Little Miss Perfect

I'm sure many of you are familiar with the stories of Mr Men and Little Miss. In the world of Mr Men and Little Miss, there lived Little Miss Perfect. In the school which I work in, many students are like Little Miss Perfect. In fact, even the teachers and staff resemble Little Miss Perfect. Of course the male teachers and staff would be known as Mr Perfect since they are "Mr" instead of "Miss". Let me now tell you a story of Little Miss Perfect and how her perfectionistic traits are expressed in her life.

After a long week at school, Little Miss Perfect woke up early on a Saturday morning. She prepared a healthy sandwich and a cup of delicious hot chocolate to start the day. 

Little Miss Perfect thought of Little Miss Quick who was always able to accomplish so much within a short period of time. Hence, she decided to read a book while having a breakfast, just a small attempt to multi-task and not waste time.

After breakfast, Little Miss Perfect did her weekly revision, making sure that she read through all the information in her textbooks, notes that she made during lessons and online materials which her teachers provided for each subject.


Her goal was to do better than Little Miss Brainy in the coming examination and it was crucial not to miss out anything which was taught in class.

After studying for some time, Little Miss Perfect wondered what she should do when she took a break. She recalled that her mother nagged at her to clean her bedroom. Hence, she enthusiastically cleaned the floor and wiped the windows. 


Her bedroom was so spick and span and she imagined her room to be as neat as Little Miss Tidy's.

When the weekend was over, Little Miss Perfect was happy that she did everything perfectly well and everything went so smoothly for her. Then, she happily went to school on Monday morning. As she was entering the school gate, she saw a group of classmates talking to one another. They laughed and joked with one another. Little Miss Perfect thought to herself, "What are they laughing about? Why did they come together without informing her? Why did they seem so happy without her? What are they talking about? Is it about her? Did she do something wrong?" Furthermore, she felt hurt that her best friends - Little Miss Sunshine and Little Miss Chatterbox - were hanging out with the group. Little Miss Perfect was left feeling somewhat uneasy and uncomfortable that morning. Not a very pleasant way to start the day for sure!

That day, Little Miss Perfect thought and thought about what her classmates may be thinking about her. She does not like it when she feels negative vibes from her friends. Some of them think that Little Miss Perfect is just too sensitive and there is nothing she needed to worry about. However, she was unable to calm herself down. She had a difficult time falling asleep and felt too anxious to go to school the next day.


She was worried that her friends may think that she is becoming like Little Miss Stubborn because she always insisted on doing things her way. She was also concerned that her friends may think that she is becoming more like Little Miss Scatterbrain because she was careless in the laboratory the other day when she broke a couple of test tubes which were meant for her experiment. She was anxious that her friends were staying away from her because she was like Little Miss Bossy in the way she interacted with them.

What do you think Little Miss Perfect should do?

Should she avoid going to school so that she would not have to experience possible humiliation from her peers?

Should she keep a low profile while she is in school so that nobody will notice if she made any mistakes?

Should she try to please her friends by doing whatever she thought would be the "right" thing to do?

Should she be extremely careful so she can avoid making any mistakes which will embarrass her?

Breakfast conversations

I have been feeling rather uneasy with the reactions of people on social media ever since the National Library Board (NLB) made the news headlines for removing some children's books from the shelves. This was in response to an anti-LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) group because the books did not promote family values.

There was a flurry of comments from both "camps" of course, for and against what NLB did. One group (let's call them "Group No-Prejudice") started to petition and "protest" that the books should return to the shelves with the justification that a library should have a range of books, that it is important to be all-inclusive; and not to shield our children in bubbles that we think will protect them from undesirable thoughts. The other group (let's call them "Group Pro-Family"), probably started to panic that Group No-Prejudice might succeed in their quest so Group Pro-Family also started a petition to urge NLB not to be pressured to reinstate the books because they feel strongly that NLB did the right thing to preserve the sanctity of the social fabric of our community.

Basically, I feel that many people are over-reacting, whether for or against, and I feel that the issue has been blown out of proportion. I would rather focus on some of the more troubling issues about how parents tend to rely on digital devices to babysit their children, or parents spending too much time and money on enrichment courses or parents (including single adults) who work such long hours that they do not spend quality time with their family (including couple time with the spouse).

Anyhow, I decided to do some investigation myself and find out what these books are all about and why everybody is reacting on social media. One of the books I explored was “And Tango Makes Three”. When I read the synopsis, I thought to myself, ah, two male penguins. It must be the homosexual connotation that many parents and anti-gay communities are uncomfortable with. Then I realised that many libraries in other parts of the world have also banned this book because of its controversial themes. I was somewhat amused that NLB did not do their homework when they first acquired the book, considering how politically-correct the government and related agencies would want to portray themselves. I also realized that although the story was based on a true story of two male penguins in the New York’s Central Park Zoo, the authors’ intent was to help parents teach children about same-sex parent families. So yes, there are definitely homosexual-themed undertones to the storybook.

I believe that parents are the custodians of their children’s well-being and development, which means that they are responsible to teach their children values, principles and skills that they deem important. Just a few days’ ago, I had a session with a group of mothers of teenage girls. I reminded them that in this day and age, it is difficult and most definitely impossible to shield our children or protect them from material, which we consider inappropriate, all thanks to the Internet and social media. We can censor information from our children, police their activities and behavior and micro-manage their lives but they are likely to be intelligent and smart enough to figure out ways to get around the “system”. What is more important is to lay the foundation and inculcate the values so that our children have adequate skills to reflect on situations they face and learn to decide what is right or wrong, acceptable or unacceptable, appropriate or inappropriate.

I have two sons, Junnoske (ten years old) and Ryunoske (eight years old). When they were much younger, I made a conscious effort to select books that teach about virtues and good character. In fact, I stayed away from the common fairytales like Snow White, Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. Part of the reason is because I have sons, not daughters, so they may not appreciate princess-type stories as much. The other part of the reason is that I felt that the stories placed too much emphasis on beauty and good looks, which seemed rather superficial. The characters in the stories were also either all good or all bad, which is also unrealistic because I feel that there are many facets to a human being which make us part good and part not-so-good. The fairytales we grew up with do not exist in real life: Prince Charming does not exist; Beauty is more than skin deep, and the character of a person is so much more important; “Happily ever after” requires a whole lot of hard work, which obviously does not necessarily happen after a grand royal wedding. So no, my sons do not know those princess fairytales because I decided, as a parent, not to read those stories to them when they were much younger. Now that I think of it, I may need to share those fairytales with them at some point, purely for general knowledge!

During breakfast this morning, I decided to carry out an experiment, to have a conversation with my sons about the controversial penguin book. I started out by explaining to them about the concept of homosexual couples, using only layman language and simple terms. I was careful not to use terms like “unnatural”, “wrong” or “bad” to describe homosexuals because I did not want them to be prejudiced against them and show them disdain and treat them disrespectfully. Then I went on to tell them an abridged version (in my own words) of the story of “And Tango Makes Three”. I asked them what they felt and thought about the story. Ryunoske just shrugged his shoulders. Perhaps he did not really understand the story and what I was trying to tell him. Well, he is only eight. Junnoske had a more serious expression. He looked rather perturbed and said that he was confused. This made me wonder if it was indeed true that the story was not appropriate for children and the anti-gay community was right about insisting that the book be removed from the library. Then I decided to let the book speak for itself. I showed them a YouTube video of the story. When the video ended, Junnoske turned to me and said, “Oh, that’s not too bad. The penguins are like the guardians of the baby penguin.”

Guardians. I like that.



Epilogue

Personally, I believe in the traditional family system and these are the values that I discuss with my children about. The main purpose of sharing the anecdote is to show that children see the world through very different lens from adults. In fact, the conversation with my children did not end there. We talked about the pros and cons about having such books in the library and the implications of children reading the books with and without parental supervision. We also talked about how they will interact with children who come from families which are "different" (single parent, adopted parents etc.).

Of endings… and beginnings

As the year 2012 is coming to an end, I am sad to say that the life of my Newton running shoes has also come to an end. I decided that it was time to decommission it after I completed my fourth marathon on 2nd December. The problem is that I am quite reluctant to throw the shoes away because I am feeling kind of sentimental about them and they embody some kind of symbolic meaning and significance to a certain part of my life. Since I cannot frame the shoes up and preserve it in some way, perhaps I can write about it and in a way, pay tribute to this pair of inanimate objects.

For those who know my relationship with long-distance running, you will know that I attribute it to the lucky draw win in 2011 which gave me the opportunity to run my first marathon in Los Angeles. The other lucky draw winner was Azmi, who is coincidentally the same age as me. Besides the two of us, Melvin flew to LA to run the marathon as well as he was supposed to write an article about his experience in the Men’s Health magazine. How cool is that! This was how I made two new friends and they were fantastic company during the trip. Thankfully for Facebook, we are still in touch. Before the marathon, we went to the LA Marathon Expo, which was near Dodger Stadium (baseball fans will be most familiar with this). This is very similar to where you would go to when you would like to collect your race pack. Those who have participated in the major running events, you will know what I mean. At the collection venue, there are usually other booths set up where you can purchase running gears, shoes and other sports- and fitness-related items. The ones we have in Singapore are nothing like the LA Marathon Expo. Well, Singapore has a space constraint so I guess that is understandable. I am just amazed by the vast area where the LA Marathon Expo was held. It was like a carnival, an outdoor one. It was in March, which was the beginning of springtime, so the weather in LA was pleasant and cool.

It was at this Expo that I saw the booth selling Newton running shoes. At that time, Newton running shoes were not sold in Singapore and I thought I would take a look since one of my friends told me that their running shoes are pretty good. No harm taking a look, I thought. After asking a couple of questions, the salesgirl recommended me a pair to try. As mentioned in the earlier paragraph, there was a lot of space at the Expo so when the salesgirl let me try the shoes, she did not mean “put it on and take a walk around”. There was ample space for me to jog around and even do short sprints to experience running in those shoes. I was having fun running around like a small child and I was not even perspiring because the weather was simply fantastic. When I was done trying on the shoes, I went back to the salesgirl and told her that the shoes were very comfortable and asked what other colours they had. The shoes only came in one colour – orange. I am not an orange person. I am a pastel colours person. Pink, baby blue, lavender, peach… but no, not orange. Azmi thought I should buy them since it was a good bargain.

Did I really want to be seen running in orange-coloured shoes? Girls are vain, I must admit it. We are sometimes more concerned about how nice it looks rather than the functionality or quality of the item or equipment. Shoes take up space in the suitcase. After my LA trip, I was flying to Washington DC to attend the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium and I was planning to buy a lot of books. Buying that pair of shoes would mean reduced luggage space for the books. More importantly, am I going to continue running after the marathon? Will I use those shoes when I return to Singapore? Such trivial issues, just because I could not decide whether or not to buy the shoes.

Eventually, I bought the Newton running shoes. My first pair of orange-coloured shoes. This was the story of the shoes, its beginnings, and how it defined my relationship with long-distance running. I could have stopped running marathons after that lucky draw win. I could have stopped running. But I continued.

With these pair of Newton running shoes, I completed one half-marathon (Sundown Marathon 2011) and three marathons (Standard Chartered Marathon 2011, Sundown Marathon 2012 and Standard Chartered Marathon 2012). They have served me well.

Endings do not necessarily mean the end. Endings provide an opportunity for new beginnings. Perhaps we can even call it continuity. We are fast approaching the new year and some of you may be making your customary new year resolutions in hope for a fresh start for 2013. During this period of time, it is likely that you will review how 2012 has been for you. What are the endings for 2012 and what are the beginnings for 2013? What will you continue from 2012 to 2013? It may not be advisable to keep doing the same thing because no change may lead to stagnation and that is probably not a very good thing. So, how will 2013 be different for you? How will 2013 be better for you?

I did not fly to LA to buy another pair of Newton running shoes to replace my old ones. Now, they are sold in Singapore and I have already bought myself a new pair. Newton is a strange brand. They do not make shoes in varying colours. Each model comes in a unique combination of colours. Believe me, they are all in bright, loud and striking colours. Hence, no prizes for guessing the colour of my new pair of Newton running shoes.

Orange.

I will be running in 2013.

Perhaps another marathon.

*Below are earlier blog entries, which are related to running and taking care of our physical body.
"Run, Forrest, run"
"The house of the soul"

Hector's adventures

I love books - buying books. In fact, I have quite a large collection of books at home, in my study and in my office. I must admit that I buy books faster than I can finish reading them. My older son is a much more accomplished reader - the number of books that he reads simply amazes me. I am impressed by his interest in books. In a way, he motivates me to read the many books that I own.

There are not many bookstores in Singapore so my options for places to browse for books are not very many. In fact, it is more likely to find me buried in books in Kinokuniya than shopping for dresses and accessories. About two years' ago, I picked up a couple of books in Kinokuniya and stood in line, waiting for my turn to be served by the illustrious-looking staff. The queue was quite long as the store was having one of her ever-so-often 20% discount offers for their rather over-priced books. I tried to entertain myself by observing the people streaming into the store, eagerly selecting books that they probably will not have time to read. But you know how consumerism is - discount offers means you have to buy something!

There was a bookshelf strategically placed on my right with recommended novels, a little like the shelves of candies and chocolates, which are located just at the checkout counters in a supermarket. I quickly scanned through the shelves of books and there was a book that immediately caught my eye. Have you ever had the experience of shopping and a particular item grabs your attention, as if it's crying out to you "Buy me!"? The men who are reading this are probably already rolling their eyes up and thinking to themselves, “That only happens to women”. Anyhow, I am not in a debate about gender differences here, but I am pretty sure that this happens to many of us, perhaps not all, but definitely to some. This thin paperback novel sat snuggly in between some other chunkier-looking novels, just about my eye-level, which is not very high, considering my height (or lack of!).

Hector and the search for happiness. I am usually sceptical about such titles. What is happiness anyway? Can anybody really define it? There are many books authored by people who think they have the key to happiness but I am certainly not convinced. However, at that point in time, I could not resist the colourful title and a cute little cartoon of Hector carrying a bunch of balloons. I reached out to take a look at the book from where I was standing in the queue and read, “Once upon a time there was a young psychiatrist called Hector who was not very satisfied with himself… And so he decided to take a trip around the world, and everywhere he went he would try to understand what made people happy or unhappy.”

As the queue was moving steadily, I had to think on my feet, literally, “To buy, or not to buy”. Clearly, you know what my decision was.

That was the beginning of my journey with Hector. I read the second book “Hector and the secrets of love”. Then, I read the third book “Hector finds time”. The third book is my all-time favourite because time afflicts all. In the pessimistic sense, we are all at the mercy of time – we can neither make it go faster nor slow it down. We can only decide how we want to spend the time but once it is gone, we cannot retrieve it. I realised that as I grow older, I am more careful with my time, how I make use of it, what I do with it and whom I share it with. In the novel, Hector described life as a roll of fabric. When you are younger, the fabric seems like an endless roll and you can make countless numbers of outfits. There will come a time in your life when you will realise that the roll of fabric is finite and you have to be more cautious about how you use the fabric and be more particular about the types of outfits you choose to make.

It was my birthday last Saturday – the time of the year again. Since I reached my mid-thirties last year, I became more aware that my roll of fabric has an end. I looked back at the year and examined the outfits I have made. It is like doing an annual work review except that this time, I am the boss, scrutinising various aspects of life in the past year. I seem to have accomplished quite a lot and made a number of achievements during the course of the year as well. “There will always be room for improvement”, says the perfectionist part of me. But for the most part of it, I am rather pleased with myself.

I recalled the last two lines of a blog entry I wrote a year ago:

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” – Abraham Lincoln

I am going to make the life in my years count.

I feel that the quote is a really useful and helpful mantra to make sure that I am mindful of how I live my life. When we become busy and consumed by a-thousand-and-one things to do, it is easy to lose sight of the important things that matter in our lives.

A year has gone by so quickly. Did my life in that year count? I have done a lot but did it count? It is interesting to reflect on my life in this way because it does not imply that doing a lot is doing something meaningful. It does not mean that those acts and activities influence and affect others in a positive way. I cannot be certain unless I survey all the people who have crossed my path to obtain some kind of feedback. However, real life does not quite work this way so I can only try my best and intuitively sense reactions from the people around me to gauge how I am doing.

I shall conclude this blog entry by showing appreciation to my choir friends from ONE. If you have been following my posts, you will notice that I mention the choir every now and then. They have become a significant part of my life since I joined them in April last year. When you spend a couple of hours every Saturday with the same group of people, they start to grow on you. In some unfortunate cases, the interactions become tense and estranged. But such negativity is certainly not the case with ONE. They are like my extended family members. On my good days, they are a fun-loving bunch of people who have a superb sense of humour whose company meant loads of laughter, jokes and enthusiastic spontaneity. On my lousy days, I receive concerned text messages, encouraging remarks, comforting hugs and just pure company to get me through bad times.

This year, I had the most special birthday celebration with my choir friends. It was just meant to be a casual dinner with some of them after the usual Saturday practice. But the casual gathering became a larger gathering – thanks to Facebook’s notifications, many of them were prompted that it was my birthday and they joined in to have dinner together. I am not into elaborate birthday parties so I was happy to enjoy their company for the evening.

We were in the restaurant for some time and I noticed that a queue was forming outside so I asked for the bill. This was when they surprised me by singing the birthday song as the waiter brought the cake with a lighted candle. My face reddened with embarrassment because there were so many people, yet at the same time, I felt touched and moved. I felt loved. I felt enormously thankful for their presence in my life. The best part about having a birthday song sang by choir friends is that you know for sure that the song will be in tune. In fact, they even sung it in harmony and did a rendition in Mandarin as well! How cool is that!

For the coming year, I would like to continue to make my life in years count. I would like to make it count by showing kindness to people around me because this is the one chance in my life to do so.

“I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.” – William Penn

嘘

Recently, I learnt a new Japanese song entitled “嘘” which means “lie”. It is not always easy to sing foreign language songs because even I do not understand the language. This particular song has a beautiful and sad tune, understandably so, as you can infer from the title. One of my friends who understands the language shared the meaning of the song and I thought about three stories which revolve around the theme of lies: the daughter who lied to her parents; the husband who lied to his wife; and the friend who lied.

Lying is a very strong word and we may call the person who lies, a “liar”. I do not like to label a person and call him names so I prefer not to use such terms to describe people. Instead, I thought about the importance of truthfulness and what happens when someone is not truthful. What does that say about the person? What does that mean to the relationship?

The daughter who lied

Mrs Ong requested to see me one afternoon regarding her daughter, Sally. The family was going through a crisis because they recently discovered several things about Sally, which they never knew. When Sally first came to see me, she shared that she was not close with her family and found it difficult to talk to them about her struggles and difficulties. She kept to herself and confided in a handful of very close friends.

I was on my way back to my office when I saw Mrs Ong conversing with a teacher outside my office. Mrs Ong clarified the school schedule and asked what time the students will be dismissed from school on certain days. I suspected that she had doubts about what Sally told her whenever she had to stay back in school. What was Sally doing and who was she with?

Mrs Ong’s voice quivered as she spoke, “I am not sure if I can believe her.” The tears welled up in her eyes but she did not cry. I could see the pain in her eyes, as if they were asking why Sally had to lie to her and what she may be hiding from them. She had a lot of questions in her mind and she did not know where to start. The parents showed me what they found from her text messages and notes, hoping for some answers about what Sally was really going through. I am uncertain myself, how truthful Sally will be with her parents, or even me. However, they are some positive signs of change – they had a conversation with each other the other evening, the first in a very long time. Sally may not be absolutely truthful every now and then, but once she begins to trust her parents, she will no longer need to resort to lying.

The husband who lied

Four years ago, Diane and Kevin came to see me because Kevin was unfaithful in their marital relationship. Diane was deeply hurt by the betrayal and she wanted “out”. Kevin was still very much in love with Diane and he blamed himself for “straying”. He wanted me to help them mend their relationship. When you lose the trust, it is very difficult to heal the hurt, which the betrayal has caused. In many cases, the marriage is almost impossible to fix and even if the couple stays together, it will be incredibly challenging to rebuild that trust again.

Incidentally, Diane and Kevin decided to give their marriage another try. They stopped seeing me after Kevin changed jobs because he was too busy to make time to see me. By then, Diane stopped coming as well and I wondered how things were between both of them. They had other issues, which they had to address as well but we never got around to deal with them.

One day, Diane contacted me again and asked if she can see me again. When you stop seeing clients for some time, they have to take time to fill you in on how life has been in the years in between. Diane seemed to have grown stronger emotionally over the years and I was happy for her. She found a job and was doing very well. This was a definite boost to her self-esteem and she enjoyed what she was doing. She also made several friends and continued to have a close bond with her family. She was a self-assured, confident lady, different from the Diane I knew then. She told me that she decided to stay in the marriage and was able to trust Kevin again. But the relationship was not heading anywhere. She changed but Kevin has not and the marriage has not. She was unhappy and she knew that she did not want to be in such a lifeless marriage.

Diane showed me evidences of his possible infidelity and her trust wavered again. I asked her if she needed a reason to leave the marriage. She went through so much pain previously. Does she have to go through it again? Does she really have to know the truth?

Does she not know what she wants to do, what she needs to do?

The friend who lied

“I am not that type of person. I have nothing to hide.” That is Wayne. Or rather, who he says he is.

For a very long time, Nadya believed what he told her because she was certain that Wayne was truthful and she wanted to believe Wayne. He often reassured her, “I regard you as a very good friend.” Good friends do not lie to each other. Good friendship is based on trust. If there is no trust, there is no friendship to talk about.

Over time, Nadya's gut feel told her that Wayne was no longer as truthful as he claimed to be. She noted the incoherence and incongruence. She knew deep down inside from that time on, the friendship was marred with lies and deceit. And that was a very painful and hurtful discovery. After some time, She finally revealed to Wayne that She knew that he has stopped being truthful to her. He felt very ashamed of himself. In fact, not only was he not truthful to her, he was the same with his friends.

If she were a true friend, does she deserve to be lied to time and time again? If he were a true friend, wouldn’t he have the courage to be truthful even if it is difficult? What is he fearful of to be real, genuine and authentic to the people who are close to him? What does this say about Wayne as a person?

Will Nadya be able to trust Wayne again? Is this friendship worth keeping?

“People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Truthfulness is the foundation of all human virtues.” – ‘Abdu’l-Bahá

The human voice

"Food doesn't tempt you. Shopping doesn't tempt you. Then what tempts you?" Shermaine asked me.

"I am a very emotional person. I get tempted by emotions. Anything that moves me."

Shermaine's question set me thinking - what really tempts me? It is quite a strange question because food and shopping seem to be common preoccupations for fellow Singaporeans. However, it does not really interest me very much. As I ponder a little more, I came to realise that singing in a choir tempts me.

My relationship with singing goes a long way back to the time when I was a child. No, I never took voice classes nor was I a prodigy singer. I recall my mother singing lullabies to my sister when she was a baby. I am sure she sang them to me when I was a baby but I do not have that in my conscious memory. Nevertheless, I remember many songs, nursery rhymes and the sound of my mother's voice throughout my childhood years. Although my mother is not one who expresses her love and affection openly, I can certainly sense it from her actions and the soothing tone of her voice when she sings. That is how singing connects to me - it keeps me feeling warm and fuzzy, and very much close to home.

When I was fourteen, I joined the school choir and discovered my love for choral singing. First of all, I am thankful that I have a gift and talent in singing and this has given me an opportunity to use this part of myself to produce music. The special thing about the human voice is that, it is a part of each and everyone of us. I bring this voice, this instrument, everywhere I go. Of course I can sing as a soloist, which I do from time to time. But I much prefer to do so with a group of singers.

There is no voice that is completely identical, maybe similar, but each one is different, distinct and unique. The tone and quality belongs to the person who owns the voice and has the characteristic of his or her personality. We can try to imitate or emulate another person but that will no longer be ours and will not be representative of who we are. The special thing about singing in a choir is the bringing together of many individual voices to create music.

After I graduated from University, I took a hiatus from the choral scene due to work commitments and devoting my time to caring for my children as a young mother. I was fairly out of touch with singing as a chorister but I knew that deep down inside, I was itching to sing in a choir. A year ago, Dawn, a lovely friend of mine, gently nudged me to audition to sing in ONE, a choir which she actively sang in. I was tempted. I was tempted for some time after hearing them sing at a concert the previous year. I did not take too long to contemplate about it and soon, I found myself singing regularly with the choir on Saturday afternoons.

This summer, I travelled to Portugal to perform with ONE and gained several insights about choral singing. We did not always have proper venues for our practices so we would sing in the park or in random public spaces. Of course, this attracted attention from passers-by and sometimes, they would stop and listen, perhaps mistakenly thinking that we were performing for them. At the end of each song, we would be encouraged by their applause. I realised that there is no performance without an audience - this is our symbiotic relationship. There is no such thing as an audience if there is no show to watch!

"The aim of art is to represent not the outward appearance of things, but their inward significance." - Aristotle

The next question that came to mind was - what constitutes a good performance? Is it a choral piece which is made up of complex harmonies and sophisticated rhythms? Is it done by trained singers, led by a reputable conductor? Sure, these will produce excellent music and possibly a perfect performance but a good performance must have heart. A good performance must have soul. Without which, a choir will not be able to reach out to the audience and they will not be moved. The audience will experience "eargasm" without feeling or emotion.

How is a choir supposed to have that heart and soul?

The choir must exists as a single entity. Neither the members nor the conductor can be individualistic or self-centred. I recognise that we are each unique and different individuals but when we sing, that musical mosaic must demonstrate a tapestry of music which reflects our love for one another and our relationship as a choir. There must be mutual trust and respect. This way, the choir will have a life of its own, with a heart and a soul.

The choir is very human. We have good days and bad days. There are times when we feel good about ourselves, when we are in high spirits, when we feel connected with one another - then we sing well, we are able to bring joy to the audience, they can feel the music. They will become inspired. When we are feeling under the weather, out of sorts, unhappy and disconnected, the audience will sense the dissonance. They will not be moved. Where music is concerned, I feel that one has to be passionate but not tensed. Tension will prevent the music from flowing and the sound will come out too hard or perhaps, even overbearing. Being too self-critical and having self-doubt or too high expectations of oneself are likely to create that tension in your voice and these aspects of yourself may hold back the music in you which you would like to convey to the world.

Good music is not about perfection but about true sincerity. That is what the audience want to experience - a heartfelt, sincere performance.

"Live to create love, art, music, peace and poetry. Bring to the world what no one else has and find passion in it." - Robert Tew

[This piece of writing is dedicated to my fellow choristers in ONE and of course our choral director, Ms Lim Ai Hooi. The music from the choir has touched me and the sincerity of each individual member has moved me. I must say that the past year with ONE has been an enriching and life-changing period of my life and the trip to Portugal is certainly a highlight of my life. Thank you to each and everyone of you!]

The misunderstood

I cannot tolerate injustice and will try ways and means to fight for those who have no voice or are in a position in which they have no way of standing up for their rights. Of course this often got me into a lot of trouble because the people I stood up against were usually the people in power and the probability of winning is very slim. I did it anyway, almost like hitting my head against the wall, or bulldozing my way through, like some headstrong (and possibly, quite senseless) fanatic. After several knocks and bruises, nowadays, I am a little more subdued and measured in my bulldozing endeavours, which is probably a good thing - keeps my energy and anger in check!

Now that I work in a school setting, the type of dynamics played out are very different. I would see the tension between the teachers and the students, the bullying among students and so on. Interestingly, I have also shifted in terms of how I perceive the various groups of people. I no longer see one group as the "bad" and another group as the "good", nor either being more right than the other. I realised that everybody has their side of the story to tell and no one is more wrong than the other. In addition, because of the interactions at play, one person's behaviour is very likely to induce a reaction from the other. That person will then respond in the way that they know best, because that is how they live their lives and how they feel about themselves as well as how they experience the other person's behaviour.

What tends to happen in a school environment is that "troublemakers" are very quickly identified. They are the menace of the class, the ones who are disruptive during lessons, the ones who sow discord among classmates and the ones whom nobody likes. They are the unpopular, the outcast, the centre of recess gossips and the "public enemy". We pay attention at "persecuting" them and making sure that they understand the consequences of their actions. We also make them feel guilty for how much hurt and harm they have caused to other teachers and students.

The question is, "Who empathises with the troublemakers?"

No one really. No one feels they deserve any form of empathy and understanding because people who are rotten at the core does not deserve sympathy in any way. Perhaps this is the harsh reality they are faced with. Since the world turns its back on them, they continue to lash out and act out. No one cares anyway.

One of these troublemakers, Sue, told me, "I am the most unpopular in class. No one is more unpopular than me, even ants, spiders, lizards and cockroaches. Oh wait... I think except cockroaches. Nobody likes cockroaches so I guess I am more popular than the cockroaches."

I felt sad to hear Sue compare her self-worth to that of a cockroach. After that exclamation, she laughed it off saying that it is really no big deal and that she is used to the way others treat her. Sue is familiar to the feeling of being shunned by her peers. She is not quite sure why this happens but she knows people do not like her very much. I noticed the pain in her eyes as she shifted her gaze to the floor and she paused for a while without saying a word.

The other day, her teacher asked, "Did Sue see you? How did the session go?"

"She came. I asked her to come with two friends next time. I hope that her friends can share about how they experience her and maybe this can provide her with some helpful feedback."

"Friends? I don't think Sue has any friends."

I felt a sense of heaviness in my heart when I heard the teacher say that. The odds are against Sue and others hold her in such disdain and skepticism that there can be anything positive or good about Sue. When Sue first came to see me at the beginning of the year, I got a glimpse of the difficulties she has to deal with at home. Her father is physically and verbally abusive and she has to protect her helpless younger brother. Her heart is filled with anger towards her father and she takes the stance of an aggressor to wrestle with her father and outwit him in numerous ways. She has to behave and act the way she did for her own survival and sanity. The home is a tough place to be in. Unfortunately, she is harsh and antagonistic outside home as well. She does not know any other way to live her life or be in the world with others.

I have a great amount of empathy for the misunderstood because I know that very few people see the goodness and positives in them. Not many will believe that they have the potential to grow and develop as a person. The other area is to connect with the pain they experience and help them process and make sense of their pain.

At the very core of who they are as a person, they are human beings who have feelings, who experience hurt and pain, who yearn to love and be loved, who desire connection and to be accepted for who they are.

Are we ready to reach out to them, to try to understand and appreciate their lives through their lens, to put ourselves in their shoes? Are we prepared to treat them with kindness and forgiveness and relate to them with compassion?

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation.” - Paulo Coelho