Boys don't cry

“I’m not sure how effective emotion-focused therapy is for working with men since men seem to be less in touch with their emotions during therapy.”

“Yes, I wonder about that too. I was able to get my female client to talk about her emotions but when I asked my male client what he felt, he said that he didn’t know and I was stuck. I found it very difficult to proceed.”

For the past year, I was attending a series of workshops by Dr Leslie Greenberg to learn more about Emotion-Focused Therapy and most of my coursemates shared similar sentiments about the difficulty of working with the emotions of male clients. However, during the past half of decade of working with predominantly male population, I certainly had a different experience of the commonly-held belief about men’s inability to express emotions.

“I tried emotion-focused therapy with some of my male clients and they were able to emote during the sessions. I think that once the rapport is built and there is enough trust in the therapeutic relationship, they will feel comfortable about expressing their emotions and their vulnerabilities.”

Just as Una Stannard, author of “Mrs Man”, said, “Men are no more immune from emotions than women; we think women are more emotional because the culture lets them give free vent to certain feelings, “feminine” ones, that is, no anger please, but it’s okay to turn on the waterworks.”

I remember seeing a little boy playing in the playground and when he accidentally fell down, he started to cry. An adult, presumably his mother, attended to him promptly and instead of comforting him, rebuked him sternly.

“Why are you crying? Stop crying now! Boys don’t cry. Shame, shame.”

It is shameful for boys to cry, apparently. Many people believe so. Generations after generations, parents socialise their sons into believing that boys don’t cry and that it is shameful to cry. Boys should never be seen crying in school because their friends will laugh at them and ridicule them, “What a sissy! Just like a girl!” How humiliating it must be!

It must be tormenting for a male to go through life, suppressing one of the primary emotions of a human being, that is, sadness and pain. He deliberately obliterates this emotion from his vocabulary and instinctively disguises and camouflages it with a more acceptable emotion of anger. This makes him emotionally handicapped although he often perceives himself as being more in control by keeping his sadness in check. In reality, he is in great suffering.

I like the way Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (more popularly known for his book entitled “The Little Prince”) wrote in his novel, Southern Mail, “One’s suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one yields – even to sadness.”

Is this just a difficulty experienced by one half of the world’s population?

“Crying is a sign of weakness.”

Karen proclaimed during a recent group session. I was taken aback to hear that from her because I assumed that it is more acceptable for girls to cry. As I was very confident about my assumption, I turned to the other girls in the group, in hope that they may support me to say that they did not agree with Karen.

“What do you think about what Karen just said, that crying is a sign of weakness.”

“I agree with her,” Shuyi responded. When Karen cried in the previous session, Shuyi empathised with her sadness and she started to cry but she could not verbalise the reasons for feeling so affected by Karen’s sharing. She talked about how embarrassing it was that she cried in the previous session.

“How about the others? Do you have a different view?” I was still hoping that someone might just disagree and I will have an opportunity to intervene elegantly. What happened next was a chorus of exchanges from the girls, all in agreement with Karen and Shuyi. I was completely stumped. What next? How was I to intervene? Surely this meant something to the group – that sadness is a bad emotion and that crying is certainly a sign of weakness.

Struggling to think on my feet, I offered an observation, “Since you regard crying as a sign of weakness and that it is embarrassing, it is no wonder that you feel uncomfortable whenever anyone breaks down in tears. You found it extremely difficult to attend to Karen when she cried, just as how it was in the first session when Dee cried. Everyone looked down and was very silent.”

The group felt that they were not allowed to express their emotions and they had to put on a strong front in front of their peers and teachers. This reminded me of the little boy who cried when he fell in the playground – he was verbally chastised for doing something so shameful as to cry. The opinion and belief transcended the world of boys and entered the realm of girls as well – girls don’t cry.

You have to be strong, an outstanding performer, a top-notch achiever, and most importantly, you cannot wear your emotions on your sleeves. You have to hide and conceal your vulnerabilities because a strong person has no vulnerabilities. By revealing your vulnerabilities, you give others a chance to discover your Achilles heel and that is when you will be defeated. God forbid that you should ever shed a tear and cry!

I looked at the girls and felt a wave of sadness waft over me. They must each be carrying a carefully-packed load of emotions which they were afraid that anyone would ever notice. I needed to create a therapeutic environment, which was safe and secure so that the girls will feel safe enough to express themselves during the sessions. Safety with me as well as with each other, that they will not feel judged by each other as they attempt to be genuine and authentic in the sessions.

Mark Twain described very aptly, “Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.”

This is how I view emotions – that emotions are normal; that they are our natural responses to our moment-to-moment experiences; that they are real and they remind us of our basic humanity. Our emotions inform us of our unconscious realities, our vulnerabilities and our triggers in response to various aspects of life. I have been told that some emotions are bad and should be avoided, or better, never be expressed. There is no such thing as a good or bad emotion, contrary to what most people think. What is more important is to be able to recognise our emotions, identify them and appreciate why we feel the way we do, attend to our emotions and express them appropriately. If we view certain emotions as being bad or undesirable, we end up denying those feelings and that part of us which experiences such emotions. This means that we will be unable to acknowledge a part of who we are and what we are made up of.

The problem is that many of us are afraid of painful and difficult emotions, those of our own and of others around us. They may seem overwhelming and even overbearing so we avoid facing those emotions and sitting in the same room as those who are experiencing them. Whatever we cannot deal with, we will try to stop it, as if we can put an imaginary cap over an overflowing bottle of fluid to stop it from overflowing. We are worried that by allowing our emotions to flow, we may lose control and fall apart, into pieces.

“You have to control your emotions!”

Don’t we often hear that said to us? Or we may be the ones saying this phrase to others. But is this really possible? To control our emotions? All we will be doing is to bottle up our emotions, almost literally, bottled up – putting that imaginary cap over your bottle of overflowing fluid of emotions. Imagine what happens to you, the turmoil you will feel and the injuries you are inflicting on your body. Emotions are felt in the body and that explains the ailments that we sometimes experience when we do not feel good about what’s going on in our lives. Some people term it as psychosomatic symptoms but it does not really matter what term we use to describe our experience. When you are in touch with your bodily experience, you will be able to sense the discomfort or unsettling feeling. This is when you take a step back and reflect and ponder what your body is trying to tell you and where the discomfort is coming from. This may give you a sense of what you are experiencing and why you feel the way you do.

Every human being has a range of feelings and emotions that he or she will feel from time to time. Give yourself the permission to feel them and validate your emotions as you experience them because this is what makes you uniquely human.

“Feelings or emotions are the universal language and are to be honored. They are the authentic expression of who you are at your deepest place.” – Judith Wright

The gems within

During a conversation over a meal, I was asked by a friend (let's call him "D") where I get my inspiration for the blog entries. Well, since I started writing, I have been more mindful and present in my daily encounters and experiences. I reflect a lot more deeply about life, relationships, my felt sense, feelings and emotions.

"Are you going to write about this meal?" D asked curiously.

"Err, no." I thought briefly about the food I was eating. No, nothing came to mind at that moment.

* * * * * * * * * *

The next time I spoke with D again, we chatted about a variety of topics. It was rather random, but I asked him what he thought his strengths are.

D laughed, "This sounds like a job interview!"

I thought about the sessions I had with my clients during the week. Sometimes, this can indeed be an occupational hazard when I bring my counsellor stance into my social interactions! Anyhow, D thought for a very long time but could not think of anything. Well, he did think of one, just one.

Whenever my clients have difficulties thinking of any of their strengths, I would whip out my pack of strength cards, and get them to select a couple of cards for themselves. Without these cards at hand, I was not sure how I could prompt D, so I started to list as many strengths as I could recall. Even with that list, D struggled to find anything to represent his good qualities.

We are often highly critical of ourselves and we tend to find much more faults in ourselves than anything commendable or positive. It is not even humility. We are afraid that our subjective experience of who we feel we are may not be absolutely true and that it would be too presumptuous to think that we really have any virtues to show forth.

I came across this meaningful passage yesterday morning as I was pondering about this topic:

"We are builders of our own characters. We have different positions, spheres, capacities, privileges, different work to do in the world, different temporal fabrics to raise; but we are all alike in this, all are architects of fate." - John Fothergill Waterhouse Ware

Life is a journey. Daily living is a process. Absolute truth does not really exist and who is to judge us for who we are (except God, or whichever Great Being you believe in). We carry with us different qualities and different aspects of ourselves in our everyday lives and interact with different people who cross our paths. We may not be aware of it, but our influence and the effects of our words and actions will inevitably affect another human being, and maybe even multitudes of people out there in the world. We are no doubt "architects of fate", as the passage describes so aptly.


Look within yourself and discover the gems within. Having an awareness and consciousness of ourselves and the qualities that we possess or do not possess (usually, we think we do not possess them because we tend not to recognise our qualities nor give credit for who we are), will give us a sense of our abilities and capabilities. This will help us grow and develop our capacities and potentialities to touch the heart of another human being.

Reflect on your gems within.

Man's distinction lieth not in ornaments or wealth, but rather in virtuous behavior and true understanding." - Baha'u'llah

The voice of an adolescent

It has been a while since I have run therapy groups. It is quite unheard of in this part of the world and clients often find it anxiety-provoking to share their thoughts and feelings within a group setting. Actually I feel that this is probably not very different from the hesitations and inhibitions of people from other countries as well. Generally, once a certain level of safety and trust is established, the group will feel more comfortable about sharing and engaging others within the group.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to set up such groups among the girls I am working with. I did not call it a therapy group because that is too foreign and I felt that for a start, a slightly more semi-structured approach will fit better. Anyway, I am not about to launch into a full-length essay and discussion about what a therapy group entails. Instead, I would like to dwell on some of my thoughts about my attempts to help these 15 year-olds have a voice, and let their voice be heard.

While I was preparing for this group, I came across a powerful quote:

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” – Harvey Fierstein

I sat in the groups (I ran two groups, with seven girls each) and listened to their struggles. I realised that it is extremely difficult for them to find their voice and how they would like to define themselves. As they search out the meaning of their lives, to discover what they truly desire for themselves, they are bombarded by the voices of adults - through their parents, relatives, teachers, politicians, various other adults and even the media and numerous propaganda. I say "bombarded" because these voices are really loud, significant, distracting and possibly even jarring at times. The girls become confused and wonder if they can really be the person they choose to be. Do they have a choice? Do they have a say?

As adults, we think we know better. We think we know what is best for these young ladies. Besides, we have a wider range of lived experiences so we would be in a much better position to give sound advices (or so we think). We think that it is our responsibility as the custodians of their lives, to guide them to a bright and promising future where they will be successful and well-accomplished individuals in society. As parents, we tend to expect a lot from our children. Many parents unknowingly and unwittingly impose their hopes, wishes, dreams, desires and aspirations on their children. They want their children to tread on territories which they have never been before and attain remarkable and spectacular achievements which they failed to accomplish as a child. We think that by setting the bar as high as possible, we may be able to stretch them to their fullest potential and be exceptional in anything and everything.


The question is, "How realistic are our expectations?" How much of what we do as adults is really a tussle with our own anxieties? If the adolescent does not do well, we may be seen as a parent who has failed, a lousy teacher, an irresponsible adult who did not do what we should do or can do.

At the end of the day, each of us is and can only be responsible for our own lives. By the time the child becomes an adolescent, she (also applicable to "he") needs to develop the skills required as an adult to learn to make her own decisions and decide what she desires for herself and how she wants to live her life. We are here to support and encourage her in her journey of discovery and adventure of life. We are here to facilitate the process, to show her the options and the possibilities. Not to restrict her, nor to stifle her, nor to tell her what to do.

Let us now take the time to listen to the voices of our adolescents, rather than to have them repeat after us.

The birthright of a child

The past week has been a time of adjustment for me, trying out different travelling routes to work and establishing a new routine for my daily commuting ritual. This was a perfect reason, or excuse (sheepish look) I used to take a break from my regular runs. This evening, I finally conquered my procrastination and went for my long-overdue run. To my clients and former clients who are reading this, yes, I suffer from the "disease" of procrastination from time to time as well! Looks like we have something in common!

During my run this evening, I listened to a recording of one of David Whyte's workshops on my iPod nano. David Whyte is a faithful companion of mine on my runs and great company too. Below is a small segment of his workshop:

"...one of the marvelous thing about children is they're made to be loved and appreciated. And a child only thinks something is wrong in the world when they are not loved. And the child looking for appreciation and love and to feel special, that's the birthright of a child. To feel as if they're seen and held and understood as this particular form of incarnation, which is not found anywhere else. And if the child can't get it in their own family, they'll get it from a neighbour, they'll get it from a person they just see once a day that they get a kind word from, they'll get it from a teacher. A child is hungry to be loved and to be seen...

You could say that for a human being, it's so natural to us in our growing that when you are feeling unloved, you could say that you are not quite feeling yourself. You are not quite feeling what you are actually born with as a natural faculty."

The other day, I read through some of the case notes to have a better understanding of the background of some of the cases which I will be handling. I found myself reaching for tissue paper a few times when I read about the amount of pain some of them had to carry with them through the innocence of their childhood. I also thought about some of my former clients who grew up feeling unloved by their parents.

The subjective experience of feeling unloved as a child is crucial, whether or not he or she was in actual fact unloved is a completely different matter. As a result of this pain, the child attempts to please the parents in hope for some remote hint of affection to reduce the feeling of being unloved, or strive to do well with the desire of receiving some form of affirmation to boost the positive sense of self. It tends to become a pattern in other relationships where the child becomes fearful of rejection and abandonment, highly critical of self, and doubtful that there is anything lovable about himself or herself.

If the birthright of a child is to be loved, what happens if the birthright is not fulfilled?

We cannot go back in time to alter the interactions between the parents and the child. Besides, the child is now grown up and has a deep emotional memory of the hurt of not being loved. You have now grown up, with the deep emotional memory of the hurt of not being loved etched in your heart.

The process of picking up the pieces of your broken self and mending your broken heart is going to take time. Rather than trying to find someone to love you for who you are, you will have to first learn to love yourself. When you are able to love yourself and accept your own shortcomings and see the goodness within you, you give yourself the permission to be loved and in turn, to be able to love another for who they are.

The courage to live out our dreams

During the recent school holidays, I went to Universal Studios with my sons. I am not a big fan of roller coaster rides - I concluded from a very early time in my life that I am not courageous enough to subject myself to the heart-pumping speeds or the heart-stopping freefall feeling. I am glad that my older son, Junnoske, does not take after me in that regard. He wanted to ride on a junior roller coaster and that meant I had to accompany him on the ride. I went on it and was screaming my lungs out, half amused at the sounds of Junnoske's laughter beside me, clearly enjoying himself.

I may never have the courage to go on the Battlestar Galactica ('the' roller coaster in Universal Studios Singapore), nor bungee-jump, nor parachute off thousands of miles. Neither would many of us. But there is one form of courage that we need in life, which is to have the courage to live out our dreams.

We hear of stories of courage of great people and even simple folks through the news, read them in autobiographies, self-help books, fictional stories of heroes or heroines, attend organisation-sponsored talks and workshops by highly-paid speakers and facilitators and so on. Of course for those who have become jaded in the world will be untouched by such courage and will express their cynicism overtly or covertly. For the rest of us, we are likely to be touched, moved, inspired, motivated and the desire to act and do something is stirred up within us.

However, what I have noticed is that this spark that is ignited is often just a momentary one, one that glows a little, fades off for a bit and brightens yet again for a brief period before it finally disappears. It is usually unlikely that the flicker of light develops into a sustainable flame or fire to warm up the eagerness and enthusiasm to carry through something deep within you, something which you long to be able to embark on and fulfill in your life. I wonder why it is so challenging, so demanding. Is it because the story was not inspiring enough? Is it because the speaker is not charismatic enough? Is it because we do not believe we will ever be able to accomplish something big in our lives?

I feel that the inertia comes mostly from within, whatever reason or excuse you may have. Outwardly, life seems to beckon us, whether it is the homework that needs to be completed, the household chores that cannot be left till tomorrow or the enormous amount of work that our boss has piled up on our desk. We pay attention to a certain part of our lives, tending to the mundane daily requirements and missing the big picture of our lives. I will probably dwell a little more on this theme in another blog entry. But for now, take a little time to reflect on your life, your dreams, your aspirations, your longings and yearnings. Who do you want to be? What do you want to achieve? Where do you want to be? Whom would you like to have beside you on this journey?

Take the first step and embark on this wonderful and beautiful journey of the life that you dreamed it to be.

I'll end this with a passage from David Whyte, a poet whom I have great admiration for:

‎"It sets one to dream, to think about being called out to greater things..., but at the end of it all, when we put any book down, no matter how inspiring, we are left facing ourselves in the mirror and the need to get up each morning, walk out the door and live our own lives." - David Whyte, "The Three Marriages"

Passing the baton

When I was in primary school, I was in the athletic team. My forte was the 100-m sprinting event - I was never able to sprint for more than that distance. I am always amazed at how some people had the energy to run at top speed for 200-m or even 400-m! I am not well-versed in sports at all and if you have been following my previous posts, you would have noticed that I have recently started long distance running.

Anyhow, another sporting event I participated then was the 4 x 100-m relay race. I recall that the runner who is to receive the baton will start to run when the runner with the baton is nearing - the preparation to receive the baton and to continue the race is extremely crucial. No time can be wasted during the transition period and the baton cannot be dropped!

I was back in the office for two days this week and I identified the cases to be transferred. I feel as if I am passing the "baton" to another "runner". I do not have control over the "performance" of that runner but I can try to ensure that the "baton" is passed in the most effective way possible.

The next counsellor has yet to be identified for most of the cases so there is no way of preparing him or her. I may not be able to brief my colleagues about the cases. All I can do is to fill up the transfer documents with as much information as possible. For cases which I have seen for some time, they are easier for me to complete the form-filling exercise. For the others, there is very little I can write about because I have not seen the client for many sessions to get a sense of what may be helpful for him.

If I can, I try to suggest specific counsellors to take over certain cases. I can only hope for a good match for the counsellor-client pair. I cannot predict the outcome. The most I can do is to ensure that I do my best to provide the next counsellor with as much information as possible - to pass the baton well.

Once each case file leaves my hands, I have to "let go". To let go of feeling responsible for the outcome of the case; to let go of wanting to know how the client is faring. Holding on will do me no good. I will feel burdened in many different ways.

"Think about any attachments that are depleting your emotional reserves. Consider letting them go. - Oprah Winfrey"