嘘

Recently, I learnt a new Japanese song entitled “嘘” which means “lie”. It is not always easy to sing foreign language songs because even I do not understand the language. This particular song has a beautiful and sad tune, understandably so, as you can infer from the title. One of my friends who understands the language shared the meaning of the song and I thought about three stories which revolve around the theme of lies: the daughter who lied to her parents; the husband who lied to his wife; and the friend who lied.

Lying is a very strong word and we may call the person who lies, a “liar”. I do not like to label a person and call him names so I prefer not to use such terms to describe people. Instead, I thought about the importance of truthfulness and what happens when someone is not truthful. What does that say about the person? What does that mean to the relationship?

The daughter who lied

Mrs Ong requested to see me one afternoon regarding her daughter, Sally. The family was going through a crisis because they recently discovered several things about Sally, which they never knew. When Sally first came to see me, she shared that she was not close with her family and found it difficult to talk to them about her struggles and difficulties. She kept to herself and confided in a handful of very close friends.

I was on my way back to my office when I saw Mrs Ong conversing with a teacher outside my office. Mrs Ong clarified the school schedule and asked what time the students will be dismissed from school on certain days. I suspected that she had doubts about what Sally told her whenever she had to stay back in school. What was Sally doing and who was she with?

Mrs Ong’s voice quivered as she spoke, “I am not sure if I can believe her.” The tears welled up in her eyes but she did not cry. I could see the pain in her eyes, as if they were asking why Sally had to lie to her and what she may be hiding from them. She had a lot of questions in her mind and she did not know where to start. The parents showed me what they found from her text messages and notes, hoping for some answers about what Sally was really going through. I am uncertain myself, how truthful Sally will be with her parents, or even me. However, they are some positive signs of change – they had a conversation with each other the other evening, the first in a very long time. Sally may not be absolutely truthful every now and then, but once she begins to trust her parents, she will no longer need to resort to lying.

The husband who lied

Four years ago, Diane and Kevin came to see me because Kevin was unfaithful in their marital relationship. Diane was deeply hurt by the betrayal and she wanted “out”. Kevin was still very much in love with Diane and he blamed himself for “straying”. He wanted me to help them mend their relationship. When you lose the trust, it is very difficult to heal the hurt, which the betrayal has caused. In many cases, the marriage is almost impossible to fix and even if the couple stays together, it will be incredibly challenging to rebuild that trust again.

Incidentally, Diane and Kevin decided to give their marriage another try. They stopped seeing me after Kevin changed jobs because he was too busy to make time to see me. By then, Diane stopped coming as well and I wondered how things were between both of them. They had other issues, which they had to address as well but we never got around to deal with them.

One day, Diane contacted me again and asked if she can see me again. When you stop seeing clients for some time, they have to take time to fill you in on how life has been in the years in between. Diane seemed to have grown stronger emotionally over the years and I was happy for her. She found a job and was doing very well. This was a definite boost to her self-esteem and she enjoyed what she was doing. She also made several friends and continued to have a close bond with her family. She was a self-assured, confident lady, different from the Diane I knew then. She told me that she decided to stay in the marriage and was able to trust Kevin again. But the relationship was not heading anywhere. She changed but Kevin has not and the marriage has not. She was unhappy and she knew that she did not want to be in such a lifeless marriage.

Diane showed me evidences of his possible infidelity and her trust wavered again. I asked her if she needed a reason to leave the marriage. She went through so much pain previously. Does she have to go through it again? Does she really have to know the truth?

Does she not know what she wants to do, what she needs to do?

The friend who lied

“I am not that type of person. I have nothing to hide.” That is Wayne. Or rather, who he says he is.

For a very long time, Nadya believed what he told her because she was certain that Wayne was truthful and she wanted to believe Wayne. He often reassured her, “I regard you as a very good friend.” Good friends do not lie to each other. Good friendship is based on trust. If there is no trust, there is no friendship to talk about.

Over time, Nadya's gut feel told her that Wayne was no longer as truthful as he claimed to be. She noted the incoherence and incongruence. She knew deep down inside from that time on, the friendship was marred with lies and deceit. And that was a very painful and hurtful discovery. After some time, She finally revealed to Wayne that She knew that he has stopped being truthful to her. He felt very ashamed of himself. In fact, not only was he not truthful to her, he was the same with his friends.

If she were a true friend, does she deserve to be lied to time and time again? If he were a true friend, wouldn’t he have the courage to be truthful even if it is difficult? What is he fearful of to be real, genuine and authentic to the people who are close to him? What does this say about Wayne as a person?

Will Nadya be able to trust Wayne again? Is this friendship worth keeping?

“People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Truthfulness is the foundation of all human virtues.” – ‘Abdu’l-Bahá

The gems within

During a conversation over a meal, I was asked by a friend (let's call him "D") where I get my inspiration for the blog entries. Well, since I started writing, I have been more mindful and present in my daily encounters and experiences. I reflect a lot more deeply about life, relationships, my felt sense, feelings and emotions.

"Are you going to write about this meal?" D asked curiously.

"Err, no." I thought briefly about the food I was eating. No, nothing came to mind at that moment.

* * * * * * * * * *

The next time I spoke with D again, we chatted about a variety of topics. It was rather random, but I asked him what he thought his strengths are.

D laughed, "This sounds like a job interview!"

I thought about the sessions I had with my clients during the week. Sometimes, this can indeed be an occupational hazard when I bring my counsellor stance into my social interactions! Anyhow, D thought for a very long time but could not think of anything. Well, he did think of one, just one.

Whenever my clients have difficulties thinking of any of their strengths, I would whip out my pack of strength cards, and get them to select a couple of cards for themselves. Without these cards at hand, I was not sure how I could prompt D, so I started to list as many strengths as I could recall. Even with that list, D struggled to find anything to represent his good qualities.

We are often highly critical of ourselves and we tend to find much more faults in ourselves than anything commendable or positive. It is not even humility. We are afraid that our subjective experience of who we feel we are may not be absolutely true and that it would be too presumptuous to think that we really have any virtues to show forth.

I came across this meaningful passage yesterday morning as I was pondering about this topic:

"We are builders of our own characters. We have different positions, spheres, capacities, privileges, different work to do in the world, different temporal fabrics to raise; but we are all alike in this, all are architects of fate." - John Fothergill Waterhouse Ware

Life is a journey. Daily living is a process. Absolute truth does not really exist and who is to judge us for who we are (except God, or whichever Great Being you believe in). We carry with us different qualities and different aspects of ourselves in our everyday lives and interact with different people who cross our paths. We may not be aware of it, but our influence and the effects of our words and actions will inevitably affect another human being, and maybe even multitudes of people out there in the world. We are no doubt "architects of fate", as the passage describes so aptly.


Look within yourself and discover the gems within. Having an awareness and consciousness of ourselves and the qualities that we possess or do not possess (usually, we think we do not possess them because we tend not to recognise our qualities nor give credit for who we are), will give us a sense of our abilities and capabilities. This will help us grow and develop our capacities and potentialities to touch the heart of another human being.

Reflect on your gems within.

Man's distinction lieth not in ornaments or wealth, but rather in virtuous behavior and true understanding." - Baha'u'llah