Never expect... only hope

June: I'm just sorry that you got stuck with such a loser, that I've always been so disappointing.

Suyuan (June’s mother): What you mean disappoint? Piano?

June: Everything. My grades, my job, not getting married, everything you expected of me.

Suyuan: Not expect anything! Never expect! Only hope! Only hoping best for you. That's not wrong, to hope.

June: No? Well, it hurts, because every time you hoped for something I couldn't deliver, it hurt. It hurt me, Mommy. And no matter what you hope for, I'll never be more than what I am. And you never see that, what I really am.

(Dialogue taken from the movie “The Joy Luck Club”)

“The Joy Luck Club” is a very old movie – almost twenty years’ ago when it was showing in the local cinemas. It was a story about mothers and daughters so I can relate deeply with the characters in the story. I remember when I first watched the movie as a teenager, this particular scene made me cry. I felt as if I was June, trying so hard to be a good daughter, to make my parents proud. However, at that time, I felt that I was never good enough, that I never met their expectations. I felt that I was such a disappointment! Yes, it hurt. It hurt me then.

During my run yesterday, I was listening to a talk by Tara Brach on “Three gateways to the heart”. She talked about how many people are afflicted by the “trance of unworthiness” and that we have a “deep fear of imperfection”. Being in this trance implies that we experience this feeling of unworthiness at a very subconscious level on a day-to-day basis.

In our own creative ways, we try to contrive ourselves to seek out approval from others. Most of the time, it seems that we want to get approval from people around us, like the teachers, friends and bosses. At the very core of it all, usually it is the approval of our parents (typically, it would be one of the parents although it can sometimes be both) that we yearn for. We fear that if we are not perfect enough, we will not be loved by our parents. We fear that if we are not perfect enough, we will not be able to repay the kindness of our parents for bringing us up. This idea of having to repay our parents’ kindness is very much ingrained in the Asian culture as this virtue was expounded in the Buddhist scriptures.

The fact that most of us grow up feeling the need to live up to expectations, we end up internalising the need to seek approval. Interestingly, it turns out that the person we really want approval from is ourselves. We are too harsh on ourselves. We demand too much from ourselves. We expect too much from ourselves and thus we suffer from great disappointment when we are not up to mark.

When I first started work in the school, I was told that many of the students suffer from the curse of perfectionism. The teachers felt that perfectionism has created numerous problems and difficulties for the students and the students are observed to push themselves too hard to achieve and do well. They seem to expect that I have a cure for these students, which I clearly did not have. I am no miracle healer. I have come to realise that very early on in my career as a counsellor. I also realised that the bane of perfectionism was not confined to students from elite schools – it cuts across the entire society and all walks of life.

“It is because of society. We are forced by society to become like this. If we do not strive to be the best, we will have no place in society!”

I was not convinced by my friend’s argument. “Yes, to a certain extent, I agree. But is society completely to be blamed for our predicament? We always like to blame society for this and that. I think there is an intrinsic need, which drives us. The fear of failure and imperfection comes from within and that is what drives us!”

“Why do we fear failure? It is because we cannot tolerate the humiliation from society if we fail! So, it’s society’s fault we are like this.”

I thought about all the theories and ideas from my counselling-related books and other materials. I thought about the gurus in the field who hypothesise that when we feel strongly about something, the feeling probably stems from our deepest longings, intense yearnings, profound needs and darkest fears. I have forgotten that human beings do not live in isolation from the rest of the world. I have known this fact from a long time ago, of course I would know it since I am aware of the impact of the entire system on us as individuals. However, for some reason, I have been more preoccupied with the notion that we can be empowered to conquer ourselves and that is all the work that needs to be done. The effect of the world out there does complicate matters. I certainly cannot ignore that fact!

Another “curse” came to mind, as I was lost in my reverie – the curse of city living! Whether it is in Singapore or other cities like Hong Kong and Tokyo, I am sure that many of these city dwellers agonise at their fate. I cannot deny that there will be a tendency and inclination for many people here to be caught up with the rat race, the need to do more and produce more, to strive to do better than what they possibly can, to accept nothing less than imperfection.

You know, in temperate countries, some people suffer from seasonal affective disorder, often around the time of late autumn and winter. We will never get that here in Singapore because it is summer all year round. However, we suffer from city-folks affective disorder! (Oh, please do not look this up because there isn’t such a term. I just made it up. But you get the idea.)

Not everyone who lives in a city will be troubled in such a way but I am quite certain that we are at a higher risk of developing this nagging ailment. Society is made up of people and we are the people who influence the way society thinks and behaves. It would be impossible to immunise the population from the trance of unworthiness nor inoculate our emotions from the deep fear of imperfection. I can only try to bring out your sense of self-awareness to a higher state of consciousness.

What do you feel unworthy about? What do you fear about being imperfect? How have these feelings and fears affected your life and the way you think and feel about yourself as a person? More importantly, how has this way of being affected the way you relate to people around you?

Perhaps it is time to do something for yourself, to attend to this nagging ailment. Perhaps too much energy has been taken up by the distress caused by this ailment. Perhaps too much of you have been consumed by this ailment.

It is painful to feel like this because all we really want is to be loved for who we are and to know that we are good enough, the way we are. Nothing more. Nothing less.

The fact is, we are probably loved for who we are, by our parents. We just do not realise it. We may not feel it. And they do not know how to express it.

Suyuan: That bad crab, only you tried to take it. Everybody else want best quality. You, your thinking different. Waverly took best-quality crab. You took worst, because you have best-quality heart. You have style. No one can teach. Must be born this way. I see you.

(Dialogue taken from the movie “The Joy Luck Club”. This part was spoken shortly after the initial dialogue at the start of this entry.)

http://youtu.be/gjpgeCKL2hg