Snap out of it

A few years’ ago, I attended a training workshop and at the end of the workshop, the trainer gave each participant a memento. It turned out that the mementos were fridge magnets and they came with different tag lines. They were randomly given out, not in any particular sequence or order and some certainly looked more attractive than others. Mine read “Snap out of it”. I did not like the words on my magnet and the girl in the picture looked unfriendly and hostile. The image was a little too jarring for my liking. I would have preferred something, which had more flowers or floral designs, one with a more tender and kinder look. I brought the magnet back to my office and carelessly left it on my whiteboard, dismissing its existence.

Over time, I forgot about that magnet.

“I have to snap out of it!” Debbie exclaimed, with much exasperation. At that point, the image of the forgotten magnet with “Snap out of it” boldly printed on it, appeared in my mind. I understood why the girl in the picture had her hands on her waist and an angry look on her face. I recognised that look in Debbie’s expression.

Debbie had been feeling stuck after the June holidays. It had been five months and she did not feel any better.

“I am burn-out. Can you tell me what I can do to stop feeling this way?” Debbie felt lethargic and unmotivated. She did not feel like doing anything and had no interest in her life. Each day went by like a monotonous, uninteresting routine and this made Debbie very frustrated because she wanted her life back.

"To keep the lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it." - Mother Teresa

Debbie ran out of “oil” and forgot to replenish it. During the first half of the year, she had numerous engagements and a variety of commitments. Contrary to what you think, she did not feel distressed and she enjoyed executing the projects and taking on new responsibilities. In fact, she was enthusiastic with her academic study and performed well in school. Life seemed to be going well for her and suddenly, everything came crushing down after the June holidays.

How could someone who is doing something she enjoys, experience burnout? Besides, she felt motivated and energised by the activities she was participating in. Perhaps, as the saying goes “too much of a good thing is a bad thing” – Debbie over-committed herself and was not even conscious that she was depleting her internal resources over time. She attempted to rest more, reduce her activities and even went for an overseas trip with her family after the examinations but nothing worked. She felt depressed, which must not be confused with being in depression. She contemplated going to see a psychiatrist to obtain medication so that she will not feel so awful. She resisted coming to see me because she was concerned that seeing a counsellor will affect her applications for scholarships in the future.

I realised that some people are more comfortable to see a medical professional like a psychiatrist for their psychological ailments because the general impression is that they may not need to talk too much or reveal too much about their deepest, darkest thoughts and fears. In addition, a pill a day may just take away their distress! However, to many people, psychotherapy and counselling seem to have a more iffy and mysterious approach with regards to addressing one’s distress.

One client said to me, “I did not want to see a counsellor initially because a counsellor is able to read my mind! That’s really scary!” Wow! If I can read people’s minds, I must be some mystic or spiritual being! No, therapists do not have such powers. But I can appreciate the fact that it is difficult to talk about issues that cause a great deal of emotional pain and to feel vulnerable in front of another human being.

Another client asked me, “Do I really have to talk about my feelings? Can’t you just tell me what to do? It’s tiring to get emotional.” I do not have the practice of dishing out “what-to-do” advice in step-by-step bullet point tips because I see each human being as unique and different. What works for one client may not work for another. Just as Irvin Yalom wrote, “…the therapist must strive to create a new therapy for each patient.”

The other day, I was listening to a talk by Michael Yapko, a clinical psychologist, about treating depressive clients. He mentioned that one of the best advantages of psychotherapy is that it does not have the range of possible negative side effects of psychiatric medication. He also raised another important point that in order to “get better”, you will need to make changes in your life – your perspective to life, how you live your life and what you do with your life. Issues that you struggle with or relationship difficulties that you experience cannot be resolved by the mere act of pill popping. There is unfortunately no miracle pill for curing psychological and emotional pain.

"It takes more than a sudden leap to change a life. It takes a conscious act, a decision to take our life into our hands." - Mildred Newman

We often blame our unhappiness to our personality, lack of insight, lack of time, lack of money, bad luck and poor upbringing. Mary Pipher reminded me in her writing that we cannot ignore the effects of “meaningless jobs, long commutes, sterile suburbs, and fears of poverty, war, violent death, and environmental catastrophes.” At the end of that paragraph, she grimly concluded, “Life makes most of us unhappy.”

As much as we want to be optimistic about life, there is a great amount of pessimism, negativity, self-centredness and despair in the world. Consider the amount of sensationalised bad news sprawled all over the daily newspapers and its proliferation throughout the Internet. Even our interactions with one another, conversations and various forms of communication are pre-occupied with gossips, complaints and lamenting about life. At times, even when there is something good which happens, we become a little skeptical by finding faults with it and believing that it is probably just a figment of our imagination or that it will not sustain.

The happenings of life around us will impact us and affect how we feel but it is not helpful to dwell on them either. The question which we have to ask ourselves is how we can live in this world in spite of what happens around us and how people around us are like. Each of us is responsible for our own life and how we live our life can potentially influence other people as well as their lives.

“The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.” – Carl Rogers

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“What can I do to get better?” Debbie was desperately looking for solutions and antidotes. When she first talked about experiencing burnout, I instantly thought that she needed to rest and take a break. However, she had not been doing much and she took a holiday with her family – she seemed to have rested enough. Hence, we discussed about the aspects of her life she needed to change, new routines to put in place and adjustments to the way she was living her life. We talked about taking part in physical activities, making use of art, getting in touch with nature and connecting with people. After the session, I thought that it may be helpful to include the aspect of spirituality (this is not to be mistaken with being "religious") in our conversation as well. Perhaps I will mention it the next time I see Debbie.

“...have a life. Have relationships and interests besides your work. Do things that make you laugh and recharge your batteries.” - Mary Pipher