Never expect... only hope

June: I'm just sorry that you got stuck with such a loser, that I've always been so disappointing.

Suyuan (June’s mother): What you mean disappoint? Piano?

June: Everything. My grades, my job, not getting married, everything you expected of me.

Suyuan: Not expect anything! Never expect! Only hope! Only hoping best for you. That's not wrong, to hope.

June: No? Well, it hurts, because every time you hoped for something I couldn't deliver, it hurt. It hurt me, Mommy. And no matter what you hope for, I'll never be more than what I am. And you never see that, what I really am.

(Dialogue taken from the movie “The Joy Luck Club”)

“The Joy Luck Club” is a very old movie – almost twenty years’ ago when it was showing in the local cinemas. It was a story about mothers and daughters so I can relate deeply with the characters in the story. I remember when I first watched the movie as a teenager, this particular scene made me cry. I felt as if I was June, trying so hard to be a good daughter, to make my parents proud. However, at that time, I felt that I was never good enough, that I never met their expectations. I felt that I was such a disappointment! Yes, it hurt. It hurt me then.

During my run yesterday, I was listening to a talk by Tara Brach on “Three gateways to the heart”. She talked about how many people are afflicted by the “trance of unworthiness” and that we have a “deep fear of imperfection”. Being in this trance implies that we experience this feeling of unworthiness at a very subconscious level on a day-to-day basis.

In our own creative ways, we try to contrive ourselves to seek out approval from others. Most of the time, it seems that we want to get approval from people around us, like the teachers, friends and bosses. At the very core of it all, usually it is the approval of our parents (typically, it would be one of the parents although it can sometimes be both) that we yearn for. We fear that if we are not perfect enough, we will not be loved by our parents. We fear that if we are not perfect enough, we will not be able to repay the kindness of our parents for bringing us up. This idea of having to repay our parents’ kindness is very much ingrained in the Asian culture as this virtue was expounded in the Buddhist scriptures.

The fact that most of us grow up feeling the need to live up to expectations, we end up internalising the need to seek approval. Interestingly, it turns out that the person we really want approval from is ourselves. We are too harsh on ourselves. We demand too much from ourselves. We expect too much from ourselves and thus we suffer from great disappointment when we are not up to mark.

When I first started work in the school, I was told that many of the students suffer from the curse of perfectionism. The teachers felt that perfectionism has created numerous problems and difficulties for the students and the students are observed to push themselves too hard to achieve and do well. They seem to expect that I have a cure for these students, which I clearly did not have. I am no miracle healer. I have come to realise that very early on in my career as a counsellor. I also realised that the bane of perfectionism was not confined to students from elite schools – it cuts across the entire society and all walks of life.

“It is because of society. We are forced by society to become like this. If we do not strive to be the best, we will have no place in society!”

I was not convinced by my friend’s argument. “Yes, to a certain extent, I agree. But is society completely to be blamed for our predicament? We always like to blame society for this and that. I think there is an intrinsic need, which drives us. The fear of failure and imperfection comes from within and that is what drives us!”

“Why do we fear failure? It is because we cannot tolerate the humiliation from society if we fail! So, it’s society’s fault we are like this.”

I thought about all the theories and ideas from my counselling-related books and other materials. I thought about the gurus in the field who hypothesise that when we feel strongly about something, the feeling probably stems from our deepest longings, intense yearnings, profound needs and darkest fears. I have forgotten that human beings do not live in isolation from the rest of the world. I have known this fact from a long time ago, of course I would know it since I am aware of the impact of the entire system on us as individuals. However, for some reason, I have been more preoccupied with the notion that we can be empowered to conquer ourselves and that is all the work that needs to be done. The effect of the world out there does complicate matters. I certainly cannot ignore that fact!

Another “curse” came to mind, as I was lost in my reverie – the curse of city living! Whether it is in Singapore or other cities like Hong Kong and Tokyo, I am sure that many of these city dwellers agonise at their fate. I cannot deny that there will be a tendency and inclination for many people here to be caught up with the rat race, the need to do more and produce more, to strive to do better than what they possibly can, to accept nothing less than imperfection.

You know, in temperate countries, some people suffer from seasonal affective disorder, often around the time of late autumn and winter. We will never get that here in Singapore because it is summer all year round. However, we suffer from city-folks affective disorder! (Oh, please do not look this up because there isn’t such a term. I just made it up. But you get the idea.)

Not everyone who lives in a city will be troubled in such a way but I am quite certain that we are at a higher risk of developing this nagging ailment. Society is made up of people and we are the people who influence the way society thinks and behaves. It would be impossible to immunise the population from the trance of unworthiness nor inoculate our emotions from the deep fear of imperfection. I can only try to bring out your sense of self-awareness to a higher state of consciousness.

What do you feel unworthy about? What do you fear about being imperfect? How have these feelings and fears affected your life and the way you think and feel about yourself as a person? More importantly, how has this way of being affected the way you relate to people around you?

Perhaps it is time to do something for yourself, to attend to this nagging ailment. Perhaps too much energy has been taken up by the distress caused by this ailment. Perhaps too much of you have been consumed by this ailment.

It is painful to feel like this because all we really want is to be loved for who we are and to know that we are good enough, the way we are. Nothing more. Nothing less.

The fact is, we are probably loved for who we are, by our parents. We just do not realise it. We may not feel it. And they do not know how to express it.

Suyuan: That bad crab, only you tried to take it. Everybody else want best quality. You, your thinking different. Waverly took best-quality crab. You took worst, because you have best-quality heart. You have style. No one can teach. Must be born this way. I see you.

(Dialogue taken from the movie “The Joy Luck Club”. This part was spoken shortly after the initial dialogue at the start of this entry.)

http://youtu.be/gjpgeCKL2hg

Human connection

As human beings, we all yearn for human connection. We desire closeness with another human being and we want to be loved and accepted for who we are, for our attractive parts as well as our mortal failings. At the same time, we fear rejection. We have a sense of insecurity that leads us to a fear of abandonment. Will they still love me if they knew who I really am, deep down inside?

“If one is estranged from oneself, then one is estranged from others too. If one is out of touch with oneself, then one cannot touch others.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh

There is this intrinsic tension, this tug-of-war, between reaching out for this connection and retreating back to oneself for fear of the possible rejection. It is hardly a choice between reaching out and retreating back because we are inherently relational beings. We possess a natural instinct to seek out connection.

This natural instinct dates back to a time before our conscious memory can even recall, when we were born. There is no such thing as a baby – it is always a baby and a mother. A baby cannot exist without a mother, or any parental or nurturing caregiver. You may assume that if a baby is given basic necessities like food, clothing and shelter, it will be able to survive and grow healthily. However, a baby needs human connection to thrive and develop psychologically and emotionally as a human being. When a baby feels connected with its mother, it feels secure and it knows that it can rely on its mother for love and support. For a baby who grows up with a secure attachment, it is very likely that this human being is likely to be able to navigate through interpersonal relationships with considerable ease. Unfortunately, such an ideal scenario is often not going to happen because life is extremely complex and there are way too many variables that influence and affect how we think and feel about ourselves as well as the interpersonal relationships that we engage in.

Consequently, what tends to happen is that we will have a desire to reach out and connect with others but we may tend to hesitate about reaching out. Whether we eventually reach out or not depends on how much courage we have to put ourselves out there and how much risk we are willing to take. At the same time, it depends whether the other person reaches out to connect with you as well and whether that person is emotionally available and present for you. Sometimes, it is not solely about how courageous we are, because choosing not to reach out can be a way of creating a safety wall such that by hiding behind that wall, we may be able to protect ourselves, for self-preservation. Holding oneself back may seem to be a safer option since the hurt and pain of being rejected or abandoned can be extremely unbearable and we would rather not experience that heartache. When we keep others at an emotional distance, we think we are able to control the amount of pain that can get to us and we think we can artificially limit the amount of heartache we are willing to allow ourselves to experience. However, by doing so, we prevent ourselves from fully connecting with others and we prevent others from reaching out and connecting with us. This leave us lonelier than ever because our connections are likely to be superficial and without depth.

When life is going fine and well, we may feel happy and confident that we can do without all these connections with people because it can sometimes seem tiring having and maintaining friendships and relationships with people. If we face minor difficulties and challenges, perhaps we may feel strong enough to deal with them on our own as well. Life is full of its usual ups and downs and things do not and will not always go our way. Once in a while, we may find ourselves at a low point in our lives. This is the time when it helps to be able to have somebody to turn to for support. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness and it certainly does not mean that you are incapable of handling your problems. No one dictated that we have to face life’s difficulties on our own. Of course you may be highly effective at finding solutions for your issues but knowing that there are people in your life who care for you and are willing to journey with you through your difficult times can be very comforting and reassuring.

“The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved – loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.” – Victor Hugo

Take a moment to think about the people in your life. Are you connected with these people? Can you think of three people who are closest to you? If you are truly connected with them, you will know that they will be there for you when you need them. One of the ways to determine whether you are connected is to observe the conversations that you have with them. If they are attuned and mindfully present when you are having a conversation, you will feel and sense that connection.

Connection is a two-way traffic. You have to also ask yourself if you are and can be that someone for another person. Are you there when they need you? Are you attuned and mindfully present when conversing with them? Or are you multi-tasking in your mind and not really paying attention to that person?

The fact is that we are connected to one another in this world. Each of us is responsible for our connections and we can determine the quality of those connections. We have to decide what kind of connections we would like to have with one another. We can stay emotionally disconnected and have superficial connections, which of course will perpetuate our sense of loneliness. Alternatively, we can take relational risks and engage in a relational tango with another person to build and strengthen that connection between both of you. When we connect with people around us, others are connected with you, and they are in turn connected to you as well as to others. Your interactions with people, whether good or bad, will have an effect on their lives. So, why not make it good?

“The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others.” – Albert Schweitzer

Creative expressions

Three weeks’ ago, when I was preparing for my second marathon, I wondered what I wanted to listen to during my run. I was deciding between my favourite songs and recorded talks by certain psychotherapists. Just to make sure I was well-prepared, I compiled both – a playlist of songs as well as a series of talks.

As I was eagerly waiting amidst the crowd of runners on that fateful morning just before 5 am, I decided to start my marathon by listening to a presentation by Jon Carlson and Pat Love. The presentation consisted of a two-part workshop with a total length of 2 hours 45 min. This means that I would have completed about 24 km by the end of the presentation. Interestingly, the title of the presentation was “The loneliness epidemic”. I am fearful of loneliness so I thought it would be enlightening to hear more from the experts on this topic.

Jon and Pat talked about what one should attend to in one’s life in order to alleviate one’s loneliness. In one of the points, they urged listeners to consider the question, “Are my talents being utilised in meaningful work?”

Pat elaborated, “Am I using what I was born with, a particular skill-set? Am I using that in a way that touches the lives of at least one other person, not just benefiting me.”

While I was running, I asked myself what my talents are and whether they are utilised in meaningful work. The idea is framed in a very interesting way because it does not necessarily imply that you have to find a meaningful job or career that makes use of your talent. It is pondering about your talent and what you do with it, such that it is not just kept to yourself, but is used in a way that positively influences another person.

For talents, I immediately thought of singing and for meaningful work, I thought of my work as a counsellor. How is my talent in singing used in meaningful work and how is my work as a psychotherapist making use of my talents? Singing therapy? Ha! I never thought of that, which is certainly an interesting possibility, but let us not complicate the topic of the discussion because we can make use of our different talents to do different things.

“The art of music is divine and effective. It is the food of the soul and spirit. Through the power and charm of music the spirit of man is uplifted.” – ‘Abdu’l-Bahá

Singing feels like that for me – the food of my soul and spirit. Although I sometimes have to learn some very difficult music scores during choir practices, I enjoy singing and listening to the blending of the voices of my fellow choristers. One of the most fascinating thing about singing is how a human being can use his or her voice to produce music – the sound which is produced comes from the entire body, which acts as the instrument. The emotional and psychological state of the singer influences and affects the quality, tone and feeling of the song. There is no one way of singing and there is room for creativity, the use of self and self-expression.

Singing together creates that special bond among my choir friends. When we perform, our songs bridge that gap with the audience and strangers connect with us through our music. We strive for technical excellence but more importantly, we want to be able to move and touch our listeners and evoke the feelings and emotions in them. Perhaps this is how I will be able to utilise singing in meaningful work.

Talents are usually associated with creative expressions of art but there is a wide range of talents that you can consider. Remember that if you do not have a particular talent, nothing is stopping you from learning, studying and mastering it. If you already have a talent, you can grow and develop it and use your creativity and inspiration so that it translates to meaningful work. I have listed a range of possibilities below and they are by no means exhaustive.

Talents (possibilities!): sketching, drawing, painting, sculpting, sewing, knitting, crochet, origami, scrapbooking, digital art, interior design, architectural design, singing, playing musical instruments, composing music, poetry, story-telling, writing, drama, floral arrangement, baking, cooking

In the presentation, Pat suggested that the talent or activity should meet five criteria. First, you should have a sense of anticipation such that you look forward to engaging in that activity. Second, it should be something, which challenges you because that is how you are able to stretch yourself and develop your potential to the fullest. Third, you should find it absorbing – you will feel that way if you are enjoying the activity! Fourth, your talent has to be energising – you may be physically tired while you are at it but it should not drain you emotionally or psychologically. Lastly, you should feel a sense of congruence that this is exactly what you like to be doing!

Let me share two vignettes – the first is about Dongsu. Dongsu is a young professional who works as a financial analyst. He was becoming less motivated about his job and found it more and more dreary as time went by. He was proficient at crunching numbers and analysing data and trends. However, these did not excite him. His passion was playing the violin. He wanted to become a professional violinist to perform as well as to teach others. Hence, he contemplated quitting his job and taking time to study music. Unfortunately, he started to doubt his talent because he could not feel the music as he played. He practised for many hours and studied very hard but he felt that he had some mental block, which he could not get past.

When Dongsu spoke to me, I sensed his anxiety and the tension within himself. He was also feeling increasingly depressed and losing his self-confidence. How we feel affects our performance in our work and our talents. I suggested to Dongsu that before he plays his instrument, he needs to take time to wind down, to put aside his distress, fears and worries. After that, he can take his violin and play it, not as a financial analyst, but as himself, the violinist. When Dongsu met me again, he excitedly shared that he tried it and the feeling came back – he felt the music resonate between the violin and him again. I was very happy for Dongsu that he re-connected with his talent. I also reminded him that there are good days and there are bad days. If he is truly in-tune with the rhythm of his instrument, he will be able to sense his emotional experiences through the music of the violin because the music and him are really one.

The second vignette is about my mother, who is in her mid-fifties. She is an amazing lady with numerous talents but she neither boosts nor brags about them. Among the talents she is endowed with, is her gift of handicraft, including crochet, cross-stitch and knitting. I remember throughout my growing up years, my mother made various items as gifts for the family, relatives and friends, for charity bazaars and even for sale. Many people are most impressed by my mother’s cross-stitch portraits. You may think that cross-stitch does not require much skill because each cross-stitch is really simple to sew – it is a combination of two stitches to make an ‘x’. However, it takes an incredible amount of determination, discipline, persistence and tenacity to complete an entire cross-stitch portrait.

The picture you see here is a cross-stitch family portrait, which my mother did many years’ ago.

Recently, my mother started volunteering with a friend at a halfway house and a girls’ home where she utilised her talent of handicraft in meaningful work. At the halfway house, she taught the ladies crochet, knitting and cross-stitch so that they can make items for sale. At the girls’ home, my mother taught the girls some handicraft as part of their holiday activities. These were simple acts and gestures of kindness but I am sure that they will go a long way to touch the lives of these women. One of the girls who remembers my mother fondly, shared that, “She was awesome!” Yes, my mother is awesome.

“The source of crafts, sciences and arts is the power of reflection. Make ye every effort that out of this ideal mine there may gleam forth such pearls of wisdom and utterance as will promote the well-being and harmony of all the kindreds of the earth.” - Bahá'u'lláh

The house of the soul

Each of us has our own associations with the word “soul”. Whether you have a religious belief or not, the soul can be thought of as the essence of who you are as a human being. The soul is a part of you which is neither physical nor matter, consisting of the mind, thoughts, emotions, personality and whatever you consider the spirit of the self. To me, the house of the soul is in fact the body. Our body is the custodian of our soul because the effects of the body, whether good or bad, will affect the soul. Of course, the effects of the soul are also felt by the body because there is a connection between the body and the soul.

From my belief of the Bahá'í Faith, the Báb said, “As this physical frame is the throne of the inner temple, whatever occurs to the former is felt by the latter.” Buddha referred to this idea as well that, “To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.”

In the paragraphs that follow, I would like to focus on how we can take care of the house of the soul through physical activity. The expressions of the soul are projected to the outside world in our interactions with people around us. The attributes of the soul are also reflected in the work that we produce and create in our everyday life.

For most people, to engage in a physical activity is to exercise or play a sport. I believe that the Health Promotion Board (HPB) has attempted to educate the population in various ways through talks, brochures, advertisements about the importance of exercise and the effects of having a healthy body and lifestyle. Most of us probably have an intellectual and factual understanding of these ideas and yet they are so difficult to implement in our busy city lifestyles. In fact, I wonder how many of the people in HPB actually walk the talk. It is much easier to tell someone what to do than to actually carry it out yourself. Whenever I make any suggestions or recommendations about what my clients can do to make changes and adjustments in their lives, I ask myself if I have been able to do them myself and ponder on my own experience of having done so. As much as we desire idealism, life has its practical dimension and we have to be realistic about our expectations about what can or cannot be done.

So, how do we strike a balance so that we allow ourselves to experience life in a variety of ways? I call it “self-care”. Otherwise, we will be running our life on an empty tank. Rather than viewing physical activity as a necessity for maintaining your fitness or some sort of a chore and burden, it is really taking care of your body and a form of respite from the stressors of your life.

There is never enough time for anything else besides our work, school or running the household. It is true that time is an important parameter in this equation because all of us have the same finite amount of time – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It can also be argued that our experience of the length of time is not the same. Typically, when we are doing something that we enjoy or spending time with people whom we love, time seems to fly by so quickly. However, when we are feeling down or when we are doing something we are not particularly excited about, time seems to take forever to pass.

Hence, whatever physical activity we choose to do, it has to fit into the rhythm of our life. We have to select something, which our body is capable of doing, nothing too strenuous and vigorous if your limbs and your heart are unable to endure. It is beyond maintaining fitness – you have to feel good about it. Actually, there is a range of possibilities that you can consider: walking, jogging, running, swimming, cycling, sports, golf, dancing and so on. Even when you select a particular activity, there are so many ways of customising that activity so that it suits your personality, lifestyle, life-stage, and has features and characteristics of who you are.

Esther has been actively involved in sports since she was a little girl. She shared that although she is a very good swimmer, she prefers to run. She feels that swimming is too restrictive since she often swims in the swimming pool, and swimming laps across the pool is not very interesting or exciting for her. Instead, she enjoys running in a park where she can soak in the atmosphere, breathe in the fresh air and find delight in the lush greenery of the surroundings. Running gives Esther a sense of freedom and a feeling of liberation. Esther found for herself an avenue which gives her strength to get through the challenges of her life.

For the longest time, I was very much accustomed to the sedentary lifestyle of engaging in indoor activities such as reading, going to the movies and shopping in the malls. Occasionally, I went swimming just to make sure I maintained some level of fitness and lose the calories from my indulgence in chocolates and cakes.

When I first started running about a year and a half ago, I ran not because I enjoyed running. I did not enjoy running then. I ran because my friend encouraged me to do so. During the prime of my youth, running never struck me as an activity of choice. Never. I ran for the sake of running.

After about half a year of running regularly, somehow, I found a kind of rhythm, which resonated with my being. That was when running made sense to me and had a meaning for me. I found my favourite running routes, which alternated between running on the skybridge of the place where I live, and running around the city area, which is near the vicinity of my home. While running on the skybridge, I enjoy the night sky, which is often lit by the bright moon and dotted with numerous stars when there is little cloud cover. I get to admire the beautiful view of the city skyline as well as the vastness of the city landscape from the elevated position on the skybridge. As for the city route, I usually run along the Singapore river where high-rise office buildings and other fancy architectures populate the surroundings. During my runs, I listen to my iPod nano, which plays my favourite songs and audio recordings of talks by various psychotherapists and other inspirational speakers. When I am on my feet, I connect with myself, the whole of my being – body, mind and soul. I feel rejuvenated and refreshed. I become inspired.

Take a moment to think about what you can do for yourself. It can be as simple as taking a walk in the park, strolling at your own pace and connecting with parts of yourself that you did not have time to pay attention to. If you have a pet dog, walking the dog can be fun and enjoyable as well. For those with infants, this is a perfect opportunity to put your baby in the stroller and take a walk around your housing estate.

All of us are unique individuals and what works for me may not work for you. What is important is to take the first step, to start exploring what works for you, and create a sense of rhythm for yourself to allow the energy to flow within your body, the house of your soul

Whatever you choose to do, be mindful of your experience. Be present with yourself. Be there for you.

Snap out of it

A few years’ ago, I attended a training workshop and at the end of the workshop, the trainer gave each participant a memento. It turned out that the mementos were fridge magnets and they came with different tag lines. They were randomly given out, not in any particular sequence or order and some certainly looked more attractive than others. Mine read “Snap out of it”. I did not like the words on my magnet and the girl in the picture looked unfriendly and hostile. The image was a little too jarring for my liking. I would have preferred something, which had more flowers or floral designs, one with a more tender and kinder look. I brought the magnet back to my office and carelessly left it on my whiteboard, dismissing its existence.

Over time, I forgot about that magnet.

“I have to snap out of it!” Debbie exclaimed, with much exasperation. At that point, the image of the forgotten magnet with “Snap out of it” boldly printed on it, appeared in my mind. I understood why the girl in the picture had her hands on her waist and an angry look on her face. I recognised that look in Debbie’s expression.

Debbie had been feeling stuck after the June holidays. It had been five months and she did not feel any better.

“I am burn-out. Can you tell me what I can do to stop feeling this way?” Debbie felt lethargic and unmotivated. She did not feel like doing anything and had no interest in her life. Each day went by like a monotonous, uninteresting routine and this made Debbie very frustrated because she wanted her life back.

"To keep the lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it." - Mother Teresa

Debbie ran out of “oil” and forgot to replenish it. During the first half of the year, she had numerous engagements and a variety of commitments. Contrary to what you think, she did not feel distressed and she enjoyed executing the projects and taking on new responsibilities. In fact, she was enthusiastic with her academic study and performed well in school. Life seemed to be going well for her and suddenly, everything came crushing down after the June holidays.

How could someone who is doing something she enjoys, experience burnout? Besides, she felt motivated and energised by the activities she was participating in. Perhaps, as the saying goes “too much of a good thing is a bad thing” – Debbie over-committed herself and was not even conscious that she was depleting her internal resources over time. She attempted to rest more, reduce her activities and even went for an overseas trip with her family after the examinations but nothing worked. She felt depressed, which must not be confused with being in depression. She contemplated going to see a psychiatrist to obtain medication so that she will not feel so awful. She resisted coming to see me because she was concerned that seeing a counsellor will affect her applications for scholarships in the future.

I realised that some people are more comfortable to see a medical professional like a psychiatrist for their psychological ailments because the general impression is that they may not need to talk too much or reveal too much about their deepest, darkest thoughts and fears. In addition, a pill a day may just take away their distress! However, to many people, psychotherapy and counselling seem to have a more iffy and mysterious approach with regards to addressing one’s distress.

One client said to me, “I did not want to see a counsellor initially because a counsellor is able to read my mind! That’s really scary!” Wow! If I can read people’s minds, I must be some mystic or spiritual being! No, therapists do not have such powers. But I can appreciate the fact that it is difficult to talk about issues that cause a great deal of emotional pain and to feel vulnerable in front of another human being.

Another client asked me, “Do I really have to talk about my feelings? Can’t you just tell me what to do? It’s tiring to get emotional.” I do not have the practice of dishing out “what-to-do” advice in step-by-step bullet point tips because I see each human being as unique and different. What works for one client may not work for another. Just as Irvin Yalom wrote, “…the therapist must strive to create a new therapy for each patient.”

The other day, I was listening to a talk by Michael Yapko, a clinical psychologist, about treating depressive clients. He mentioned that one of the best advantages of psychotherapy is that it does not have the range of possible negative side effects of psychiatric medication. He also raised another important point that in order to “get better”, you will need to make changes in your life – your perspective to life, how you live your life and what you do with your life. Issues that you struggle with or relationship difficulties that you experience cannot be resolved by the mere act of pill popping. There is unfortunately no miracle pill for curing psychological and emotional pain.

"It takes more than a sudden leap to change a life. It takes a conscious act, a decision to take our life into our hands." - Mildred Newman

We often blame our unhappiness to our personality, lack of insight, lack of time, lack of money, bad luck and poor upbringing. Mary Pipher reminded me in her writing that we cannot ignore the effects of “meaningless jobs, long commutes, sterile suburbs, and fears of poverty, war, violent death, and environmental catastrophes.” At the end of that paragraph, she grimly concluded, “Life makes most of us unhappy.”

As much as we want to be optimistic about life, there is a great amount of pessimism, negativity, self-centredness and despair in the world. Consider the amount of sensationalised bad news sprawled all over the daily newspapers and its proliferation throughout the Internet. Even our interactions with one another, conversations and various forms of communication are pre-occupied with gossips, complaints and lamenting about life. At times, even when there is something good which happens, we become a little skeptical by finding faults with it and believing that it is probably just a figment of our imagination or that it will not sustain.

The happenings of life around us will impact us and affect how we feel but it is not helpful to dwell on them either. The question which we have to ask ourselves is how we can live in this world in spite of what happens around us and how people around us are like. Each of us is responsible for our own life and how we live our life can potentially influence other people as well as their lives.

“The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction not a destination.” – Carl Rogers

********************

“What can I do to get better?” Debbie was desperately looking for solutions and antidotes. When she first talked about experiencing burnout, I instantly thought that she needed to rest and take a break. However, she had not been doing much and she took a holiday with her family – she seemed to have rested enough. Hence, we discussed about the aspects of her life she needed to change, new routines to put in place and adjustments to the way she was living her life. We talked about taking part in physical activities, making use of art, getting in touch with nature and connecting with people. After the session, I thought that it may be helpful to include the aspect of spirituality (this is not to be mistaken with being "religious") in our conversation as well. Perhaps I will mention it the next time I see Debbie.

“...have a life. Have relationships and interests besides your work. Do things that make you laugh and recharge your batteries.” - Mary Pipher

The turning point

A few days’ ago, my best friend, Arlene, asked, “Is a mid-life crisis a psychiatric condition? Or is it just an urban myth?”

I am no expert in the subject of ‘mid-life crisis’ but responded from my own understanding, “It is not a psychiatric condition. It is just something that happens as one of the phases of life. It is normal and natural.”

“Can a person not ever have a mid-life crisis?”

“Possibly. That’ll be one who just cruised along without noticing anything about his or her life! Or someone who just numbed himself or herself throughout.”

Arlene was hopeful, “Or someone who is incredibly well-adjusted throughout.”

“Not necessarily well-adjusted. Oblivious to life!”

“Or perhaps someone in denial.”

“Denial is possible.”

“Why does it happen at this age?”

Arlene was asking very pertinent questions and I felt that she wanted some sort of expert perspective, which I felt inadequate to be able to “correctly” elaborate. I am sure that there are many different viewpoints and some professional stance or definition. But I shared my thoughts anyway, “It’s a turning point in one’s life. One would have accomplished oneself in some ways, work, family, studies etc. It’s kind of the midpoint of life, looking back at the years, what one has done so far. And really contemplating how one wants to live for the next half of one’s life. It’s kind of existential as well. How meaningful has life been? How happy are you with your life thus far? Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? What else do you want to do or achieve before you die? While you still have the time and energy to do so?”

“But why is a crisis a necessity?”

“Crisis, because there is a lot of uncertainty, emotional turmoil, may rock relationships, changes in lifestyle, economic status, struggles, difficulties, discontent with life, yearning for something more and so on.”

About half a year ago, Clyde Murthy, my clinical supervisor of four years, observed, “It sounds like you may be going through a mid-life crisis.”

I laughed and looked at him with great disbelief, “You've got to be kidding! At this age? Isn’t it too young to have a mid-life crisis?”

Well, there has been a lot of changes and transformation in my life in the past year so it does look like I am going through my very own mid-life crisis!

I just turned 35 on 17th November and I felt compelled to reflect on my life thus far. If this is the middle of my life, I expect to have at least another good 35 years to go. In the days leading up to my birthday, I wrote a series of five wall posts on my personal Facebook wall to appreciate what I have, to acknowledge the positive changes in my life in the past year and to give a glimpse of my hopes for the year ahead.

“…happiness is about appreciating what one has… It means finding pleasure in the ordinary.” – Mary Pipher

First, I shared about my “marriage” with my work. This term was used by David Whyte in his book entitled “The Three Marriages: Reimagining Work, Self and Relationship”. I feel that I have discovered a good marriage with the work that I do as a psychotherapist, something which resonates with who I am. I left the engineering profession five years’ ago to embark on an ongoing journey with my clients. This was what I wrote about on my first Facebook wall post. In July this year, I moved on to a school setting and I feel that the environment is a lot more suitable for me, my personality and my style of working where I feel more affirmed, appreciated, empowered and validated. In addition, I have had several opportunities to interact with psychotherapists around the world to learn from them, learn with them, and be moved by various books, writings, talks and presentations. Hence, I am in a very good place, professionally.

The “marriage with the self” is one of the most complex of the marriages but I feel that I have started the process to make way for the re-construction of the self. A year ago, I felt that deep down inside, I was broken and in pieces. I was not intact inside and was unable to hold myself together if I faced difficulties and challenges in my life. Hence, I dedicated the second and third Facebook wall posts to the changes, which I have made in my life to have a better marriage with myself.

My second wall post was about discovering long distance running. The turning point of my life was on 1st February this year when I received a phonecall from Karen, a Running Lab sales representative. She congratulated me for winning a lucky draw prize to run a marathon in Los Angeles. I thought that she was joking because I have never been lucky in lucky draws and I thought it would be crazy since I have never run a marathon before. I took up the challenge and trained for the marathon, which was scheduled seven weeks later on 20th March. I think that I completed the marathon out of shear determination and endurance because I did not think running was my cup of tea. However, after that marathon, I feel as though I have been running like Forrest Gump since! Long distance running is a way for me to connect with my physical body with every step that I take, to allow the energy to flow between the ground and me. Grounding. Foundation. Connection. Flow. The most therapeutic part about long distance running for me is the time for solitude, to be able to reflect and clear my mind. This is one part of the marriage with myself, which I have strengthened.

The other part (my third wall post) is bringing choral singing back into my life. Music is like language to the soul. Music has an element of rejuvenation and reinvigorating. Listening to music is one aspect of it, which I do a lot. At times, I play the piano, which provides a kind of solace for me. However, choral singing is what speaks to my soul. Singing is like bringing a musical instrument, my voice, anywhere and everywhere I go. There is no hassle at all. It doesn’t take up space. It doesn’t require an electrical supply. It is part of me. Although I have sung solo before, I am more intrigued by singing in a choir, which is the bringing together of many different voices of diverse qualities to make music. How miraculous and marvelous is that! After eight years of hiatus from choral singing, I now spend my Saturday afternoons with my fellow choristers in One.

My fourth wall post pays tribute to the marriage with relationships, which is appreciating the relationships with significant people in my life. I have a few good friends who have been great company on my journey of life. They are people whom I have endless conversations over meals and coffee – laughing and rejoicing and sharing the joys of life; comforting and empathizing over the tears and crying of the pain experienced in life; and just being there for me, always. The other constant in my life is my parents. I do not always share the gory details of my life with them but I can always count on them to be there for me when I need them. This is when I appreciate that blood is thicker than water. I was supposed to meet a friend for dinner on my birthday but it was called off at the last minute due to work commitments. There was no fuss at all. I felt as though my parents dropped everything and took time to be with me, to have dinner with my children and me on my birthday.

Finally, my last wall post is like my new year (or new birthday year, which is more apt) resolution of what I hope to work on for the year ahead.

Excerpts from my wall post read, “For the year ahead, I look forward to improve my emotion regulation, self-soothe more, cope with my vulnerabilities and feel more comfortable with myself as a person.”

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

I am going to make the life in my years count.

Numbing the pain

About seven and a half years’ ago, I was lying in the hospital in a lot of pain – labour pains. It turned out that my baby was in distress and I had to go through an emergency Cesarean procedure instead of the normal delivery. I was looking forward to experience what my mother had to go through to give birth to me so I was somewhat disappointed that the birthing experience was going to be replaced by an operation. An anesthetist was called in to administer epidural to numb the pain, so that I will not feel any pain during the process. Indeed there was no pain. I was a passive participant in the entire procedure, just a spectator observing the nurses and doctors do what they are supposed to do to bring the new life into this world. I was drowsy and sedated so I have only a very faint memory of what happened that evening.

As the hours went by, the effect of the painkillers started to wear out and I felt pain at my abdominal area, where the 10 cm-wound was located. The pain was immensely unbearable and I had to take the prescribed dosage of painkillers, to numb the pain. It was easy to have epidural or painkillers numb my physical pain, but what was more painful was feeling like an inadequate and incompetent mother, who was unable to give birth in the “normal” way. When I was wheeled out of the operating theatre to face my mother, I thought I saw a face of ridicule - I had a few points taken off from my scoreboard as a mother, even before I even started. There were no painkillers available to numb that painful feeling.

However, human beings are such creative creatures. We sought out “painkillers” for life’s pain, to numb the pain, to avoid, run away from and hide from our difficulties. In school, we strive towards academic excellence, learning the grammar of languages, the complexity of mathematics, the intricacies of science and the poetic discourse in literature. Alas, there is no curriculum for dealing with life’s challenges. I must admit that it is tough to face our problems and difficulties. It is much easier to avoid them instead of having to deal with them because we often do not know how to resolve them and we do not know how long it will take to resolve.

For a number of my friends, the “painkiller” of choice is alcohol. They often call it “social drinking”, just to have a couple of drinks with their friends, to chill and chat with their drinking buddies. Some go on to disguise their need to indulge in alcohol as a form of “necessity” to socialize with their business associates, to seal the deal. Their explanation seems reasonable and legitimate.

At the end of every work day, Steven returns to an empty home. He lives alone. He has been living alone since his divorce. It has been many years but he still felt the emotional pain from the breakdown of the marital relationship. The pain of loneliness haunts him as soon as he walks through the door to the deafening silence of the emptiness. The only company he has is the sound of his own footsteps and the tiny stream of warm air from his breath. Occasionally, he may hear the neighbour's dog barking or the chime of the lift when a neighbour returns home from work. All these are terrible reminders that no one is witnessing how alone he is, how isolated he feels deep down inside. Steven has his television set on constantly. It gives a sense that there is life and activity in his home. He has the company of the newscaster, the actors and actresses of some TV drama series or hosts of some variety programmes.

On some days, Steven resorts to drinking, so that he is not completely sober when he returns home. The effect of the alcohol dulls his senses and he becomes less aware of his loneliness and he quickly falls asleep. By the time he wakes up in the morning, it is yet another work day, where the routine repeats itself. Steven never allows himself to deal with his pain, to face his pain, to go through his pain and to eventually heal his pain. Instead, he skillfully numbs his pain, with varying amounts of alcohol. It is certainly easier avoid having to face his pain.

For some, spending long hours at work keeps their feelings in check. They bury themselves under piles of paperwork (not so common in this era of modern digital technology) and go through the regular flow of e-mails into both their work and personal e-mail accounts. The happiest people who benefit most from these workaholics are probably their employers because they present themselves as being hardworking, productive and dedicated workers. You may ask them why they work so hard and their usual reply would be, "I can't help it. There is just so much work to do." In some cases, the inherent nature of the job demands the person of his time and his life. However, for the large part of it, it may be the unconscious result of the individual loading himself or herself with immense amount of work, leaving little spare time to dwell on any difficult emotions.

Mei fell out with her friends. They used to hang out together all the time. They studied in the library together; they ate in the canteen together during recess and lunch breaks; they shared many interests and did a range of activities together. Unfortunately, there was a misunderstanding and their feelings were hurt by one another. You know how difficult it is to mend relationships under such circumstances. Mei did not know what to do and no matter what she tried to do or say, there was hostility and tension. It was no longer important to try to ascertain blame or trying to figure out who caused the friendship to turn sour. Each of them distanced themselves from each other, feeling sad, hurt, pain and isolated, no longer able to seek comfort from the closeness they used to have as friends.

“Never mind. I’m used to it already. I shall just focus on my studies.”

Mei decided that she will turn to her books and study. She can hang out with her books any time of the day. Her books will never get hurt or angry with her. They are much more reliable source of company. The advantage is that her grades will probably improve since she will be studying a lot more. She will spend so much time on her studies that there will be no time to think about friends, friendships or touchy-feely stuff like emotions.

We can be very effective at avoiding our pain, numbing our pain. Mostly, it involves some kind of obsession or compulsion. Some people consume alcohol, illicit drugs or food. Some people indulge in gaming, online activities, watching drama series, shopping or gambling. Others hide behind a more acceptable façade of excessive working, intense studying, obsessive exercising, involvement in multiple activities and so on.

‎"Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously." - J. Donald Walters

There is no single remedy or solution for the trials and difficulties which we face. By numbing ourselves, building those walls and trying to escape our problems, it seems that the problems have disappeared. But once the effect of the “painkillers” wears out, we are reminded that our pain is still very present, lingering somewhere in our experiencing self. What is the pain that you are running away from? How are you hiding from it? Do you need to grieve sufficiently over some loss in your life? Do you need to let go of a lost relationship? Do you need to forgive yourself? Do you need to accept yourself for who you are? By confronting your difficulties courageously, you would have to struggle and there will be discomfort. The only way out of pain is through it.

********************

For a long time, I struggled with feelings of inadequacy as a person, as a mother, as a daughter and as a sister. The face of ridicule which I saw outside the operating theatre was not my mother’s. It was my own. A reflection of how I saw myself – the face of contempt, jeering at me and looking down at me. I conjured a huge amount of courage to confront my self-critic and started the process of learning to accept the person that I am.