Who am I?

“…the self is the core and the foundation of your day-to-day life. It is important to build this core, this sense of self, because this is where you can draw strength and support from.” I told the students in a talk last month.

I added, “The challenge is that each of us possesses two conflicting competencies. One is the ability to find the self because you, yourself, know what is good and nourishing for you. And the other is the ability, unfortunately, to sabotage and destroy that sense of self.”

It is not easy to find that sense of self because we are always moving back and forth between the two conflicting competencies. Actually, we tend to linger on longer on the part, which sabotages that sense of self by being critical of ourselves, trying to please others and living a life which others have defined for us. We begin to stray away from who we truly are and conform to the societal norms and expectations of who society thinks we are supposed to be. Therefore, it is tough to find our true self.

I feel as if I am at my own personal crossroad, pondering about my own sense of self, asking the most pertinent, philosophical question “Who am I?”. In actual fact, this is more like a mini juncture rather than a crossroad because I often take the opportunity to reflect on my life, when I go for my long runs. I find it extremely therapeutic to go on my weekend runs, which usually take more than two hours. During those runs, I listen to recorded talks by various psychotherapists and experts in the field as well as a variety of songs in the “shuffle mode” on my iPod nano. By now, I am sure that you know that the poet David Whyte has inspired me in numerous ways. Whenever I need a spark of inspiration, I will listen to one of his talks. It was on one of my regular runs that I was struck by his poem on “Self Portrait”. It was not my first time hearing this poem but I felt that it was timely for me, as if it was responding to the questions I had for myself at that point in time.

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Self Portrait by David Whyte

It doesn't interest me if there is one God
or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
abandoned.
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know
if you are prepared to live in the world
with its harsh need
to change you. If you can look back
with firm eyes
saying this is where I stand. I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living
falling toward
the center of your longing. I want to know
if you are willing
to live, day by day, with the consequence of love
and the bitter
unwanted passion of your sure defeat.

I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even
the gods speak of God.
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For many, finding that sense of self is an intellectual exercise, writing down the options and choices on a sheet of paper, and tabulating the pros and cons or likes and dislikes. In a way, that seems like a rational and practical way of trying to define who you are. However, I feel that if you were to confine yourself to processing the information mentally and cognitively, it will only get you this far and you may not necessarily be satisfied or happy with the outcome and the result of your theoretical analysis.

Now that I am working in a school, I realized that the educational journey has very specific milestones, all carefully mapped out for the students. Depending on the education system that you are in, you would spend a certain number of years in preschool, primary school, secondary school, polytechnic or junior college and university. Of course there may be slight variations to each phase of your educational journey but for the large part of it, it should look pretty much like how I described it. It is convenient that the milestones are fixed and as a student, you will do your part by preparing yourself for each transition to the next phase, which typically presents itself as a series of assessments or a major examination. In school, you are given a manageable number of choices and options. Usually, your parents will play a part to determine which path you will take, so the decision-making process is not incredibly difficult or complicated.

However, after you complete your formal education, you are left on your own to decide what you want to do with your life. There is a vast ocean of possibilities out there. It is like being thrown into the deep ocean with a tiny little float, hanging onto the certifications and qualifications, which you have acquired as you were growing up. Did anyone ever tell us life could be this hard? What do you want to do? What job would you like to do? How long are you going to stay in the job? How would you know if the job is suitable for you? What will you do after you leave your job? These questions are all very complex because there are no longer fixed milestones that you can follow. There is no certainty in anything and there are no real rules to define what you are supposed to do and there is no absolute and objective right and wrong.

As I am writing this, I am thinking of a few of my friends who are pondering about what they want to do with their lives and their careers. They are at a true crossroad of their lives. Some call it mid-life crisis. You can call the crossroad by whatever name but each of us encounter these junctures at various points in our lives. When you find yourself in this unique situation, it is likely that you are feeling some kind of dissatisfaction in your life, as if the equilibrium is not quite right, that something is out of place for you. For some, it would be clear what is unsettling. For others, it may not be so obvious but the vague, unclear, felt sense will give you some clues that something is not working.

Hence, when I was addressing the students last month, I was hoping that the students would begin their journey to find their sense of self. This sense of self is not going to remain exactly the same for your entire life although it is very likely that the foundational core will not change very much. By finding their sense of self, they will be in a much more position to explore the world of possibilities in the future without losing who they really are and what they really want for themselves.

“I want to change my personality. I want to be like some of my friends who seem to be more charismatic and popular. I am too quiet and I think that I will not be very successful if I am not talkative.”

Mingli was unhappy. She could not be like her friends. She tried to imitate them but no matter how hard she tried, it just did not fit and she was uncomfortable with it.

“You can’t be somebody you are not.”

Mingli agreed reluctantly. “Yes, I know. But only if I am like them, I will have many friends.”

She dwelled on it for a while and struggled with her inner self. She knew that by attempting to create an idealized self based entirely on what she saw in others, she was not going to get very far because she will keep sensing the misfit within her. This is not her. It will not feel right.

We explored her dreams and aspirations and how she can start to find herself in light of what she desires for herself and her life, and how she can live a meaningful life and inspire those around her.

Take a look at the poem by David Whyte again and read it with your heart, slowly. Look inward, listen and feel what your heart is trying to convey to you. I hope that you will start to find the answers that you have been looking for. Let your journey of the discovery of self begin.