The turning point

A few days’ ago, my best friend, Arlene, asked, “Is a mid-life crisis a psychiatric condition? Or is it just an urban myth?”

I am no expert in the subject of ‘mid-life crisis’ but responded from my own understanding, “It is not a psychiatric condition. It is just something that happens as one of the phases of life. It is normal and natural.”

“Can a person not ever have a mid-life crisis?”

“Possibly. That’ll be one who just cruised along without noticing anything about his or her life! Or someone who just numbed himself or herself throughout.”

Arlene was hopeful, “Or someone who is incredibly well-adjusted throughout.”

“Not necessarily well-adjusted. Oblivious to life!”

“Or perhaps someone in denial.”

“Denial is possible.”

“Why does it happen at this age?”

Arlene was asking very pertinent questions and I felt that she wanted some sort of expert perspective, which I felt inadequate to be able to “correctly” elaborate. I am sure that there are many different viewpoints and some professional stance or definition. But I shared my thoughts anyway, “It’s a turning point in one’s life. One would have accomplished oneself in some ways, work, family, studies etc. It’s kind of the midpoint of life, looking back at the years, what one has done so far. And really contemplating how one wants to live for the next half of one’s life. It’s kind of existential as well. How meaningful has life been? How happy are you with your life thus far? Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? What else do you want to do or achieve before you die? While you still have the time and energy to do so?”

“But why is a crisis a necessity?”

“Crisis, because there is a lot of uncertainty, emotional turmoil, may rock relationships, changes in lifestyle, economic status, struggles, difficulties, discontent with life, yearning for something more and so on.”

About half a year ago, Clyde Murthy, my clinical supervisor of four years, observed, “It sounds like you may be going through a mid-life crisis.”

I laughed and looked at him with great disbelief, “You've got to be kidding! At this age? Isn’t it too young to have a mid-life crisis?”

Well, there has been a lot of changes and transformation in my life in the past year so it does look like I am going through my very own mid-life crisis!

I just turned 35 on 17th November and I felt compelled to reflect on my life thus far. If this is the middle of my life, I expect to have at least another good 35 years to go. In the days leading up to my birthday, I wrote a series of five wall posts on my personal Facebook wall to appreciate what I have, to acknowledge the positive changes in my life in the past year and to give a glimpse of my hopes for the year ahead.

“…happiness is about appreciating what one has… It means finding pleasure in the ordinary.” – Mary Pipher

First, I shared about my “marriage” with my work. This term was used by David Whyte in his book entitled “The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship”. I feel that I have discovered a good marriage with the work that I do as a psychotherapist, something which resonates with who I am. I left the engineering profession five years’ ago to embark on an ongoing journey with my clients. This was what I wrote about on my first Facebook wall post. In July this year, I moved on to a school setting and I feel that the environment is a lot more suitable for me, my personality and my style of working where I feel more affirmed, appreciated, empowered and validated. In addition, I have had several opportunities to interact with psychotherapists around the world to learn from them, learn with them, and be moved by various books, writings, talks and presentations. Hence, I am in a very good place, professionally.

The “marriage with the self” is one of the most complex of the marriages but I feel that I have started the process to make way for the re-construction of the self. A year ago, I felt that deep down inside, I was broken and in pieces. I was not intact inside and was unable to hold myself together if I faced difficulties and challenges in my life. Hence, I dedicated the second and third Facebook wall posts to the changes, which I have made in my life to have a better marriage with myself.

My second wall post was about discovering long distance running. The turning point of my life was on 1st February this year when I received a phonecall from Karen, a Running Lab sales representative. She congratulated me for winning a lucky draw prize to run a marathon in Los Angeles. I thought that she was joking because I have never been lucky in lucky draws and I thought it would be crazy since I have never run a marathon before. I took up the challenge and trained for the marathon, which was scheduled seven weeks later on 20th March. I think that I completed the marathon out of shear determination and endurance because I did not think running was my cup of tea. However, after that marathon, I feel as though I have been running like Forrest Gump since! Long distance running is a way for me to connect with my physical body with every step that I take, to allow the energy to flow between the ground and me. Grounding. Foundation. Connection. Flow. The most therapeutic part about long distance running for me is the time for solitude, to be able to reflect and clear my mind. This is one part of the marriage with myself, which I have strengthened.

The other part (my third wall post) is bringing choral singing back into my life. Music is like language to the soul. Music has an element of rejuvenation and reinvigorating. Listening to music is one aspect of it, which I do a lot. At times, I play the piano, which provides a kind of solace for me. However, choral singing is what speaks to my soul. Singing is like bringing a musical instrument, my voice, anywhere and everywhere I go. There is no hassle at all. It doesn’t take up space. It doesn’t require an electrical supply. It is part of me. Although I have sung solo before, I am more intrigued by singing in a choir, which is the bringing together of many different voices of diverse qualities to make music. How miraculous and marvelous is that! After eight years of hiatus from choral singing, I now spend my Saturday afternoons with my fellow choristers in One.

My fourth wall post pays tribute to the marriage with relationships, which is appreciating the relationships with significant people in my life. I have a few good friends who have been great company on my journey of life. They are people whom I have endless conversations over meals and coffee – laughing and rejoicing and sharing the joys of life; comforting and empathizing over the tears and crying of the pain experienced in life; and just being there for me, always. The other constant in my life is my parents. I do not always share the gory details of my life with them but I can always count on them to be there for me when I need them. This is when I appreciate that blood is thicker than water. I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner on my birthday but it was called off at the last minute due to work commitments. There was no fuss at all. I felt as though my parents dropped everything and took time to be with me, to have dinner with my children and me on my birthday.

Finally, my last wall post is like my new year (or new birthday year, which is more apt) resolution of what I hope to work on for the year ahead.

Excerpts from my wall post read, “For the year ahead, I look forward to improve my emotion regulation, self-soothe more, cope with my vulnerabilities and feel more comfortable with myself as a person.”

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

I am going to make the life in my years count.