I am the boss, scrutinising various aspects of life in the past year. I seem to have accomplished quite a lot and made a number of achievements during the course of the year as well. “There will always be room for improvement”, says the perfectionist part of me. But for the most part of it, I am rather pleased with myself.

I recalled the last two lines of a blog entry I wrote a year ago:

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

I am going to make the life in my years count.

I feel that the quote is a really useful and helpful mantra to make sure that I am mindful of how I live my life. When we become busy and consumed by a-thousand-and-one things to do, it is easy to lose sight of the important things that matter in our lives.

A year has gone by so quickly. Did my life in that year count? I have done a lot but did it count? It is interesting to reflect on my life in this way because it does not imply that doing a lot is doing something meaningful. It does not mean that those acts and activities influence and affect others in a positive way. I cannot be certain unless I survey all the people who have crossed my path to obtain some kind of feedback. However, real life does not quite work this way so I can only try my best and intuitively sense reactions from the people around me to gauge how I am doing.

I shall conclude this blog entry by showing appreciation to my choir friends from ONE. If you have been following my posts, you will notice that I mention the choir every now and then. They have become a significant part of my life since I joined them in April last year. When you spend a couple of hours every Saturday with the same group of people, they start to grow on you. In some unfortunate cases, the interactions become tense and estranged. But such negativity is certainly not the case with ONE. They are like my extended family members. On my good days, they are a fun-loving bunch of people who have a superb sense of humour whose company meant loads of laughter, jokes and enthusiastic spontaneity. On my lousy days, I receive concerned text messages, encouraging remarks, comforting hugs and just pure company to get me through bad times.

This year, I had the most special birthday celebration with my choir friends. It was just meant to be a casual dinner with some of them after the usual Saturday practice. But the casual gathering became a larger gathering – thanks to Facebook’s notifications, many of them were prompted that it was my birthday and they joined in to have dinner together. I am not into elaborate birthday parties so I was happy to enjoy their company for the evening.

We were in the restaurant for some time and I noticed that a queue was forming outside so I asked for the bill. This was when they surprised me by singing the birthday song as the waiter brought the cake with a lighted candle. My face reddened with embarrassment because there were so many people, yet at the same time, I felt touched and moved. I felt loved. I felt enormously thankful for their presence in my life. The best part about having a birthday song sang by choir friends is that you know for sure that the song will be in tune. In fact, they even sung it in harmony and did a rendition in Mandarin as well! How cool is that!

For the coming year, I would like to continue to make my life in years count. I would like to make it count by showing kindness to people around me because this is the one chance in my life to do so.

“I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.” – William Penn

The turning point

A few days’ ago, my best friend, Arlene, asked, “Is a mid-life crisis a psychiatric condition? Or is it just an urban myth?”

I am no expert in the subject of ‘mid-life crisis’ but responded from my own understanding, “It is not a psychiatric condition. It is just something that happens as one of the phases of life. It is normal and natural.”

“Can a person not ever have a mid-life crisis?”

“Possibly. That’ll be one who just cruised along without noticing anything about his or her life! Or someone who just numbed himself or herself throughout.”

Arlene was hopeful, “Or someone who is incredibly well-adjusted throughout.”

“Not necessarily well-adjusted. Oblivious to life!”

“Or perhaps someone in denial.”

“Denial is possible.”

“Why does it happen at this age?”

Arlene was asking very pertinent questions and I felt that she wanted some sort of expert perspective, which I felt inadequate to be able to “correctly” elaborate. I am sure that there are many different viewpoints and some professional stance or definition. But I shared my thoughts anyway, “It’s a turning point in one’s life. One would have accomplished oneself in some ways, work, family, studies etc. It’s kind of the midpoint of life, looking back at the years, what one has done so far. And really contemplating how one wants to live for the next half of one’s life. It’s kind of existential as well. How meaningful has life been? How happy are you with your life thus far? Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? What else do you want to do or achieve before you die? While you still have the time and energy to do so?”

“But why is a crisis a necessity?”

“Crisis, because there is a lot of uncertainty, emotional turmoil, may rock relationships, changes in lifestyle, economic status, struggles, difficulties, discontent with life, yearning for something more and so on.”

About half a year ago, Clyde Murthy, my clinical supervisor of four years, observed, “It sounds like you may be going through a mid-life crisis.”

I laughed and looked at him with great disbelief, “You've got to be kidding! At this age? Isn’t it too young to have a mid-life crisis?”

Well, there has been a lot of changes and transformation in my life in the past year so it does look like I am going through my very own mid-life crisis!

I just turned 35 on 17th November and I felt compelled to reflect on my life thus far. If this is the middle of my life, I expect to have at least another good 35 years to go. In the days leading up to my birthday, I wrote a series of five wall posts on my personal Facebook wall to appreciate what I have, to acknowledge the positive changes in my life in the past year and to give a glimpse of my hopes for the year ahead.

“…happiness is about appreciating what one has… It means finding pleasure in the ordinary.” – Mary Pipher

First, I shared about my “marriage” with my work. This term was used by David Whyte in his book entitled “The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship”. I feel that I have discovered a good marriage with the work that I do as a psychotherapist, something which resonates with who I am. I left the engineering profession five years’ ago to embark on an ongoing journey with my clients. This was what I wrote about on my first Facebook wall post. In July this year, I moved on to a school setting and I feel that the environment is a lot more suitable for me, my personality and my style of working where I feel more affirmed, appreciated, empowered and validated. In addition, I have had several opportunities to interact with psychotherapists around the world to learn from them, learn with them, and be moved by various books, writings, talks and presentations. Hence, I am in a very good place, professionally.

The “marriage with the self” is one of the most complex of the marriages but I feel that I have started the process to make way for the re-construction of the self. A year ago, I felt that deep down inside, I was broken and in pieces. I was not intact inside and was unable to hold myself together if I faced difficulties and challenges in my life. Hence, I dedicated the second and third Facebook wall posts to the changes, which I have made in my life to have a better marriage with myself.

My second wall post was about discovering long distance running. The turning point of my life was on 1st February this year when I received a phonecall from Karen, a Running Lab sales representative. She congratulated me for winning a lucky draw prize to run a marathon in Los Angeles. I thought that she was joking because I have never been lucky in lucky draws and I thought it would be crazy since I have never run a marathon before. I took up the challenge and trained for the marathon, which was scheduled seven weeks later on 20th March. I think that I completed the marathon out of shear determination and endurance because I did not think running was my cup of tea. However, after that marathon, I feel as though I have been running like Forrest Gump since! Long distance running is a way for me to connect with my physical body with every step that I take, to allow the energy to flow between the ground and me. Grounding. Foundation. Connection. Flow. The most therapeutic part about long distance running for me is the time for solitude, to be able to reflect and clear my mind. This is one part of the marriage with myself, which I have strengthened.

The other part (my third wall post) is bringing choral singing back into my life. Music is like language to the soul. Music has an element of rejuvenation and reinvigorating. Listening to music is one aspect of it, which I do a lot. At times, I play the piano, which provides a kind of solace for me. However, choral singing is what speaks to my soul. Singing is like bringing a musical instrument, my voice, anywhere and everywhere I go. There is no hassle at all. It doesn’t take up space. It doesn’t require an electrical supply. It is part of me. Although I have sung solo before, I am more intrigued by singing in a choir, which is the bringing together of many different voices of diverse qualities to make music. How miraculous and marvelous is that! After eight years of hiatus from choral singing, I now spend my Saturday afternoons with my fellow choristers in One.

My fourth wall post pays tribute to the marriage with relationships, which is appreciating the relationships with significant people in my life. I have a few good friends who have been great company on my journey of life. They are people whom I have endless conversations over meals and coffee – laughing and rejoicing and sharing the joys of life; comforting and empathizing over the tears and crying of the pain experienced in life; and just being there for me, always. The other constant in my life is my parents. I do not always share the gory details of my life with them but I can always count on them to be there for me when I need them. This is when I appreciate that blood is thicker than water. I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner on my birthday but it was called off at the last minute due to work commitments. There was no fuss at all. I felt as though my parents dropped everything and took time to be with me, to have dinner with my children and me on my birthday.

Finally, my last wall post is like my new year (or new birthday year, which is more apt) resolution of what I hope to work on for the year ahead.

Excerpts from my wall post read, “For the year ahead, I look forward to improve my emotion regulation, self-soothe more, cope with my vulnerabilities and feel more comfortable with myself as a person.”

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

I am going to make the life in my years count.