Who am I?

“…the self is the core and the foundation of your day-to-day life. It is important to build this core, this sense of self, because this is where you can draw strength and support from.” I told the students in a talk last month.

I added, “The challenge is that each of us possesses two conflicting competencies. One is the ability to find the self because you, yourself, know what is good and nourishing for you. And the other is the ability, unfortunately, to sabotage and destroy that sense of self.”

It is not easy to find that sense of self because we are always moving back and forth between the two conflicting competencies. Actually, we tend to linger on longer on the part, which sabotages that sense of self by being critical of ourselves, trying to please others and living a life which others have defined for us. We begin to stray away from who we truly are and conform to the societal norms and expectations of who society thinks we are supposed to be. Therefore, it is tough to find our true self.

I feel as if I am at my own personal crossroad, pondering about my own sense of self, asking the most pertinent, philosophical question “Who am I?”. In actual fact, this is more like a mini juncture rather than a crossroad because I often take the opportunity to reflect on my life, when I go for my long runs. I find it extremely therapeutic to go on my weekend runs, which usually take more than two hours. During those runs, I listen to recorded talks by various psychotherapists and experts in the field as well as a variety of songs in the “shuffle mode” on my iPod nano. By now, I am sure that you know that the poet David Whyte has inspired me in numerous ways. Whenever I need a spark of inspiration, I will listen to one of his talks. It was on one of my regular runs that I was struck by his poem on “Self Portrait”. It was not my first time hearing this poem but I felt that it was timely for me, as if it was responding to the questions I had for myself at that point in time.

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Self Portrait by David Whyte

It doesn't interest me if there is one God
or many gods.
I want to know if you belong or feel
abandoned.
If you know despair or can see it in others.
I want to know
if you are prepared to live in the world
with its harsh need
to change you. If you can look back
with firm eyes
saying this is where I stand. I want to know
if you know
how to melt into that fierce heat of living
falling toward
the center of your longing. I want to know
if you are willing
to live, day by day, with the consequence of love
and the bitter
unwanted passion of your sure defeat.

I have heard, in that fierce embrace, even
the gods speak of God.
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For many, finding that sense of self is an intellectual exercise, writing down the options and choices on a sheet of paper, and tabulating the pros and cons or likes and dislikes. In a way, that seems like a rational and practical way of trying to define who you are. However, I feel that if you were to confine yourself to processing the information mentally and cognitively, it will only get you this far and you may not necessarily be satisfied or happy with the outcome and the result of your theoretical analysis.

Now that I am working in a school, I realized that the educational journey has very specific milestones, all carefully mapped out for the students. Depending on the education system that you are in, you would spend a certain number of years in preschool, primary school, secondary school, polytechnic or junior college and university. Of course there may be slight variations to each phase of your educational journey but for the large part of it, it should look pretty much like how I described it. It is convenient that the milestones are fixed and as a student, you will do your part by preparing yourself for each transition to the next phase, which typically presents itself as a series of assessments or a major examination. In school, you are given a manageable number of choices and options. Usually, your parents will play a part to determine which path you will take, so the decision-making process is not incredibly difficult or complicated.

However, after you complete your formal education, you are left on your own to decide what you want to do with your life. There is a vast ocean of possibilities out there. It is like being thrown into the deep ocean with a tiny little float, hanging onto the certifications and qualifications, which you have acquired as you were growing up. Did anyone ever tell us life could be this hard? What do you want to do? What job would you like to do? How long are you going to stay in the job? How would you know if the job is suitable for you? What will you do after you leave your job? These questions are all very complex because there are no longer fixed milestones that you can follow. There is no certainty in anything and there are no real rules to define what you are supposed to do and there is no absolute and objective right and wrong.

As I am writing this, I am thinking of a few of my friends who are pondering about what they want to do with their lives and their careers. They are at a true crossroad of their lives. Some call it mid-life crisis. You can call the crossroad by whatever name but each of us encounter these junctures at various points in our lives. When you find yourself in this unique situation, it is likely that you are feeling some kind of dissatisfaction in your life, as if the equilibrium is not quite right, that something is out of place for you. For some, it would be clear what is unsettling. For others, it may not be so obvious but the vague, unclear, felt sense will give you some clues that something is not working.

Hence, when I was addressing the students last month, I was hoping that the students would begin their journey to find their sense of self. This sense of self is not going to remain exactly the same for your entire life although it is very likely that the foundational core will not change very much. By finding their sense of self, they will be in a much more position to explore the world of possibilities in the future without losing who they really are and what they really want for themselves.

“I want to change my personality. I want to be like some of my friends who seem to be more charismatic and popular. I am too quiet and I think that I will not be very successful if I am not talkative.”

Mingli was unhappy. She could not be like her friends. She tried to imitate them but no matter how hard she tried, it just did not fit and she was uncomfortable with it.

“You can’t be somebody you are not.”

Mingli agreed reluctantly. “Yes, I know. But only if I am like them, I will have many friends.”

She dwelled on it for a while and struggled with her inner self. She knew that by attempting to create an idealized self based entirely on what she saw in others, she was not going to get very far because she will keep sensing the misfit within her. This is not her. It will not feel right.

We explored her dreams and aspirations and how she can start to find herself in light of what she desires for herself and her life, and how she can live a meaningful life and inspire those around her.

Take a look at the poem by David Whyte again and read it with your heart, slowly. Look inward, listen and feel what your heart is trying to convey to you. I hope that you will start to find the answers that you have been looking for. Let your journey of the discovery of self begin.

Parents love their children

“Surely all parents love their children.” One of the teachers said with such conviction.

“Ideally so. But I’m not so sure if that’s true.” I was somewhat skeptical. I hear clients talk about their relationships and interactions with the parents and I sometimes wonder if some parents do not love their children.

“Really? How can that be?” She was convinced that all parents must love their children.

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Madeline’s father is very involved in her life because he is the one who picks her up from school and calls the teachers when she is too ill to go to school. When you observe her father's involvement in her life, you may assume that he is the primary caregiver. However, the relationship between Madeline and her parents is extremely complex. She lives with her mother but where is her mother? Her parents, Theresa and Charles, are divorced. They are so antagonistic with each other and it is immensely difficult to have a conversation with both of them in the same room. From the accounts of the teachers and Charles, I imagined Theresa to be detached and aloof. She seemed to be disinterested in Madeline’s life because it is always Charles who responds to Madeline’s needs in school. Charles did not think Theresa will be keen to meet with me and that it would be a waste of my time to try to engage her.

When I first spoke to Madeline, she told me, “I do not wish to get married.” It is difficult when children witness the marital breakdown of their parents and some of them turn away from the possibility of a marital union for themselves. Hence, I was not surprised by what she said.

She added, “If he leaves me, my world will fall apart.”

“Whose world fell apart?”

“My mother’s.”

My heart broke when I heard that. I wondered how Madeline experienced her mother’s pain and what her mother’s experience must have been. Was Theresa too depressed to attend to Madeline’s needs? What was Theresa’s life like after Charles left?

Theresa was far from being cold and unfriendly when I interacted with her in person. Her love for Madeline was unmistakable.

Why did I assume that Theresa was a hostile, uninvolved mother? How could I have been so wrong? How did I get distracted by the skewed perspectives and biased accounts? What was I not listening to or paying attention to? This was an important lesson for me.

I can still remember my mother saying this to me, “A mother’s love is unconditional.” Theresa’s love for Madeline is unconditional.

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There was another girl, Xiuwen, who was constantly in conflict with her parents. I learnt so much by sitting in the room with the entire family. I have had family sessions before but I was anxious being with them since there was so much explosiveness and volatility in their interactions at home. This was one of my more challenging cases and I was unsure of myself, whether I would be able to provide more effective interventions.

I keep reminding myself that I cannot be drawn into the content and the details of what the family constantly dwell on. Instead, I have to “read in between the lines”, to notice the process and meaning of what they are talking about during the session. In Xiuwen’s case, it was her father’s love that I was doubtful about, not her mother’s. There is so much tension between Xiuwen and her father that she wanted her father to be seated furthest away from her in the room. The image of the father's stern face and serious demeanor remained in my memory from the previous session. He did not come across as a warm and pleasant person.

This time, I had a different experience of her father. A poignant moment came when her father recounted an early memory of Xiuwen as a child. I saw how his face lighted up as he was sharing about his joy and pride of Xiuwen’s abilities when she was in pre-school. He smiled cheerfully, laughed heartily as he spoke affectionately about her. Xiuwen was stumped. She never experienced her father this way. Or perhaps she had forgotten this aspect of her father. This was the beginning of changing the interactions with her father and possibly even working towards mending their relationship.

“I think I am like my dad. I am most like him. We like the same funny things.”

For the first time, Xiuwen said something nice about her father and even made an association with him! I was moved, just witnessing the connection between them and the shift in their interactions. This is the wonderful part about having a family session because it was truly a breakthrough for us after the numerous individual sessions with Xiuwen.

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Parents love their children. They all do.

The virtue of perseverance

I have lived in Singapore all my life. I am very accustomed to the city lifestyle, the crowded streets, sardine-packed buses and trains, populated shopping malls and long queues in the public toilets. I am a typical city girl, I guess. City living has its perks, its convenience. However, the downside of such a lifestyle is the difficulty to find a space in my life where I can enjoy peacefulness, serenity and silence.

I used to hang out on Friday evenings at a friend's home. She would prepare a simple, yet sumptuous dinner, followed by a programme of short readings, stories and music selections. I looked forward to these inspirational gatherings which she called "Reflections" because it allowed me to pause and reflect on my life and reconnect with myself. However, in the past months, I have been too caught up with other aspects of my life and I was deprived of the cosy gatherings in her home. Yesterday, I finally made an effort to make my way to her home and I was glad I went there to take some time out for myself. This is what I call "therapist self-care"! Towards the end of the evening, she brought out a familiar stack of virtues cards and laid them out on the table so that we can each pick out a card for reflection. I picked out the virtue of righteousness but that is not the virtue I want to talk about in this blog entry. These virtues cards led me to think about the virtue of perseverance.


My clients come to see me because they experience some difficulties in their lives. More often than not, they are hoping that I will be able to provide a quick fix or solution to their problems or perhaps thinking that I have some magic pill that they can take so that the problems will disappear. At first, my clients may become disappointed and disheartened that the process may take longer than expected. But they soon accept that the journey of life and change takes time with some perseverance and commitment. The virtue of perseverance is an important virtue for everyone to develop because we need it to overcome the obstacles and endure life's hardships and challenges.


"Perseverance is being steadfast and persistent. You commit to your goals and overcome obstacles, no matter how long it takes. When you persevere, you don't give up... You keep going. Like a strong ship in a storm, you don't become battered or blown off course. You just ride the waves."
- Excerpts from the virtues card of "Perseverance", The Virtues Project


Although we wish for an easy life, where we do not have to deal with difficulties, it is by struggling and persevering that we grow and become stronger. Some of my clients' parents tell me that they try their utmost best to provide everything they can for their children so that their children can have an easier life. This is a tough place to be in because in present-day society, most parents are working professionals and they have limited time with their children. Hence, parents tend to over-compensate and try to give anything and everything that their children ask for. Where is the struggling? Where is the hardship? Where is the perseverance?

"As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed." - Vincent Van Gogh

"We should not feel embarrassed by our difficulties, only by our failure to grow anything beautiful from them." - Alain de Botton

When my clients persevere, I am happy for them because I know that they will become emotionally stronger and they will be better equipped to deal with difficulties in the future. My clients are impatient and they want to see change quickly. I have to remind them that the journey is often not smooth and easy. At times, you may trip over little pebbles or rocks. If they are just superficial scratches, just get up and brush away the dirt from your knees and resume your journey. If there is a some injury, attend to the pain, take a rest and recuperate and when you are ready, pick yourself up and continue with your journey. Sometimes, you may benefit from a little help and company. Remember that you can reach out to people around you - family, friends, mentors and various kinds of resources.

If you are experiencing emotional pain or are going through a rough patch in your life, persevere on. You will get through it, and be strengthened through life's ordeals.

"Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realise this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward." - Henry Ford

Magical powers

I must admit that I am a Harry Potter fan. I diligently read all seven books - pre-ordered the books, but never resorted to queuing overnight to be the first ones to get my hands on the books. I watched all eight movies as well, and intend to get the entire movie series as part of my prized possessions.

I have always been intrigued by magic as a child. It is extremely fascinating to be able to magically transform objects, people, make things disappear, make them fly and so many other miraculous possibilities. I wished I had magical powers too. To use a little magic to help me with my work, to make me a better therapist, to give that extra special touch to take away my clients' emotional pain and hurt. Sigh... This only happens in storybooks and movies, not in real life.

Whenever I do not know what to do to help my clients, I secretly wish for a little help from a fairy godmother - yes, those childhood fairytale fantasies. I have high expectations of myself, just like the girls I work with. I try very hard with my cases, thinking of the best ways to engage my clients and to facilitate change. Thankfully, I get positive affirmations often and am assured that I am somewhat helpful and effective for my clients. Even when the sessions seem to go well, I may be hard on myself and wish that I could have done better, that I could have done more, that i should not have said certain things or that I was just not good enough as a counsellor.

I find it amusing when I think of myself this way - "not good enough", sounds just like the self-critic of the girls I work with. Perhaps this is my self-critic that I have to "battle" with from time to time as well. During my training in emotion-focused therapy, I dealt with my self-critic and learnt that I need more kindness and compassion towards myself. My clients need that too, more kindness and compassion towards themselves.

There was a case that I was rather distressed about because I wanted to be able to assist in some way but it became clear that I was not in the position to do so. I struggled with the sense of helplessness and many people around me felt helpless too. They could not help the client and they hoped that the counsellor would be able to help the client. You can imagine the tremendous pressure that I was under, to do something to help the client. In situations like these, I wish I had some wizardry powers, Harry Potter's wand or Hermione's fancy spells so that I can do something to make the emotional pain go away!

In actual fact, I do not think the people around have such expectations of me. They are my own, unreasonable expectations of my omnipotent ability, that I do not possess. After several consultations with other counsellors and psychiatrists about the case, I realised that I can only do this much to help my client with her problem. Whether she improves or not, it is really not within my control. I have done my best and the rest is up to her.

I am not the all-powerful. I am not omnipotent. I am only human. That's a good reminder for me. A very good reminder.

"Everyone has obstacles, and you're not going to have the right answer or do the right thing every single time." - Shannon Miller

The voice of an adolescent

When I was doing my counselling training in 2006, I was introduced to an interesting mode of therapy. Instead of the usual one-to-one sessions, we can work with a small group of clients in a group setting. The modality of this approach, known as group therapy, has its unique advantages and benefits, which cannot be achieved in individual therapy. Despite its usefulness, it is quite unheard of in this part of the world where I practice since our Asian clients tend to find it anxiety-provoking to share their innermost thoughts and feelings within a group setting. Actually, I feel that this is probably not very different from the hesitations and inhibitions of people from other countries and cultures as well. Generally, once a certain level of safety and trust is established within the group, the group will feel more comfortable about sharing and engaging each other.

I took the opportunity to propose setting up such groups among certain groups of girls in the school I work in. Since this was a new initiative, I was uncertain about its efficacy and whether the approach will be too strange or foreign for them. For a start, I did not call it a therapy group and I designed it to have a slightly more semi-structured approach, which I felt would be a better fit.

During the first session, a particular theme arose among the fifteen-year old girls within the group as they attempted to have a voice, to have their voice heard.

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.”
– Harvey Fierstein

Initially, I wanted to use this quote to inspire the girls but I realised that it was extremely difficult for them to find their voice and how they would like to define themselves. I had apparently forgotten how difficult it was for me when I was that age. As they search out the meaning of their lives, to discover what they truly desire for themselves, they are bombarded by the voices of adults - through their parents, relatives, teachers, politicians, various other adults and even the media and numerous propaganda. I say bombarded because these voices are really loud, significant, distracting and possibly even jarring at times. The girls become confused and wonder if they can really be the person they choose to be. Do they have a choice? Do they have a say? Did I have a say when I was fifteen?

When I was fifteen, I was studying in one of the elite girls’ school. My parents expected no less than that. My sisters and I studied in different high schools - all among the top all-girls’ schools in the nation. My father wished for us to be doctors, lawyers, engineers or accountants. These were considered reputable professional careers, which will give us a comfortable income and a respectable social status. At that time, I thought that my father would be proud if I became a doctor but when I failed to obtain the subject combination which included biology, I decided to give up the idea of pursuing a medical career. I was not sure if the other approved options fit my aspirations. I was interested in people, in human psychology. I talked about it from time to time, never sounding too adamant nor insistent because I was not sure if my voice would be heard, whether my father would approve of the pursuit of such an interest.

One girl in the group lamented that her mother insisted that she has to be a lawyer. “I don't really mind becoming a lawyer, but I wish my mum did not bug me so much.”

“My parents are the same,” another girl added. “I want to be a dancer but my parents don't think I can make much money that way. Sigh... I may not be able to make much money but I think I will be much happier since I will be doing something which I truly love.”

As adults, we think we know better. We think we know what is best for these young ladies. Besides, we have a wider range of lived experiences so we are in a much better position to give sound advices (or so we think). We think that it is our responsibility as custodians of their lives, to guide them to a bright and promising future where they will be successful and well-accomplished individuals in society. We prefer to encourage our youth to stick to careers, which are tried-and-tested while the artistic, literary or humanistic professions are often frown upon - not because they are less glamorous but they do not guarantee a stable and secure career.

“This is for your own good,” my father’s favourite line to his three daughters. I resented that dreaded well-sung phrase that kept playing in my ears as an adolescent. I wondered if I would be doing something wrong if I did not appreciate my parents’ well-meaning intentions to guide me to the right path in life. I wondered if I would regret not listening to them if I chose something radically different. What would be really good for me? As a teenager looking at my father, he was a successful engineer who earned enough to provide the family with a comfortable home and lifestyle. Surely, he knew what was good for me, “for your own good”.

“Why can’t my mother listen to me?”

“Why don’t my parents understand that I don’t like numbers and Maths is just not my subject?”

“Can you talk to my parents?”

The girls were frustrated. They felt stuck. They wanted to make their own decisions about their future. Studying felt so meaningless because whatever they were taught will not be relevant to their future career. It did not make sense to memorise all the terms and the lengthy passages just to obtain the perfect GPA of 4.0. Why bother?

When I was in school, life seemed less complicated. We did not question as much. We just studied what we were told to study. Our goal was to obtain as many ‘A’s as we possibly can, to the best of our ability. Then, scramble to collect the paper certifications and qualifications that were deemed valuable and marketable. That was the norm then. I did the norm. I excelled (did well enough, I guess) in Mathematics and Sciences, enrolled into one of the top junior colleges, did the correct thing to major in engineering and of course, became the engineer that my father approved of. I earned myself a nickname then, coined by my sisters – The Accidental Engineer, or AE for short. Engineering never quite resonated with me.

When I decided to make the career switch to become a counsellor, my father was cross. He was extremely angry with me. But he never quite told me directly. It was the old-fashioned Chinese father’s way of communicating to his daughter – convey the anger to the mother and expect that the mother will advise the daughter accordingly.

“Tell Michelle that she is very stupid, to give up her engineering job and get a pay-cut as a counsellor!”

During dinners with relatives and friends, my sisters were always mentioned and talked about. You see, one of them is a qualified medical doctor and the other is pursuing her medical degree. Ah, doctors! The prestigious career option! Counsellor? How much do counsellors get paid? Was this daughter not smart enough to get into medical school?

I felt like the outcast, somewhat a disgrace to the family. I desired affirmation from my parents, which I could not get. I was in a difficult place and I felt very alone in this new endeavour. I yearned for their support and encouragement. I realised that my parents struggled too. On one hand, they wanted to see me happy doing what I enjoy. On the other hand, since it deviated from what they are familiar with, they were unsure if I would be risking too much by forgoing a stable career as an engineer.

My father no longer chides me for quitting my engineering job. My parents have come to terms with my decision. But from time to time, my father would still ask me, “When are you going to do your PhD?” That is my father.

Many parents unknowingly and unwittingly impose their hopes, wishes, dreams, desires and aspirations on their children. They want their children to tread on territories, which they have never been before and attain remarkable and spectacular achievements, which they failed to accomplish as a child. We think that by setting the bar as high as possible, we may be able to stretch them to their fullest potential and be exceptional in anything and everything.

How realistic are our expectations? How much of what we do as adults is really a tussle with our own anxieties? If the adolescent does not do well, we may be seen as a parent who has failed, a lousy teacher, an irresponsible adult who did not do what we should do or can do. We are afraid that our children will struggle to make ends meet or not have a good job if they faired poorly in school. We are worried that they will blame us for not giving them the right advice when they needed it. We fear that society will mock us for not doing our duty if we did not show our children the correct path to take in life.

At the end of the day, each of us is and can only be responsible for our own lives. By the time the child becomes an adolescent, she (also applicable to “he”) needs to develop the skills required as an adult to learn to make her own decisions and decide what she desires for herself and how she wants to live her life. We are here to support and encourage her in her journey of discovery and adventure of life. We are here to facilitate the process, to show her the options and the possibilities. Not to restrict her, nor to stifle her, nor to tell her what to do.

I am not suggesting that the adults let go completely. I am not suggesting that the adolescents defy and disregard everything that the adults say.

This is more like a dance, a tango of sorts.

We play our respective parts.

Then, we allow these youth the autonomy to be the architects and fashioners of their own desired future.

There is no absolute right or wrong in the journey of life because life is not static but a dynamic evolution of the choices and decisions we make. It is how we live our life, which makes it meaningful.

Boys don't cry

“I’m not sure how effective emotion-focused therapy is for working with men since men seem to be less in touch with their emotions during therapy.”

“Yes, I wonder about that too. I was able to get my female client to talk about her emotions but when I asked my male client what he felt, he said that he didn’t know and I was stuck. I found it very difficult to proceed.”

For the past year, I was attending a series of workshops by Dr Leslie Greenberg to learn more about Emotion-Focused Therapy and most of my coursemates shared similar sentiments about the difficulty of working with the emotions of male clients. However, during the past half of decade of working with predominantly male population, I certainly had a different experience of the commonly-held belief about men’s inability to express emotions.

“I tried emotion-focused therapy with some of my male clients and they were able to emote during the sessions. I think that once the rapport is built and there is enough trust in the therapeutic relationship, they will feel comfortable about expressing their emotions and their vulnerabilities.”

Just as Una Stannard, author of “Mrs Man”, said, “Men are no more immune from emotions than women; we think women are more emotional because the culture lets them give free vent to certain feelings, “feminine” ones, that is, no anger please, but it’s okay to turn on the waterworks.”

I remember seeing a little boy playing in the playground and when he accidentally fell down, he started to cry. An adult, presumably his mother, attended to him promptly and instead of comforting him, rebuked him sternly.

“Why are you crying? Stop crying now! Boys don’t cry. Shame, shame.”

It is shameful for boys to cry, apparently. Many people believe so. Generations after generations, parents socialise their sons into believing that boys don’t cry and that it is shameful to cry. Boys should never be seen crying in school because their friends will laugh at them and ridicule them, “What a sissy! Just like a girl!” How humiliating it must be!

It must be tormenting for a male to go through life, suppressing one of the primary emotions of a human being, that is, sadness and pain. He deliberately obliterates this emotion from his vocabulary and instinctively disguises and camouflages it with a more acceptable emotion of anger. This makes him emotionally handicapped although he often perceives himself as being more in control by keeping his sadness in check. In reality, he is in great suffering.

I like the way Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (more popularly known for his book entitled “The Little Prince”) wrote in his novel, Southern Mail, “One’s suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields – even to sadness.”

Is this just a difficulty experienced by one half of the world’s population?

“Crying is a sign of weakness.”

Karen proclaimed during a recent group session. I was taken aback to hear that from her because I assumed that it is more acceptable for girls to cry. As I was very confident about my assumption, I turned to the other girls in the group, in hope that they may support me to say that they did not agree with Karen.

“What do you think about what Karen just said, that crying is a sign of weakness.”

“I agree with her,” Shuyi responded. When Karen cried in the previous session, Shuyi empathised with her sadness and she started to cry but she could not verbalise the reasons for feeling so affected by Karen’s sharing. She talked about how embarrassing it was that she cried in the previous session.

“How about the others? Do you have a different view?” I was still hoping that someone might just disagree and I will have an opportunity to intervene elegantly. What happened next was a chorus of exchanges from the girls, all in agreement with Karen and Shuyi. I was completely stumped. What next? How was I to intervene? Surely this meant something to the group – that sadness is a bad emotion and that crying is certainly a sign of weakness.

Struggling to think on my feet, I offered an observation, “Since you regard crying as a sign of weakness and that it is embarrassing, it is no wonder that you feel uncomfortable whenever anyone breaks down in tears. You found it extremely difficult to attend to Karen when she cried, just as how it was in the first session when Dee cried. Everyone looked down and was very silent.”

The group felt that they were not allowed to express their emotions and they had to put on a strong front in front of their peers and teachers. This reminded me of the little boy who cried when he fell in the playground – he was verbally chastised for doing something so shameful as to cry. The opinion and belief transcended the world of boys and entered the realm of girls as well – girls don’t cry.

You have to be strong, an outstanding performer, a top-notch achiever, and most importantly, you cannot wear your emotions on your sleeves. You have to hide and conceal your vulnerabilities because a strong person has no vulnerabilities. By revealing your vulnerabilities, you give others a chance to discover your Achilles heel and that is when you will be defeated. God forbid that you should ever shed a tear and cry!

I looked at the girls and felt a wave of sadness waft over me. They must each be carrying a carefully-packed load of emotions which they were afraid that anyone would ever notice. I needed to create a therapeutic environment, which was safe and secure so that the girls will feel safe enough to express themselves during the sessions. Safety with me as well as with each other, that they will not feel judged by each other as they attempt to be genuine and authentic in the sessions.

Mark Twain described very aptly, “Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.”

This is how I view emotions – that emotions are normal; that they are our natural responses to our moment-to-moment experiences; that they are real and they remind us of our basic humanity. Our emotions inform us of our unconscious realities, our vulnerabilities and our triggers in response to various aspects of life. I have been told that some emotions are bad and should be avoided, or better, never be expressed. There is no such thing as a good or bad emotion, contrary to what most people think. What is more important is to be able to recognise our emotions, identify them and appreciate why we feel the way we do, attend to our emotions and express them appropriately. If we view certain emotions as being bad or undesirable, we end up denying those feelings and that part of us which experiences such emotions. This means that we will be unable to acknowledge a part of who we are and what we are made up of.

The problem is that many of us are afraid of painful and difficult emotions, those of our own and of others around us. They may seem overwhelming and even overbearing so we avoid facing those emotions and sitting in the same room as those who are experiencing them. Whatever we cannot deal with, we will try to stop it, as if we can put an imaginary cap over an overflowing bottle of fluid to stop it from overflowing. We are worried that by allowing our emotions to flow, we may lose control and fall apart, into pieces.

“You have to control your emotions!”

Don’t we often hear that said to us? Or we may be the ones saying this phrase to others. But is this really possible? To control our emotions? All we will be doing is to bottle up our emotions, almost literally, bottled up – putting that imaginary cap over your bottle of overflowing fluid of emotions. Imagine what happens to you, the turmoil you will feel and the injuries you are inflicting on your body. Emotions are felt in the body and that explains the ailments that we sometimes experience when we do not feel good about what’s going on in our lives. Some people term it as psychosomatic symptoms but it does not really matter what term we use to describe our experience. When you are in touch with your bodily experience, you will be able to sense the discomfort or unsettling feeling. This is when you take a step back and reflect and ponder what your body is trying to tell you and where the discomfort is coming from. This may give you a sense of what you are experiencing and why you feel the way you do.

Every human being has a range of feelings and emotions that he or she will feel from time to time. Give yourself the permission to feel them and validate your emotions as you experience them because this is what makes you uniquely human.

“Feelings or emotions are the universal language and are to be honored. They are the authentic expression of who you are at your deepest place.” – Judith Wright

The gems within

During a conversation over a meal, I was asked by a friend (let's call him "D") where I get my inspiration for the blog entries. Well, since I started writing, I have been more mindful and present in my daily encounters and experiences. I reflect a lot more deeply about life, relationships, my felt sense, feelings and emotions.

"Are you going to write about this meal?" D asked curiously.

"Err, no." I thought briefly about the food I was eating. No, nothing came to mind at that moment.

* * * * * * * * * *

The next time I spoke with D again, we chatted about a variety of topics. It was rather random, but I asked him what he thought his strengths are.

D laughed, "This sounds like a job interview!"

I thought about the sessions I had with my clients during the week. Sometimes, this can indeed be an occupational hazard when I bring my counsellor stance into my social interactions! Anyhow, D thought for a very long time but could not think of anything. Well, he did think of one, just one.

Whenever my clients have difficulties thinking of any of their strengths, I would whip out my pack of strength cards, and get them to select a couple of cards for themselves. Without these cards at hand, I was not sure how I could prompt D, so I started to list as many strengths as I could recall. Even with that list, D struggled to find anything to represent his good qualities.

We are often highly critical of ourselves and we tend to find much more faults in ourselves than anything commendable or positive. It is not even humility. We are afraid that our subjective experience of who we feel we are may not be absolutely true and that it would be too presumptuous to think that we really have any virtues to show forth.

I came across this meaningful passage yesterday morning as I was pondering about this topic:

"We are builders of our own characters. We have different positions, spheres, capacities, privileges, different work to do in the world, different temporal fabrics to raise; but we are all alike in this, all are architects of fate." - John Fothergill Waterhouse Ware

Life is a journey. Daily living is a process. Absolute truth does not really exist and who is to judge us for who we are (except God, or whichever Great Being you believe in). We carry with us different qualities and different aspects of ourselves in our everyday lives and interact with different people who cross our paths. We may not be aware of it, but our influence and the effects of our words and actions will inevitably affect another human being, and maybe even multitudes of people out there in the world. We are no doubt "architects of fate", as the passage describes so aptly.


Look within yourself and discover the gems within. Having an awareness and consciousness of ourselves and the qualities that we possess or do not possess (usually, we think we do not possess them because we tend not to recognise our qualities nor give credit for who we are), will give us a sense of our abilities and capabilities. This will help us grow and develop our capacities and potentialities to touch the heart of another human being.

Reflect on your gems within.

Man's distinction lieth not in ornaments or wealth, but rather in virtuous behavior and true understanding." - Baha'u'llah